Battling the black heavy mist

[Esther123]

I feel that all to familiar black heavy mist consuming my soul, my body, my thoughts, my moods. I can't fight it now, I'm tired. My thoughts sit in my fatigued head, my heart physically hurts. I open my mouth but all those words spewing out of me like I'm auto pilot are not me. 

Who am I anymore? 

Its been so long I can't remember who I was! 

Why does this dark pain never go to that place in my head that my heart, soul and me seems to be hiding. 

I have fought this for too long and I'm tired. I sit and think how I just want to get in my car and just disappear. I can't carry this pain anymore, I can't keep putting my family through me and my darkness. 

I want my children to not have a memory of their mum being this shell, I'm sure they look deep into my eyes and struggle to see my soul. But I smile and continue to be that strange person who looks at me in the mirror. 

How many more tears can fall silently from my eyes before I face what I know is the answer to all this pain becoming nothing more than a distant memory. 

My name is Esther, I have a husband that I feel everyday is drifting away from me, he is busy and constantly reminds me that he is so busy, too busy for me. The motions always move smoothly, he does support me. But I can't stand seeing his face again and again as he looks at me like I'm a wounded animal that he knows he can fix. I only show him parts of me now, and yet he does bit noticed that his wife is slowly dying inside. I can't remember the last time he gently held me and made me feel like no one else existed. 

My name is Esther , I have two children 8 and 15, I go through the motions but what use is a mum that can't get out of bed on her days off to be an active participant in their lives. This is the person they shall forever remember.

My name is Esther, I work but I go through the motions there.

My name is Esther and I was diagnosed 2 yrs ago with this soul destroying debilitating illness depression. I was going ok and have gone down in the last 6 months. My dark thoughts are becoming more regular, I find my self whispering that my uselessness would not be missed. 

I have not posted on here for some time. 

[Neil_1]

Hi there Esther,

Well, despite the fact that you've appeared to have posted here before, I'm going to Welcome You to Beyond Blue anyway.  And to thank you for providing your well thought and constructed post.  I liked the way you did that.

I'm very much hearing you with all that you've written and yes, it's just an ongoing battle and as you say, the soul destroying debilitating illness of depression.

Ok, so you've got a loving and lovely family of 4 - same as me - although my kids are son 16yo and daughter 13yo.

Esther, with the way things are changing these days with regard to this illness, yes, the stigma is still attached to it, but it's not nearly as bad as it was, let's just say, even 5 years ago.  What I'm getting at here is with the ever changing landscape of community knowledge about depression, I'm hoping that your children may understand (especially the 15yo) that their mum is suffering from this illness.  And it IS an illness - I've said before and I'll say it again - which is no different to cancer.

You've been battling now for the past two years, BUT, I would put any amount of money on the fact that it hasn't all consumed you 100% of that time during that time.  Again, what I'm getting at here is that your children KNOW that their mum is suffering and fighting this, BUT they know you are their mum, they know you love them unconditionally and will move heaven and earth to do anything for them.  These are the things that will be deeply embedded into their soul - into their mind.  And they will hope like crazy that at some stage, you might be able to turn the tide on this.

Esther, you mentioned that you were diagnosed 2 years ago - with that, are you having any regular professional appointments - be they, with GP or any counselling, psyche appointments, etc?   And are you on any anti-depressants?

Just before I wrap this first post up to you and you gotta know, that I'm gonna be back here - and I fully believe there'll be other posters here for you soon as well.  But just before I do go, are you at all able to participate in any physical activity - like walks, or going to the gym, gardening, etc??

Again, thanx for posting Esther, and I look forward to hearing back from you.

Kind regards

Neil

[white knight]

Hi Esther,  welcome also.

Neil is so correct in his ideas.  I'd like to address your lifestyle.  We can so easily get bogged down.  Work, meals, routine routine routine.  Bare in mind in a few quick years your children will have left home and you are more unleashed to go camping or travelling etc...things you can do much of at the moment. Your lifestyle will change!

In the meantime find the time to venture out, once a week to do something you alone or with hubby, you can do that's exciting. Movies, trike riding in the city, boat rides etc.

As for your kids memory of you when they get older.  they will always remember you as a good mum unless they are abused. Having a mum with 'problems' is a lessen in life for them, that people do get ill and it can include anyone. They might, hopefully end up compassionate and understanding for those with mental illness issues and if so they will be amongst the minority. .  Please dont be so harsh on yourself.

Hugs to you.

[White_Rose]

Dear Esther

What a dreadful place to be.  I've been there and I know the struggle to get out.  I want to echo what Neil has said with regard to getting professional help.  If you do not have any or have stopped consulting anyone, please find someone to help.  This is an important first step. No one can do this for you so please find the will and the strength to do this.  Start with your GP.  Perhaps medication will help in the short term.

Enlist the help of your 15 yo to get you moving, or at least out of bed.  Plan an activity to do with your children such going to the cinema or for a walk.  I know it's hard and you just want to hide under the bedclothes.  But you can make yourself do these things.  You have cared for your husband and children for two years, don't give up now.

Have you been able to talk to your husband about how you feel?  If not, what about writing a letter to him to say all things you want him to know.  Tell him you want to be held lovingly.  Remind him how good it felt.  It's possible he feels you do not want these things and is feeling unwanted. This may be partly why he is busy at work.

I hated being the way you describe and I also wondered if the world would even notice if I was not there, let alone miss me.  Make no mistake, you will be missed and it is my impression that you are a caring person, able to give and receive love. You have a deep love for poetry and an appreciation of goodness.  At the moment those characteristics are sleeping.  Can you think of ways to wake them up?

Being hard on yourself is such a typical symptoms of depression.  In some ways it makes me smile when I hear that sort of language from others.  I usually hear it from myself so listening to others gives me a sense of proportion and a deeper understanding that it is indeed a common symptom. 

I must go to sleep before I fall onto the computer keyboard.  Neil and White Knight have posted good stuff so you have plenty to think about.  Please keep us up to date.

Warm regards

White Rose