Lost hope

[Craig22]

Hi all , new to the forum , the amount of strong people sharing their stories is amazing and makes me realise I'm not alone. I have suffered from depression for a number of years , normally I can manage it that no one even knows. When I leave the house i put on my mask and can only be myself when im alone. I just dont know why I am here or what the point of life is ? Like many others I just hope every night that I dont wake up , the torture to finally stop. I use many different tactics such as gym, meditation , healthy eating , music but nothing is helping .... How do you maintain a relationship when im like this ? My partner complains that Im distant , but i cant even get close to myself ? Any help is appreciated..

[therising]

Hi Craig

Completely relatable. The greatest test comes at the toughest time. For example, so easy to meditate on channeling the sage in us when life's going well. The ultimate test comes down to focusing on and hearing that part of us within deeply depressing times. At such times, all I can typically hear is the critic in me or some other aspects that depress me in a number of ways.

While the ideal tools for meditation may involve a quiet back yard, a sunny day, no one home, no inner critic etc, what do you do when you can't access a back yard, it's a dark and rainy day, everyone's home and the inner critic is completely out of control? Sometimes, finding the right new recipe (combo of ingredients) can make a difference. Could look like...4am, in the lounge room, a specific breathing technique and the mantra 'Get the hell out of my head'. I've never actually tried that one. The thing about such a meditation (channeling the inner sage or whatever powers that be which people choose to meditate on/pray to)...don't always expect a lot. I find, at times, I can meditate for half and hour and get just one sentence, one single sentence, and it's enough to trigger me in a certain direction. For example, the sentence could be 'You're lost'. In this case, finding a guide is key. Could be 'You're exhausted, you need a break'. In this case, time off work may be a must. Could be 'You're not sleeping properly'. In this case, a sleep study could be the way to go, investigating what could be seriously debilitating. Could be 'This is not you'. In this case, the challenge comes down to gradually figuring out who you have become and why, as well as figuring out who you naturally are in the process. Or this, 'You can't keep living this way'. In depression, that's the truth. Finding new ways to live becomes the ultimate test. Even 'You're hopeless' can be a revelation. It implies we're without hope. So, why is no one leading us to feel hope? In this case, the people around us can come into question. Are they actively raising us or keeping their fingers crossed while waiting for us to 'snap out of it'?

A single sentence is a revelation. Can take days of on and off meditation (meditating on  questioning and wondering our way through a deeply depressing challenge) to finally get that one single sentence, that revelation.