Miserable in life - Contamination OCD / Depression - wishing I had a friend

[highhopes]

Hey all,
Thanks for your time reading my post. I actually suffer from the following:
Contamination OCD
Depression
Anxiety
PTSD

My contamination OCD affects every single thing I do in my life and everything everyone else does around me (such as my partner).
I have extreme anxiety when it comes to bringing something in the house (or even from one area of the house to another sometimes) and even going to the mailbox I have to have a shower (new clothes required).
After work I shower before touching anything in the house unless I can help it (only door handles I touch and wipe afterwards). I wipe my phone down and the floor behind me.
I have an extreme phobia of Cigerette smoke and panic being anywhere near it as well as get panicked seeing it on tv.
I am still productive in some sense as I love gardening but still get frustrated when I get dirt under my nails even though I use latex gloves.
Even though there is people around me like family and my partner, i'm feeling extremely lonely inside going through this on a day to day basis.
I am on a particular medication which is helping but there is still a worrying feeling that overlays in everything I do. I'm so worried that bringing something into the house and letting myself touch surfaces will then in itself become contaminated.
I wish in some ways I could forget what I know. I've struggled with a number of things in life which has eaten away at my self esteem and its now to the point where it latched onto my OCD and I now can't even feel like I can wash my hands properly (let alone anything else in life).

[Gambit87]

Hi Highhopes!

I too have depression, anxiety and OCD, I can relate to what you go through.

I have to check things to make sure their off, doors locked, car is in park/brake is on etc. I also obsess over the fear of hurting myself and other people (obviously I would never do that in a billion years) and terrible intrusive thoughts. I used to hate myself and thought it would be better if I just became a hermit.

Its a vicious cycle isnt it?

Have you thought about seeing a psychologist? I've been able to recongnise that my ocd is driven by my anxieties and the less anxious I am, the less time I spend checking things and the fewer and less intense the intrusive thoughts are. Its hard work at first, but its worth it.

Youre not alone here!