Lost hope

[Craig22]

Hi all , new to the forum , the amount of strong people sharing their stories is amazing and makes me realise I'm not alone. I have suffered from depression for a number of years , normally I can manage it that no one even knows. When I leave the house i put on my mask and can only be myself when im alone. I just dont know why I am here or what the point of life is ? Like many others I just hope every night that I dont wake up , the torture to finally stop. I use many different tactics such as gym, meditation , healthy eating , music but nothing is helping .... How do you maintain a relationship when im like this ? My partner complains that Im distant , but i cant even get close to myself ? Any help is appreciated..

[ecomama]

Hello Craig and welcome to the forums. 

Yeah the good ole masking, relentlessly using strategies in attempts to pretend everything's A OK. 

Their efficacy runs out doesn't it? Hugs! 
I was most certainly "there" with Complex PTSD 2y ago. That's virtually healed now. I'd healed myself of depression. 

I'm super glad you've noted you use Meditation (and the gym, healthy food etc). 
I'm gonna throw a few names at you, since you have GREAT reflexes lol. 

Firstly with your partner, how about you watch "The Call to Courage", Brene Brown with her. It's on Netflix. I've watched it more than 100x and it's REALLY helped open up authentic communication with my partner. 

Meditations: Dr Joe Dispenza has marvellous HEALING clips on YouTube. His books are the bomb! Brene's book are too lol.

Listening to talks between Dr Joe, Brene and Tony Robbins on YT really helps us gain a better understanding of what being human is all about. AND healing ourselves and our relationships. 

Brene's stuff on "Men and shame" is remarkable. 

Have a squiz and let us know how you get on! 

YOU WILL HEAL. Nurturing yourself, being kind to yourself and changing things UP in the way we think about everything are parts of this journey. 

Best wishes! 
Love EM

[quirkywords]

Craig

welcome to the forum and thanks for being honest.
EM has given you some  useful resources. We are listening and you are not alone.

Many will read your post and nor comment but they relate to your words and they will feel less alone. 

[smallwolf]

Hello and welcome. 

I second the suggestion re Brene Brown. It hard to be open to your partner, especially when you sometimes don't know what to say. Or maybe you do and quite dark?

And while it sounds like your partner is complaining it also shows they care about you and think the world of you. And sometimes we have to move the mountain one small stone at a time. You are giving it a good go by posting here.

Is there anything that excites you?

I

[Craig22]

I will definitely looking into those suggestions , I only really opened up once and it was too much for her , so thank you for the support. Not really anything that excites me or makes me happy at all.  

[Craig22]

I have taken note of your suggestions and will be implementing them this week, im open to try anything at this stage. I really appreciate the support , it was hard to reach out but Im so glad I have ......thank you

[Craig22]

Thank you , yes I can see that from reading other peoples posts and my heart goes out to them and I can relate , but knowing how to respond can be difficult, thank you for responding

[Beaser]

Good on you Graig.  Thanks for sharing things.   I feel like we walk a similar path i can certainly relate to the waking up in the morning scenario. I would like to congratulate you for doing things like the gym, its something i dropped over covid and i just cant get back into it.   People like Ecomama have really been helpfull to me and her Brene Browne recommendations' are well worth listening too..    Here for you buddy and hope to talk more      Brett.  

[therising]

Hi Craig

I'm yet to find people who work harder on their mental well being than those who face mental health challenges. With all your efforts, you are an example of someone who puts their all into finding ways that could possibly work in feeling more of a connection to life.

For those who face the challenges that come with depression, I've found one of the most common traits to be that of the philosopher. As a gal who's faced both long term depression some years back as well as periods of depression since, I can relate to 2 significant questions posed by some of the greatest philosophical minds in history, 'What is the point of life?' and 'Why am I here?'. I've found the most relevant question I've ever asked myself throughout my history of depression is 'Who am I?', which strongly ties into those previous 2 questions. Perhaps the point of life is to find out who we truly are. Perhaps we are here for the purpose of becoming more conscious, graduating to greater and greater states of self awareness until we come to completely know or understand our self.

You speak about different facets of yourself - the gym goer, the meditator, the healthy diner, the music lover. If it's of any help to know, over time I've come to realise I serve the different facets of myself and those facets come to serve me. Figuring out how they work or why they they don't work at times can become a massive challenge. Might sound a bit foolish to some but I've found what tends to work for me (not always, btw) comes down to consciously channeling the part of myself I need the most at any given time. It's through that channel that I feel a connection to life. The emotional eater in us will feel what we're eating, at a joyful level. The gym goer in us may only feel fully alive when it's a high power or high energy session, as a opposed to a casual average paced session. The music lover in us has changing needs, based on the emotion that needs to be felt sometimes through the volume of music we're listening to (an exciting level energy through sound, which is intense enough to excite the cells in our body).

Do you know which facet or aspect of yourself you would love to come to know the most, for a start?

[Craig22]

Thanks mate really appreciate the reply , exercise and diet do play some part I feel and hope that you can get back in to it . I am going to try the suggestions, some very helpful replies on here Im sure it will help me moving forward . Looks like I have some homework to do ! Thanks again take care of yourself mate !