Hey
I’m not sure whether this will get to anyone or whether there is someone out there that can guide me in some way or another, but this is my first step in acknowledging that although I seem okay to every person around me, I am very lost and sad inside.
I have a full time job, which I love. I know I love it because I spend most of the day smiling. I feel needed there, i am needed, and it is the happiest part of my day.
I come home (my family home) and I feel terrible, alone, sad, unwanted. For as long as I can remember, my mum has abused me and my dad whenever she can. She picks on things that I am self conscious and have issues with. She often makes fun of my issues with anxiety. More recently it has been making fun of my relationship with my boyfriend - making me feel like my relationship is worthless. For these reasons, every time I hear her voice it causes me a huge amount of anxiety. When I feel down I retreat to my bedroom. I then can hear her voice coming from upstairs and i am very afraid. If my mum abuses me one day, she may come home the next, and she will give me so much love. It confuses me. I force myself to forget what she has said or yelled at me, and show her love back. As long as I can remember it has been this way.
this has effected my relationship. whenever I have an issue with my boyfriend (of 5 years) we tend to neglect dealing with it and instead prefer to give each other space for a few days. In these days I often force myself to forget what it is that the issue was about, similar to how my mum has forced me to not think about her bad side.
I Hear her talking about me right now.
This has ultimately resulted in me feeling very lost. I could leave home but I am too scared of being alone in another house and what I could do to myself I was alone. I’m scared of what I am capable of.
I could move in with my boyfriend, but am afraid of if something goes wrong or if we fight, where would I go. Or retreat to.
I feel like I have no safe space where I feel protected and at peace.
The hardest part of this is, I don’t want to get better. I feel like I deserve pain
Any help would be appreciated, please
