I'm 46, live on a DSP with my mum who had cancer the last few years. Shes ok now, apart from preventative chemo. In this time my panic attacks have increased, due to the stress and trauma of it all, as well as emotions from dads death due to cancer. The problem now is that mums okay, but despite me getting counselling, I'm still struggling.
Last month due to lack of sleep, I had a panic attack driving to chemo. It got so bad I had to turn around, go home and get a taxi instead. The last session was better, at least I slept well. The thing is, I'm trying hard to reduce stress, have a woodworking hobby, but the smallest things trigger me. The main one is anything medically related. I'm so sick of medical appointments, we had so many different doctors to see, that the mere mention of one makes me angry. Today i regrettably threw a loaf of bread on the ground out of frustration. It's like a form of ptsd associated with medical system. Has anyone else experienced this? How did they treat it? Then there's the insults. Today I got told that I hope I get better before she dies! As if I didn't have enough self worth issues from being on a DSP. The pressure to be better is itself anxiety inducing and when I do have them the guilt she induces by breaking down, slamming doors and telling me there's no hope for you makes things even worse.
Tomorrow she'll be sympathetic. But considering I've been with her every step (urologists, gynaecologists, oncologist, biopsies, cystoscopies, etc.) And went out of my way, is it too much to ask that I have time to heal? Every time I try to explain things, it spirals into a competition which she inevitably wins because she's the patient. But what about the carer?
