My little purge, just need to talk

[SaraJ]

Hello, just need to talk anonomously, thanks for listening. I've been feeling depressed, having a bit of a downward spiral, not suicidal or anything, just spiralling sad, no sure what to do. I keep pulling myself out and have been good for long whiles however not doing so great lately.

I think a large part of it has to do with I was finally getting out and connecting with likeminded people in a club I enjoyed being a part of but, a certain high ranking member seems to be insecure  and possessive of "his" members and me talking to people he has decided are not to be associated with has landed me in a bad place. Doesn't help he's telling other members lies about things I've never said or done either. There's no other similar clubs in my area and I really miss many of the members which I got along well with.  I could come back (although likely excluded from many events) if I decide to do some grovelling and and shut up and not have anything to do with those he doesn't like, haven't been able to bring myself to do it though. Should I? I mean it'd go against my principles and likely be pretty awkward and depressing when all the others are out at social events I won't be allowed to go to at times but at least I'd get out sometimes. 

I'm a very introverted person who has taught myself to be a "pretend extrovert" since  I have to deal with people all day, but to be honest, I often end up exhausted doing this. How do I deal with that? By isolating myself out of work hours so I can recharge. What does that do? It makes me more isolated and basically at work/by myself kind of circle. Little interactions with friends. Most stopped inviting me to anything years ago and fell out of touch. I have no close friends any more. No one I can really talk to. I've never had a partner, I can't let anyone that close. I feel I'll end up alone forever. Certain people seem to insist on pointing that out- ie what's wrong with you. Surely someone would have you? I feel if I were to die, the only side of me people would remember is what I did for a living. Morbid thought I know, but there's so much more to me that no one really sees anymore.

[SaraJ]

Than you for the kind words and good advice. Sorry in not always like this. I'm just struggling with an injury that's causing me a lot of pain for a few months that nothing seems to be able to fix which isn't helping with being bright and positive, combined with a lot of little things that are probably being blown out of proportion to what is probably underlying it all which is a dose of work related compassion fatigue and stress. I just feel like this time I'm not holding it together as well and am often inches away from crying at times, the rest of the time I seem to be tired or more irritable than normal, or just plain feeling down. I don't feel like I'm good enough or coping well enough. In worried It'll end up costing me my job if I can't get it together soon. No one wants to be around someone who isn't bright and chearful. I have no idea what to do. I guess I need to pull it together, try to stress less and put problems in perspective more. Thank you all.

[White_Rose]

Hello Sara

Lovely to hear from you. Can I clarify something? You started by talking about the bullying in your club and how it upset you. In your last post you mention your job and an injury. These are three major stressors in your life, no wonder you are struggling and feel dreadful. Cut yourself some slack. These are not everyday irritants you are dealing with.

Now, without asking intrusive questions, how did you get injured? Is it a work related accident or "one of those things"? Are you getting any treatment? Being in pain for a long time is definitely not good. Do you need to see a specialist? If you are waiting for an appointment, can your GP help with pain relief or other treatment in the meantime. I understand you may not want to take pain relief for an extended period and I agree, but there must be an alternative.

If you work is causing the compassion fatigue then you should be reducing your exposure to this. It really is not a case of carrying on carrying on in this situation. There are many jobs that involve emotional stress and organisations generally recognise this and make provision for debriefs etc. Keeping a cheerful face is using up energy that is better used in getting well. No wonder you are exhausted.

In my last job before I retired, the staff were exposed to work stress and we had processes to deal with this. One was free, and confidential, counselling. Key staff were trained to manage minor debriefing and give support to their colleagues. And talking about it in the staffroom is a great way to get it off your chest. Your colleagues may prefer that you are happy and cheerful but I imagine some of them would be horrified to learn of your unhappiness and would want to help and support you.

Is there anyone at work you feel you can talk to safely? It really is important that you do not bottle up all your grief because it will inevitably tumble out one. I did this by bursting into tears at my desk one morning. It took such a small incident to start me off and then I was lost. I also felt a complete fool. Everyone was staring at me and thee whole office went quiet. So please find someone to confide in about the best thing to do re work. I would suggest your manager as the most appropriate but I know these folk are always the best.

Can I suggest you think about these things. Perhaps have a chat to your GP. I did just that this morning and she told me that depression skews our thinking process. It helps to have an objective opinion.

Mary

[SaraJ]

Hi White Rose, Sorry for not getting back to you. It was on my to do list and I kind of got snowed under and went into cut off mode and didn't realise I never did.

 The injuries are work related in a way. More to the point is there's no way to work in my job without ongoing exacerbation of them which means continual flare ups. I've been to GP's, physios, specialists, you name it. Not much they can do about it a lot of the time apart from a patch up or offer "helpful" advice on taking extended amounts of time off work to heal which I feel like I can do and expect to keep my job. 

I should have taken your advice on not continuing to just carry on. I tried to pull myself together and keep going, with the think positive, keep trying to get better at dealing with things, and things will fall in line moto,  but had something happen which caused a bit of a nervous breakdown the other day since I've been walking on the edge for a while.

I've been pretty exhasted, sick and generally burn out a fair but of later. Things that I'd normally cope with, have started to make me stressy and I know it annoys others. I suspect there may be loss of job happening in my near future due to it. I'll have to wait and see what happens.

It's hard to talk to anyone at work. You just get the, you're unhappy a lot at the moment, if you're not coping, maybe you should leave. I think it's often meant well. Most have problems and stressors to contend with themselves. They don't need me getting them down even more with my ongoing problems.

Anyway, moral of the story is that bottling up stress and continue on= bad and loss of ability to deal adequately to stress. Wish I had have listened earlier but I guess some things need to be learnt the hard way. Thank you for everyone who has tried to help, I appreciate the compassion and understanding.

[Doolhof]

Hi SaraJ,

I just came upon your post and would like to offer you some understanding and care.

You mentioned you have an injury that is kind of work related. How has your Dr advised you to go regarding this issue? Have you been in contact with Work Cover at all to see where you might stand from their point of view if you need time off?

Do you have sick leave or holiday time at all that you could utilise to have some time off?

I have been through Work Cover myself and do know it can be a bit of a trying situation to find yourself in, but it does help in the end.

Are you talking with a professional about how you are feeling? It certainly helps to chat here and get things off your chest, a professional may have more ideas and suggestions for you.

Have you tried the web chat or phone lines here at Beyond Blue?

I hope you are able to find a balance and that you will soon be able to enjoy the things that make you happy and content.

Maybe just try to push yourself once each day to do something that has relaxed you in the past. Even a nice hot bath can do wonders or a good book, or both together as long as you don't drop the book in the bath!

Hope some of this helps.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools