My employer made me see a psychologist

[Saadie]

Hi, I've just discovered the forum aspect to beyond blue and thought I'd try be brave enough to get the advice I'm so desperately craving. I'm not sure how to write what I'm feeling but I'm going to give it a shot. Basically, I am terrified. So much has happened in the last few months and I'm struggling to make sense of it. It's all so overwhelming. Just before Christmas, I was confronted by a work colleague about my apparent change in behaviour. I insisted I was fine but a few days later was approached again. Since then, it has been a whirlwind of chaos. 

Anyway, earlier this year, my employer made me see a psychologist. That in itself was difficult. I refused to go back. I've been finding things getting harder and harder. I can't concentrate at work. I can't sleep. I wake up every hour. I'm

sad, all of the time. This has been going on for about 6 months but the last month has been the hardest. I spoke to the colleague  again and found myself back at the psychologist. She now wants me to see a psychiatrist. I am literally terrified. 

I have never dealt with anything.  I also grew up with a drug addicted sister, abusive brother,  and alcoholic/absent father.  I was abused as a child. 

I am drinking a lot. I am having thoughts about how easy it would be to just end everything. I don't want to. But I can't escape the thoughts.

I am so scared. I'm completely numb to everything. Apart from the occasional tears. I catch myself thinking about how easy it would be to just, let go. To leave. 

Tonight has been hard. I've been anxious and scared. Sad and jumpy at the slightest noises. 

Please, someone tell me it will be ok. The only person I trust is my work colleague and I have leant on her too much already. 

[sola]

First of all I'd like to say thank you for sharing your story, it takes courage to open up to other people, especially when we are vulnerable. 

The thought of being mentally ill or losing our mind can be very frightening to anybody. But, what is being mentally ill? It depends on how we look at it. We can see it as, there is something wrong with us...we are at fault and put ourselves down, which wouldn't do any good at all. Or we can just see it as being "merely on the edge of the human experience". Sounds better, doesn't it. So it comes down to how we view ourselves and the world around us.

Don't worry too much about who you can trust or rely on, because the most important person we should trust and rely on is ourselves.

Ask yourself the question...what am I scared of? Do my fears have a valid reason or am I over reacting a little bit? Try to examine your thoughts and find the answers in your mind. 

When we our children, we don't have choices, we depend on other people's kindness to take care of us. And when we are taken advantage of, or abused, we develop certain coping skills in order to survive which is based on being powerless.   As adults, we are not powerless any longer, and we do have choices, but quite often we still use the same coping skills (which we learned as powerless children) to overcome challenges. As powerful adults, we can take care of ourselves and we  can take responsibility for ourselves. But quite often, we continue to hand over the power to others, continue to hold others responsible for how we feel, because that is what we learned as children.  

Life is not always smooth and happy, pain and suffering is unavoidable, but as long as we own our problems, we can fix them. As long as we don't hand over the power to others, we have the power to overcome challenges in in life. 

I hope you realise how brave you are for sharing your fears with us. And I hope you  recognise your power within yourself.

Be kind to yourself

Sola

[White_Rose]

Hello Saadie

I am glad you found the courage to write in here and I do hope we can help you.  Sola has written terrific stuff and so please think about it all.

Can you explain why seeing the psychologist was scary?  I know it's not the easiest thing to do and people have different reactions.  I am wondering why this experience was so difficult for you and I am asking partly because the same reason may apply to seeing a psychiatrist. 

When you say she wants you to see a psychiatrist, do you mean your work colleague or the psychologist?  I'm just a little confused.

I really agree with Sola's comment about having a mental illness is "merely being on the edge of the human experience".  It is such an apt phrase and so true.  I think everyone on this site will relate to this comment and their own experiences.

If you will allow me to give advice, go to the psychiatrist and tell him/her about your fears.  This is a common feeling, especially towards psychiatrists.  I think they have had bad press in the past.  Also, going to a psychiatrist makes the feeling of being different in some way more tangible and this is the scary and hurtful part.

Like all people, psychiatrists and psychologists can be good, incompetent, rude, fantastic or mediocre.  If you feel happy with the specialist, stay there.  If not, get your GP to refer you to another one.  You do not have to stay with a person you are uncomfortable with.

Do you have friends to support you?  You mention your work colleague, but what about others.  Again tell the psych if you are alone as this will make a difference to his/her assessment and therapy.

Please continue to write in here.  Others will respond to you I'm sure.

Warm regards

White Rose

[Saadie]

Thankyou. 

Im not sure what I find so scary. I shut down completely. I turn mute. I wish I knew why I did it, but I do. I physically cannot get words out no matter how hard I try. When work first made me see a psychologist, they had someone come out to me. She was awful. She was rude, blunt and very difficult to speak with. She kept telling me I was angry and that I needed to grow up because I'm 29. 

I refused to see her again and agreed to see someone different. She's wonderful and much easier to speak to, although I still find it so, so hard to open up. 

At the moment, work is covering the costs. But I only receive 6 sessions and I can't imagine not needing more. I don't know how I could afford to continue seeing her after the 6 sessions are finished. That scares me too. I don't want to get in to things, and be worse off than I am now if that makes sense. 

Last week at the psychologist, she asked me to complete two questionnaires. It was then that she said she wanted me to see a psychiatrist. She believed I was suffering from severe clinical depression and PTSD. She wanted me to go to the hospital down the road. She basically said I couldn't leave without going there first. I managed to get her to agree to let me get a referral from my GP which I did. Although my referral is to a private psychiatrist so I can't afford that either. 

She (psychologist) wants me medicated. 

I have incredible friends. I am beyond lucky to have the support from my friends that I do. But they know very little about my current state. They know things haven't been great but think I'm doing well. I could never tell them that I'm not. I can't bring myself to talk about any of it with them. I trust them completely but I cannot talk to them. And I won't do that to them. 

Im sorry for posting in here. I'm just feeling very lost and can't seem to shake the negative, wanting to give up feelings. I want to give up. The thoughts of the future are just way too overwhelming. 

[White_Rose]

Dear Saadie

I can see you are in such a difficult place and I want to give you a big hug and say it will be OK eventually.  I know this does not mean anything at the moment, but it will. 

I want to address all your concerns.  These first points relate to the financial aspect of managing your difficulties.

1. It's great that you gave the first psychologist the flick.  The profession does not need people like that and neither do you.  Stick with the second psych if you feel comfortable.
2. Glad your GP was able to refer you to a psychiatrist.  Phone the receptionist and ask the cost of the fee.  Remember you will be entitled to a Medicare rebate and only responsible for the gap payment.  Sometimes these psychiatrists charge huge amounts over the rebate.  If this is the case you can ask your GP to refer you to someone who charges lower fees, nearer the Medicare rebate.  You may then only pay a small amount.  Alternatively your GP may find a psychiatrist who bulk bills, but don't hold your breath.
3. Make sure Medicare has your bank details so that rebates can be put straight into your account.  Most doctors will electronically send your account directly to Medicare after you pay the full amount.  The rebate lands in your account within 24 hours.  So you are not out of pocket for a huge amount for very long.  If the doctor does not have electronic banking you can go straight to Medicare and present your account and again the rebate will be in your account in 24 hours.
4. Once your six sessions with the psych from work are finished there is an alternative.  Your GP should write a mental health plan for you.  I'm surprised if this has not already happened.  Your GP should be setting up a plan to manage your depression. In this plan is provision for you to have 12 sessions with a psychologist, free of charge, paid by Medicare.  You do not even need to pay up front as once approved the provider claims the fee directly.
5. I am not sure if you will be able to use these 12 sessions with your current psych.  I see no reason why not and it makes sense to continue with someone you already know.  But the ways of bureaucracy are unknowable as far as I am concerned.  What is certain is that you are entitled to these free sessions.
6. I suggest you see your GP soon re the mental health plan, well before your current six sessions end.  As long as the sessions are in the same calendar year you are covered.  There is no start date so you can just migrate from one to another.

OK, now for some personal coping mechanisms.

Many people find it hard to talk to a psychologist and for that matter to talk to anyone in a formal situation.  I remember interviewing someone for a job and she could barely speak because of her anxiety.  Several times I thought she would cry or pass out.  I'm not sure if it was more painful for her or me. 

To help you manage this very uncomfortable and scary situation I have a suggestion.  Think about what you want to say next time.  Based on what was said last time you will have an idea how this psych operates.  In any case, what do you want to tell her?

Write it all down.  I know this can be a little uncomfortable but there is a payoff for you.  It helps to clarify your thoughts and keep you on track.  Rewrite as often as you wish.  Take this paper with you to your next session, and also to the psychiatrist if you have an appointment.  Reading your thoughts to the psychologist is much easier than trying to come up with an answer or description on the spot. 

If this is still difficult, then give the paper to the psych.  She can then ask you about it and you can give short answers which are easier to manage.

Explain in your notes how difficult it is to talk and how you struggle with this.  The more you write down, the less you need to talk.  Once you become more comfortable the less need you will have to write your thoughts.  This is a bit different to journaling, although that is also a good thing to do and you can take your journal with you to consultations if you wish.

Next, friends.  Having great friends is truly a blessing.  Over time I have discovered their worth and their care for me.  I also understand your reluctance to 'burden them' with your problems.  Been there, done that.  Advice I was given was to limit the number of people you disclosed to.  Think about who will listen in a non-judgmental way and not try to force their opinions or advice on you.  After a while you will be able to explain how they can support you, but for the time being, just talk to one or two.

Explore the tabs at the top of the page.  You will find heaps of information about depression for yourself.  Equally as useful will be the fact sheets for your friends. Again, if you are finding it difficult to explain, these fact sheets will do the job for you.

Unfortunately I have nearly used my word allowance.  But I have probably talked for too long anyway.

Write in soon.

Warm regards

White Rose

[Saadie]

I can't do this. 

Today sucked. I had another appointment with my psychologist. She still wants me to see a psychiatrist. She told me that until I have a diagnosis there is nothing more she can do. She then stood up, opened the door and said thanks so I got up and walked out. That was 20 minutes in to my 90 minute session. 

The last 6 months have been so difficult. 

Mi can't do it all over again. 

I give up. 

[White_Rose]

Dear Saadie

Please don't give up just yet.  It really is amazing how much we can do when we want to.  I am surprised at the psych's reaction.  Did she understand how difficult it is for you to talk?

Please go back to your doctor and have a good chat.  Book a long appointment.  If you feel unable to explain, write down all yours fears as I suggested above.

I know it's hard but do contact the psychiatrist and find out what fees are charged at that practice.  I'm sure you will find that your actual cost will be relatively small.

I am so concerned about you.  I can only talk to you, you must gather your strength and take some steps to help yourself.  Doctor then psychiatrist.  If you do nothing else these steps are imperative.

I have to leave now.  Grab your courage in both hands, take a deep breath and go for it.

White Rose