My constant battle with depression.

thestruggle · ‎10-04-2016

Hi. This is my first post, I normally call support services or seek advice from my GP but today someone thought it may benefit me to join the forums. I have suffered with depression since the start of highschool. I'm 24 now and I feel well over half of my days are a real struggle. I find it hard to get excited about anything, nothing really gives me much pleasure and sometimes when it is really bad; I feel trapped and so alone. Stress is a real trigger for me. I feel incapable most of the time to help or look after myself. I don't have many friends and I feel that I am a constant burden on my family. I haven't felt "right" for a long time and I struggle to eat most days. I'm not sure how detailed I should get here, I don't see much point in typing out all of my personal issues or problems just yet. I just thought I should try to make contact with people who are also struggling with day to day life and maybe for once not feel so alone. Thanks for reading.

thestruggle · ‎19-04-2016

I'm feeling worthless. I'm sick of feeling the way I do both physically and emotionally. I don't see any point to my life. I'm stuck. I hate almost every aspect of my life and I admit maybe I will never be willing to change it. It's too hard and I don't see a reward. I hate living like this, but at the same time whether I'm well or sick, I will still have to deal with the same old monotonous s*** that life has to offer me. I'm sorry this post is so negative and probably serves no purpose but it just how I feel. In regards to Billy, I have felt inadequate my whole life. I have no self esteem and as a result no social life, interests or friends. My only coping mechanism was to isolate and distract. Isolate and distract. Before I know it, 10 years has past. The world has changed, my city has changed, my family has changed and I am the same. Sad, angry, jealous and disappointed.

Billyhad · ‎19-04-2016

Hi thestruggle

Firstly id like to tell you that everything you write up on here has a purpose. YOU have a purpose. I know right now it doesn't feel like that and it feels like you are stuck while the people and world around you are moving but you are here because you have a purpose. We may not know that right now but we will know in time.

Most of the time we compare ourselves to people who we THINK are in better positions than us,never the ones who are worse than us. What this does is leave us feeling worthless, isolated, stuck and frustrated!! The truth is that you have achieved something today. You have worked, you have written up on this forum, you have made money to look after yourself. Might seem petty but that is the truth. What you feel is telling you otherwise to the truth.

I constantly felt inadequate and had really low self esteem. You must have got that from someone in your earlier years. Can you rememeber who? Mother, father, brother, sister etc..? Remembering who, will go a long way to help heal that hurt. People like us are deficited. There is a massive emotional deficit in our lives. We never got what we needed when we were younger. We were never told the simple positive stuff like "i love you" or "good work son" or "you are doing well." The truth is, you are doing well. You are coping, you are achieving. You are a good person. You are selfless and you put peoples needs ahead of yours. I know this because all people who suffer depression have the same traits. You are an acceptable person!!

You feel sad because you feel that you have been ripped off. You feel depression has ripped you of your life. This may be true but this is only one of many steps in your journey to recovery.

The feeling of jealousy may be because as i mentioned earlier, we compare ourselves to people who we THINK are in better positions than us. Believe me when i say that everyone has their own problems. you will be suprised at how many people struggle the way you do but dont tell anyone, just like you dont tell anyone.

if i can suggest anything, if you allow me to, it would be to seek out a psychotherapist. These professionals are trained a little differently to psychologists and councelors.

Hang in there. You are doing great even though it doesnt feel like it.

Billy

blondguy · ‎19-04-2016

I am sad that you are in this dark place.....There is no such thing as a negative post and it does have a purpose...you have a kind and gentle soul....ok? I can see that much. I was 23 when I first started getting the awful feelings that you are going through and I do feel for you.

We are here for you...no worries at all. I was terminated from my senior job in January and found my way here and I am glad I have because of the great people I have met on here including you and Billy....and many others that are suffering the same pain.

Please be 'gentle' to yourself...You are worth it...

If its okay...do have a nickname of something that we can call you? thestruggle is breaking my fingers 🙂 (Just if you wish of course)

My Kindest Thoughts to you.....(hug) if thats okay...

Paul

thestruggle · ‎20-04-2016

Thanks Billy and Paul. You both have such a good insight into my world. I do need help. My thought patterns and actions have become second nature and it is stopping me from being who I want to be. I guess I wish I was someone else but I shouldn't really feel that way. I should be able to learn to accept who I am, what I have and just be satisfied or even happy with that. Even saying happy feels foreign to me. I am constantly looking at others and imagining what their lives must be like so wishing one day it would be mine. My name is Nick and a hug is most welcome. I'm going to tuck myself in and look forward to some peace. Goodnight all.

blondguy · ‎21-04-2016

Hey Nick

You are most welcome! Accepting who you are can take time and the help of a therapist like you mentioned. Its taken me many years and my great Gp but it does help to have the help.

You are a very kind and caring person who articulates how he feels so very well. You are a special person and an individual that is unique and precious in their own right.

Billy is spot on above....you are an achiever by having the guts and self awareness by joining the BB forums. My self esteem isnt where it should be either and feel like I dont really matter too. It can be dark place to be but Nick...you are not alone...

My Kind Thoughts for you

Paul

Billyhad · ‎21-04-2016

Hi Nick. Hope you feeling better.

I really hope that you understand that what you are going through and what you will go through, is not uncommon to us. We have experienced what you have experienced. You are a battler and because of these struggles you will be a better man for it. Sometimes in our lives things happen to us that at the time, we dont understand why? But in due time this will come to fruition.

We often look at other people and think that their lives are so perfect. We paint a mental pic that everyone is perfect but ourselves. We never consider the fact that no one is perfect. We tend to do this more when we are really down because we just want to escape. We take flight instead of fighting.

Once you get help and start feeling comfortable in your own skin and know whomyou are as a person, you will then see how much of a great person you are. At the moment you have no sense of self which is a totally normal place to be with a peraon in your situation. You need to start a journey. A journey to find yourself. I.e your passions, dreams, strenghths, weaknesses etc.... These will be found out mostly with the help of a therapist.

You are great, you are empathic, you are selfless. All the traits of a great person. Its just that at the current moment you FEEL like shit..... which is not the truth!

Get well mate. Im here for you...

Billy.

Clues_Of_Blue · ‎26-04-2016

Hi Nick,

So much of what you've said really resonates with me. I'm lucky enough not to suffer low self esteem, but I really identify with what you're feeling in terms of triggers, and exhaustion, and that thing where you're not sure if you want to talk to anyone, but you're lonely anyway. I especially know that crash you described, coming home from work. In some ways I value the post you described as "so negative and probably serves no purpose but it just how I feel" most of all because much of it echoed the stuff that often goes through my head when I've been doing okay through the day with work or whatever, then get home to my house and see housework waiting for me and no messages from anyone to show I'm not alone (in human terms, I do have my birds and they're great). It's pretty overwhelming sometimes. Thankfully it does pass, and there are things we can do to help that.

I second the idea of texting someone when you're in that tired, vaguely social but not sure if I can be bothered kind of mode, or as you have been doing, posting on here. It's good to have that outlet for it, and see in black and white that someone's on the same page with you. Otherwise I veg in front of the computer and watch something that either engages my mind, or makes me laugh. Admittedly, sometimes I feel kind of bad about that too, like I should be doing something better even though I'm so tired. In those times I do something little that doesn't take much energy. For instance, that word that keeps coming up in the book I'm reading: I'm in bed when I see it and can't look it up but I'm damned if I know what it means. So I learn what the hell that word is. Accomplishment, yay! And if you're up with the gadgets and use Google on your phone, you can sit yourself outside in the sun (if it's the right time of day) and do it there. In my journey I have discovered what a huge role sunlight and nature can play in mood. There's a character limit, so I'll go into that in detail another time, but it's huge and a bit of sun every day can help a lot. And I have this handy app with nature sounds, too (called Nature Sounds), that plays stuff like waves or birds or rain, etc. Not sun, but that element of nature can really help ease tension and give you a kinder mental image than that bleak fog that comes with depression.

I'm gonna have to make another post out of this because I'm far too verbose for just one.

Clues_Of_Blue · ‎26-04-2016

Sounds like you're struggling a lot with housework and that sort of thing, like I do. It's in the too hard basket a lot of the time. But there are strategies for that, as well. Mine is minimising stuff. During my rare bursts of motivation, I pick an area to go through and just start getting rid of things. Stuff that reminds me of times I'd rather not think about are top of the list as they are triggers. Forget sentiment. Presents from people no longer in your life, clothes you don't really wear or heavily associate with bad times or people, oddments you don't need, like that milk frother you bought on a whim as if you could be bothered using it. Ditch it. I've taken so many bags of clothes and shoes and things like that to charity bins. I have half the dishes and clothes I used to, so though I have to wash them more often they can't pile up and the job is way smaller, and manageable. I don't have my surfaces half as cluttered up and making my mind feel cluttered, which believe me really drains your energy. And the same goes for people. I don't mean ditch your actual friends, but if you've got people in your life that use you, or just give you negative feedback, or are simply idiots of no relevance to you, delete them from Facebook, or ignore their "I want something" calls/messages, or just say good-bye. Save your time for that one guy who always lets you know when your favourite band is in town or when cheese is on special (because cheese is awesome). Losing all the baggage, both material and human is really cleansing. Keep the things and people that contribute something worthwhile to your life and you won't be wasting your precious energy tidying up piles of junk you don't even need, or appeasing someone you don't even like (I've applied that to family, as well; that aunt I never liked just doesn't get better than the most basic courtesy if we happen to be in the same place). You know what? I don't miss any of it, and I have a bit more energy for better things.

My advice when it comes to treating yourself follows the same principles. I'm not saying never make an impulse buy if it makes you happy, just stop a second and ask yourself if you're really going to enjoy it. Buyers remorse is a bit of an energy sapper, and ties in with junk you don't want to waste time on. But that book of close-up pictures of gooseberries? Gonna look at that every day, hell yeah I'm getting it. Mmm, gooseberries (...er, for example). Hope this helps.

thestruggle · ‎28-04-2016

Hi everyone. Thank you so much for all your responses. Some really sound advice and Blue's Clues posts gave me a bit of a chuckle here and there. You have a great sense of humor. I feel OK at the moment, I've had some days off which means I'm not as stressed as usual. Some days are better than others but I've been quite busy building a life for myself. I moved into my first rental a month or so back and I finally had enough motivation to go and get some pieces of furniture and make it my own space. I think that a home environment you feel 100% comfortable in is really important for people who suffer with depression. I've built quite a bit of IKEA which was fun, frustrating at times but it gave me something to do, focus on and a sense of achievement once it was all completed. It is a relief to think that now I have this stuff to call my own, it was distressing coming home alone to an empty place that felt lifeless and barren. I know it might sound a bit materialistic but it makes me happy. I do enjoy a bit of shopping, finding a good bargain but more importantly it gets me out of the house, around other people and can take your mind off things for a while. I'm also looking forward to finally getting proper internet here so I can watch some movies, TV series etc. I'm waiting for Telstra right now to set up my line. I hope you all remember that Kath & Kim episode. Ha! I hope you are all doing well. My thoughts with you. Nick.

Billyhad · ‎28-04-2016

Hi Nick

Im so happy to hear you are doing well. Just remember life is all ups and downs. We cant go from an up to an upper up. We have to come down sometime and when we do, it is how we regulate that drop is what counts.

All the best

Billy