My constant battle with depression.

[thestruggle]

Hi. This is my first post, I normally call support services or seek advice from my GP but today someone thought it may benefit me to join the forums. I have suffered with depression since the start of highschool. I'm 24 now and I feel well over half of my days are a real struggle. I find it hard to get excited about anything, nothing really gives me much pleasure and sometimes when it is really bad; I feel trapped and so alone. Stress is a real trigger for me. I feel incapable most of the time to help or look after myself. I don't have many friends and I feel that I am a constant burden on my family. I haven't felt "right" for a long time and I struggle to eat most days. I'm not sure how detailed I should get here, I don't see much point in typing out all of my personal issues or problems just yet. I just thought I should try to make contact with people who are also struggling with day to day life and maybe for once not feel so alone. Thanks for reading.

[blondguy]

Hi thestruggle and a Warm Welcome to the BB Forums

My name Paul and I understand where you are coming from. I have had anxiety for many years and I also have very few friends too. You are not a burden on your family at all. I also have depression and it can be an awful place to be in. You have had depression for a long time and it is sad especially at such a young age.

I havent felt 'right' for long time either...Depression can be like having a blanket over your head and you dont know which way to turn. Your post is well worded and spoken from the heart. Struggling to eat is a classic sign of depression. If I may ask you....do you get along with your Gp well? Sometimes a therapist/Councillor can be a great help to provide you with a foundation on which to heal.

I have found the forums a great benefit with my depression even though I have only been a member since January

There are many wonderful people on the forums that have depression/anxiety.We are here for you

I do hope you have some peace soon

Paul

[thestruggle]

Hi Paul. Thanks for your kind reply. That is a good simile about depression. It sure does feel that way. It also feels like a neverending cycle. Some days are better than others, but ultimately the horrible feelings seem to come back and start all over again. I do like my GP, he has been a real support and I feel like he truly cares about me and isn't just there to prescribe medications. He has really been the only health professional who I have stuck by my whole time dealing with depression and also some anxiety. However, unfortunately I do sometimes just feel like there is only so much he can do to help me. I have seen psychologists/psychiatrists and counselors in the past. I have even spent time in a private hospital trying to sort out my issues. I guess I struggle with my motivation to keep my life in check. I let most things slide because it all just seems like too much to deal with. I now work full-time so it can be a good distraction but also is very draining of my energy. As much as I hate going to work most of the time, when I have days off I struggle even more because all I have left to focus my attention on is how I'm feeling at that time. People say I'm too hard on myself or that I should be kind to myself. I don't know how to do that. I'm good at beating myself up. Thank you for your kind words and understanding again.

[Anahata]

Hi struggle, it is a struggle, isn't it? You said stress is a trigger for you, it is for me too, big time. I just can't seem to cope with stress. Another trigger for me is tiredness. It's good you are aware of your triggers. Keeping a journal has helped me identify what things set me off.

It's good you have a helpful GP. Finding a specialist is a bit hit and miss, you are likely to have some bad experiences along the way but it's good when you finally do find one because they do specialise in the problem. I have had some lousy psychiatrists but the one I have now is very good and the medication he has given me has been most helpful (most of the time!)

I know what you mean about letting things slide. My house is a disaster. When I'm feeling good I do a bit but next thing I know I feel rotten again and it's so hard to maintain and keep on top of what I achieved before.

That is when you do have to learn to be kind to yourself. Beating yourself up will only make you feel more horrible. I said in another post that having depression is much like having an injury from which you have to heal. It's not a moral failing or reason to berate yourself. Try listening to your inner dialogue. A good rule of thumb is if you wouldn't dream of saying it to someone else because it's too nasty, you shouldn't be saying it to yourself either.

[blondguy]

Thankyou for posting back thestruggle

I just noticed you mentioned " that I should be kind to myself and I dont know how do that"

I am still learning it....and it does take practice and time....I understand its a pain....Even with my depression now if anyone says 'Paul..you have to love yourself to heal'.......I cant do that...because I dont 'love' the way I think...I just dont know how to do that...

I have just learned how to be 'kind to myself' and in a nutshell....If I am unmotivated or feeling like I have to achieve the silly perfectionist goals I used to set myself.....I just slow down now and achieve the same goals and use only 60% of the effort I used to and still achieve the same result. Whether I have taught myself to be lazy...simple....or more 'relaxed' it doesnt really matter....I had to change from the perfectionist I was to having less high expectations.....

Being Kind To Yourself (not loving yourself)....

* Fighting the depression/anxiety only feeds the fire...its counter productive..

* Calm and True Acceptance of Depression is one of the keys that can unlock the door to recovery...

* Treat yourself.....a beautiful Chinese meal...or KFC....if it feels good..do it...

* Be indulgent....sleep in on weekends....who cares?

I apologise if this is a silly post..I hope a little of it has been of some help to you...

Kind Thoughts for you, and I hope your Monday is good to you..

Paul

[thestruggle]

Thanks for your replies Anahata and Paul. Some really good advice. I hope you both are doing well. I woke up this morning, the depressive feelings were quite overwhelming. I'm not looking forward to work (who ever does?) and was worried about how I would cope today. I forced myself to get up and have a shower, its only 8:30am now. It's too hard to eat anything, just a cup of coffee and a cigarette is all I can normally manage so I don't know why I expect anything different. I feel better right now than I had been feeling all weekend but I decided to make another appointment with my GP. I really need to just tell him everything, I feel like I tend to forget everything I have to say once I'm in his office. I have a list as per usual and I'm hoping he can help me. I really believe I need to try to improve my diet, it's just hard when you don't cook and the motivation is next to zero most days to even think about eating. Maybe one of those meal replacement shakes could help? I tend to feel better about things if I feel I have achieved something. It may seem small to others, but just getting myself up and ready for the day gives me a sense of achievement. I'm waiting for my Dad to come and help me with a few things around the house before I have to go to work. I find listening to my favourite music when I'm in the right mood really lifts my spirits. Anahata, I know what you mean when you talk about the house. I am the same, I will let things pile up for a while, it makes me feel terrible because I feel so incapable but once in a while I get a big enough spurt of energy to fix it all up again. I hope you both have a good day and hopefully speak to you again soon.

[blondguy]

Hi thestruggle

Thanks for posting back. Im sorry to read that your depression seems to be really hanging around. Just a note on the eating...I use Nestle Hospital Strength Sustagen if my appetite disappears...I think they have Chocolate, Vanilla and recently with/without fibre too.

You are lucky to have a great dad to help you out. Good news that you have made another appointment with your GP too 🙂

Good to hear from you

Kind Thoughts

Paul

[thestruggle]

Hi Paul. Just a quick note to say the GP visit went well. I've had a tough few days but feeling a bit better now. GP suggested Sustagen too! Ha! I think I was feeling really lost with it all, as you mentioned earlier the whole blanket over the head. I guess for anyone reading you should always make that next appointment. It may feel too hard or even somewhat hopeless at the time but if you have a good group of health professionals to assist then you should always make the most of that. I'm trying to think more positive about it all, I have the next few days off to recover from work but I plan to do some nice things to get me out of the house and keep me active. I think I will be OK, I hope you are too. Thanks for your support.

[blondguy]

Hi The!

You have done very well...that GP going well is a bonus too. I always feel a bit 'stronger' or better after seeing mine. Good old Sustagen and your doc coming up with it HA!....Made me smile!

You have made my day! Enjoy your time off..you deserve to..Thankyou for your kind wishes too!

Your thread will be here if you need us and thankyou for posting back as you have...Many people that dont post would have benefited too by reading this

Cheers

Paul

[thestruggle]

Hi Paul and others reading. I hope you are good. I just finished work and I am feeling kind of low. I know I should just relax and chill, do something that I enjoy but I just have this uneasy feeling. I don't really feel like talking or seeing anyone but yet I feel so lonely. I hope it goes soon. I just need to keep telling myself I may be physically alone right now but I am not alone when it comes to having such bad feelings. It would be great to hear from you or others with ideas on how to cope with isolation and/or depression. Thank you.