Lost

[BillieJean]

Hi. I have posted before and found it helpful. I am posting because I am having trouble settling tonight. I just had my birthday and I am realising that all my choices that have lead me to this point have been wrong. I am 37 years and I have nothing. I have lived to please others, I push people away, I am in a job that causes me anxiety and all I want to do is have a purpose. I am so ashamed of myself and feel so overwhelmed that I can’t settle. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I just want to matter and be good at something. I am a complete loser. I have no reason to live and I am just taking up space and air. I am so worried. I am ashamed of my past mistakes. I wished I had done better. I wish I was not me. What am I going to do?

[Sophie_M]

Hey BillieJean,

We're really sorry to hear how overwhelmed and lost you're feeling right now, but please know that our caring community are here to help support you during this difficult time. You've shown so much strength in being so open and honest with your thoughts and feelings, and we'd urge you to keep reaching out, as support is always here for you. There will be many others reading who can relate to how you're feeling right now- please know that you never have to go through this alone. 

We think it would really help to be able to talk these feelings through with one of the friendly counsellors at the Beyond Blue Support Service on 1300 22 4636 who are available to provide support and advice 24/7. Our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) and Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467) are also there for you anytime, night or day, whenever things are feeling like too much to cope with. 

We're all here for you BillieJean, please feel free to keep us updated here on your thread with what you are feeling and experiencing whenever you feel ready to.
 

[BillieJean]

Thank you

[Croix]

Dear BillieJean~
I’d like to join Sophie_M in welcoming you to your new thread, I saw your posts in the other too. Sophie is very right about one thing, trying to deal with this all by yourself is the hardest way, the comfort of an understanding human voice does a lot.

The first thing I’d like to say is happy birthday and the year ahead, which you probably think – no way, he's a sarcastic twerp or has no idea. You can get surprised you know. None of us have a crystal ball and that might mean good, not just bad.

Thinking everything you have done has been the wrong choice is never right, so even if you are lonely and alone and ashamed you have explored the world and yourself, and come to some pretty insightful conclusions.

OK it may have taken heartache and bad circumstances to get there, that’s a price.

First You know that you need a purpose What that purpose is I don’t know, trying different things or examining what you feel strongly about may lead you to your purpose in your life. This something some people never realize and drift aimlessly all their lives.

Second you have nothing, do you really? you have the world around you and a chance for reflection. Your current state of mind has hidden all hope, which is not true

Living to please others is a way of life, true, however it is normally done without that deep realization of living to please yourself first, then others. This does not mean being selfish, it means acknowledging you have as many rights as anyone on this earth. And they need to be fulfilled and respected.

Your job, well sometimes an empty larder and a pile of service bills makes us take on jobs we would much rather not, ones that can be bad for us. Another way is obeying someone if they tell you that you have to do it. The discussion about this I’d like to leave for another time after you have had a chance to reply.

You take up as much air an space as I do, You are as entitled no matter what.You will find out the reason you re here in time. It took me more years than I care to remember.

Being ashamed of past deeds and choices is useful, examine them and see if in fact you did have a choice, and if you did, and it was a bad one recognize the signs and try not to make them again (yes, I know, sometimes that is not straightforward)

You are young, you have acquired much wisdom and can set out a plan for your future self and your future life.

I hope we talk some more, you are worth it.

Croix

[blondguy]

Hi BillieJean

I understand the feelings you are experiencing especially with feeling overwhelmed and sometimes isolated as well. Its wonderful that Sophie_M has provided her input above!

You are not alone here BillieJean...any anxiety is awful to have especially work related. I have friends that arent as strong as you are by posting on the forums. I used to feel the same as you do and it can be a horrible place to be in. My anxiety impacted my career and some people never responded to my concerns when I was stuck as they didnt understand how anxiety can effect our well being

The forums are a safe and non judgmental place for you to post. ...any questions are always welcome!

my kind thoughts

Paul

[BillieJean]

Thanks Croix for taking the time to reply to my rant. I appreciate that more then you realise.

I just feel like life is speeding up and I am just waking up to what I could of done better. I am lonely and ashamed of my choices.

I don’t have much material stuff and I feel useless. I always wanted a family and a home but it doesn’t seem to happen.

I just feel like I am waiting for that last beat of my heart so I can be at peace. I just want to hide but at the same time I want to be someone. I want to be confident and know the right things to say.

Trust me you wouldn’t want to know me. I make so many mistakes. I am to much in my head. I don’t keep people in my life very much.

I wish I had done better.

[BillieJean]

Thanks

[Croix]

Dear BillieJean~

No I do not trust you when you say that, I'm sure if I did know you, and got to understand how you were every time you made a choice you now regret I'd probably find I'd have made a few the same way myself. I'd want to know you and like any sensible person would not expect others to be fault free.

Your life is not yet half over, and the second half can be so rich reaping the wisdom and courage from the first half. I re-married in middle age and it is a blessing that has lasted 20+years.

In a way it does not matter the mistakes. Probably getting caught by the law, drugs and alcohol are the worst to overcome -but, especially with help - possible to defeat. Relationship problems are a learning device of their own.

Would you like to come back and say more, I don't want to guess what is tearing at you, it makes my replies too general -you are a unique person and deserve the best assistance we can give

Don't give up on a family if that is your true desire, you don't have a crystal ball any more than I did.

Is there anyone you can count as as family or friend at the moment you can share your burden with. You do not have to tell all, but even having someone prepare to listed and care is a big thing.

Croix

[Succulent Queen]

Hi BillieJean,
You sound real to me. I have and still do feel most of the thoughts & emotions you've described. Pretend conversation where you either have to be positive or be rejected is exhausting. When will we be able to openly have a bitch about how crap we feel without repelling others. I believe these types of real conversations have great potential to lead to laughter and act as good medicine. A bit of black humour over the ridiculousness of it all can be a fleeting cure for over thinking. Pushing people away can be a way of cutting straight to the rejection, it is for me anyway. May not be the same for you. At 37 you still have lots of time to kick off a life plan. Start simple and one little success leads to another slightly larger success. You have great insight and awareness into what's happening for you which means you can probably think your way out of it in those moments when it hits. Whilst you feel like a 'loser', remember that feelings are not facts. You avtually sound wiser than you think. Take care, keep posting.