My girlfriend left because i'm struggling to cope with my depression and social anxiety

[adrian_mm]

Hi everyone,

I'm 31 and having a very hard time coping at the moment so i thought i'd ask for advice here. My girlfriend of more than 4 years broke up with me yesterday and i know it's essentially because of my increasing depression, anxiety and social anxiety that seems to be getting worse, despite my efforts. I can't stop crying and i'm heartbroken and feel like it's my fault, she wants to move overseas and travel around the world and wanted me to go along, but the thought of being in that situation with no stability of family, friends, or work terrified me and though i desperately wanted to be the kind of person who could just 'do it' i know i would not be good in those situations and couldn't take the leap. She saw this as me not thinking she was worth it, even though that couldn't be more untrue. So i feel like i've driven a wonderful person that i love away because of my weakness and this in turn has made me feel even more depressed and alone than ever before.

I've tried to explain that i can't do certain things because of my issues, but it's been interpreted as a lack of commitment to the relationship, which isn't true in the slightest. On top of the depression, I have a lot of trouble in group social situations and i get very stressed out at family gatherings and parties and people think i'm anti-social, but i'm just very anxious and feel the need to escape those situations. All this adds up to not being able to function as a normal person would in social situations that are important to a relationship. Then if i'm having a particularly bad day with my depression, i can't handle anything at all and avoid seeing people to not let them know what state i'm in.

I'm lost for any way to get around this web of symptoms that seem to exist to attack everything that would make people want to be around me, or for me to have a better life. I've tried therapy twice, but found their approaches simple at best, for what feels like something that is immensely complex and being given the 'depression kit' of documents from a therapist seems like fighting the tide with a broom. I can't sleep, or find motivation, or connect with anyone i don't already know and i'm just foreseeing a future of never getting close to anyone, or worse, getting close and having them leaving me as soon as i have a bad day, week or month of depression, or can't fulfil social obligations. I feel like i've unintentionally sabotaged the best thing in my life and am immensely sad and lost.

[geoff]

hi Adrian, don't blame yourself for not being able to travel o/s, it would only make you feel terrible, even though you'll be with your g/friend, but your depression/anxiety is way too strong, unfortunately your g/friend doesn't realise what this illness can do to anybody and the destruction it will cause.
I appreciate that the two sessions didn't help you, but this illness is something that can't be cured overnight, it takes time and although you weren't happy, can I suggest that the counsellor/psychologist has to know what you are thinking about, what situations you can't cope with and lastly losing your g/friend which could the most important issue that you are now struggling with.
I wish I could say it's going to be easy, because that's what I would hope for you, but there are two problems that need attention, first do you get your depression/anxiety better so then you maybe able to travel with your g/friend, or do you try and do the opposite, that's going to be a hard decision, but please try and go back to counselling and let the person understand how you feel.
You may tell them that you have depression/anxiety, that's the easy part, but they need to know why and how it happens, please give it another go.
The other point I want to make is to try and connect back with g/friend, she may decide to defer her o/s trip until you get the help you need. Geoff.

[adrian_mm]

Thank you for the reply Geoff, let me clarify what i meant by two sessions, i've seen two different therapists for 10-ish sessions, once about 5-6 years ago when i first realised what i had and again recently when it got worse and i got pretty much the same documents and responses from both and while they're perhaps good band-aid solutions for the short term, and only if i'm in the right positive space to follow them every day, they don't account for when i'm not feeling well enough to do them or seem to lead to the long term improvements i'd like to see. I'm booked in for a session with yet another therapist and while i'm hopeful, i'm not expecting any miracles.

I am very aware of my issues, perhaps too aware and i've made a huge effort to try to explain my changing moods and behaviour in social situations to my partner, she also has some milder depression and anxiety so i can't understand why she is not more compassionate and understanding about what i'm going through. She prefers to pretend it's not an illness and more a matter of will, or that it can be solved by ignoring the feelings that you're experiencing. When i was depressed she would withdraw from me and reduce contact and this made me feel even worse, i expressed that i needed emotional support and time and those things would help me bounce back, but she refused to give them and so it kept escalating till i felt abandoned and alone within the relationship.

It's been two years since the plan to move overseas started and i delayed things to try to get myself better enough to be able to go, but i was in a fog most of the time and didn't feel ready for therapy then. The move is happening now and although i'm actively trying to get better and have been for a few months, i'm now in the worst place i've ever been, so i can't see a time in the near enough future where i'll feel like i can handle something like that.

It affects my work and all my relationships, self-esteem and life goals and just when i think i've beaten it, it comes back even worse and for longer periods. It's eroded my will and power to fight it after so many years and i feel like a battery that has no charge left. I've done some reading and think i might have low latent inhibition, which could be a contributing factor to my social issues and depression, but that's not something that has a cure either, so it doesn't change the fact that i will always have the rest of the symptoms and that's a very hard fact to accept.

[demonblaster]

Adrian it's a hard place to be matey but it's not necessarily going to be this way always. Good that you'll be seeing someone else, they may have different strategies or approaches that can help.
Agree with Geoff, they need to know exactly where you are, I suggest putting it in writing so then nothing gets missed.
Yes it'll take hard work & time but if you believe you can get better you're half way there.

Very hard to deal with when gf wasn't supporting or understanding your stress.

Maybe you could meet with her down the track when you're stronger.

Lack of sleep creates so many problems for us emotionally & physically, brings on more stress, pulls us down.
Do you get outta the house very often, not a lot by the sounds unless you have to.
Walking can be stimulating and you don't have to stop and chat with people, usually a quick smile or ackowledgement unless you wanna chat which maybe not how you're feeling atm.
Swimming?
I'm thinking of stuff that doesn't involve needing to be in touch atm with people but getting some endorphines running around & different stimulation to be outta your head temporarily

I am sorry you're feeling like this and would like & hope to see you through to the better side.

Keep talking bud, it does help (outlet) and good people here who understand pain & wanna help.

Go easy on yourself Adrian. Believe you can make it.

[adrian_mm]

Hey db, thanks for the message and yes i'll be seeing someone next week and hoping for better solutions and progress this time. I know sleep is an issue and made things worse when i wasn't getting it, i think it's the stress overload that prevents proper sleep for me and it's been a problem for a while now, i've tried many things to help with it but have never been able to get any consistency and have very low energy a lot of the time.

Your suggestions are good and i train at the gym almost every day and often go for walks and am not at home all the time by any means, i only struggle when it's high pressure group situations which happen at work so that's why i work from home now, and parties and other people's family gatherings are hard for me to handle as well. Basically all the things that are important for career progress and that are important to take part socially in a relationship, it's just hard to manage when it comes across as disinterest and intentional avoidance on my part when it isn't that at all.

All i can do now is take small steps to improve things day by day and hope things return to normal, i read that a period of depression lasts on average 8 months and i'm coming to the end of that amount of time now, hopefully it will lift and i will be able to work on getting better over time. Thank you for your support.

[demonblaster]

You're very welcome Adrian 🙂

Good you do excercise, I suggested to someone else just to contradict myself lol, noticed it helped for me recently, ( I walk hills most days) to back off a bit, to let the body come down for rest. Excercise is fantastic for so many things & mental health being a main one but it creates energy too as well as tiredness, mmmm, how ya going so far keeping up with this lol, I'm struggling 😄 but it worked for me & started the long process of getting much needed sleep, think I'm nearly caught up. Taking a while but getting there. Actually I stopped for over a week which didn't really like but was desparate for sleep.

Tiredness really knocks us about doesn't it, we're at our weakest & strongest when we've had enough sleep.

Hope it goes well with new Psych. Let us know bud

You've got a good attitude about getting better, good for you, keep that, it's strength.

Do you feel self conscious?
Do you like yourself? We need to work on that by being aware of our good points, reminding often. I believe that's how we get confidence that makes us stronger, accepting of ourselves. If we like ourselves, we're more comfortable around others.

You're doing the right thing Adrian, getting help and talking here, keep opening up matey, it's an outlet of pain.
Let it rip bud 🙂

When you're feeling anxious, what goes on. What do you feel?
I imagine tense & panicked
I do feel for ya, reckon you can get on top of it, no doubt take time but that's ok aye, worth the effort for peace.

You're gunna get there, believe 🙂

[adrian_mm]

That's ok db, i think at different times we all need different things, but exercise is a huge help for me and without it i think i would be much worse off because it's such good stress relief and helps with body image and self-confidence and all that. I've gone through periods where i wasn't sleeping and feeling quite down and i would go to the gym and not be able to lift anything because i just didn't have a drop of energy or motivation, and days like that can be very discouraging. But i always end up back there a few days later once i feel i have more energy. I feel like tiredness from the gym is a separate entity to depression related tiredness and not a bad thing, it's more a feeling of having worked hard and earned the tiredness rather than feeling like a flat battery and not being able to do anything as happens with depression related tiredness.

I do feel very self conscious at times and go through periods of highs and lows with it, sometimes i feel good and other times find it hard to look people in the eye or stay engaged in social situations. I tend to stay away from others when i'm feeling that way which probably makes it worse, but it's an instinctive response to prevent further negative feelings from the encounters i think. I do like myself when i feel like i'm fulfilling my potential and doing well, but when i'm not and am stopped by a period of depression i feel like i'm my own biggest obstacle and start to get very angry with myself for being that way, which is obviously not very healthy.

The anxiety is a recent development, i've had social anxiety for what feels like forever now but the panicky feelings, palpitations and feeling tense and stressed without any immediate cause is new for me, so i haven't figured out how to cope with that yet. I'm also an introvert which makes it hard to make new friends and relationships at the best of times. Having already struggled to find ways to cope with the depression and social anxiety over the past few years, it's just another thing on the plate that i would rather not have to deal with, but i'm hoping it won't stay around forever.

It is nice to know there are others out there who understand these things a little better, it seems like although so many people experience it, it's not talked about and people often don't want to offer support to those who need it which is a real shame. Thanks for lending an ear!

[demonblaster]

Oh Adrian so sorry I didn't get back here sooner
you're welcome, always got an ear when you need it

yeah know how you feel about the excercise, unfortunately I've left the weight loss a bit too late, lost 50kgs so far and about 20/30 to go slowly, that way I can eat naughties often lol. It does though make you feel better mentally for sure and within yourself, excercise not eating, nah who am I kidding eating as well lol, most days I see someone I know or just a smiles nice with people walking
It sure works well for stress aye. It needs to come out and I think the exertion and heavy breathing is a good way, I almost feel it coming out at times in my breathing

Self concious is awful isn't it, I feel for you, been there moreso when I was younger in a big way but over the yrs long way to go but gaining confidence and liking myself. Most people do so that helps a lot too cause I figure must have goods for them to like/love me

I know also what you mean about no energy and the excercise tiredness too, once I just couldn't take the last step to complete a hill without a little rest, physically couldn't move my leg lol, think the only thing would've moved me was a fire behind me, but made it eventually. Phew

Usually I don't suffer anxiety but have had bad bouts on occasion and boyo what an ordeal, been able to talk myself down trying to think how to explain it, I think knowing what was going on helped and said to myself calm down and concentrated on breathing normally which helped & I settled.
They're saying about grounding techniques along the lines of looking at something, concentrating, feeling something I think along the lines of distraction.

Good you have positives about yourself in the good times at least, remember to try and see depression as a separate identity and not how you choose to feel, it's brilliant and skilled at pulling us down but I believe we can get on top of it.

Hang in there bud 🙂

Sorry again took a while for response

[demonblaster]

Just replied so hoping I clicked post, I'll check later to be sure. Dah, slaps head

[JackM]

I have found that the best approach (for me) is to conceal my conditions which are PTSD, pain from plates in my face after having it re-arranged by a gentleman ambusher, and so-called clinical depression which I am reasonably sure is actually objective sadness.

Sure, they find out that *something* is wrong even if you are a good actor, but usually that is better than admitting to the condition. Because I have found that once you admit to it, you face almost immediate rejection.

I hate to pry but is the planned move overseas a solid plan? Perhaps the anxiety that you are experiencing is not solely due to any mental conditions that you have, but because the plan isn't a very good one.