Lost and overwhelmed

[Mrs Bones]

Hi all,

I don’t really know how to start this. Sorry if it gets a bit messy. 4 1/2 years ago, my still husband did a terrible thing (long story). I stayed, which is something I vowed I would never do. My problem is I can’t get over it. I’m always questioning: why wasn’t I good enough, why was I so stupid, why why why. We have seen psychologists and counsellors (everything gets put down to him having severe depression at the time). I don’t understand it though. I’ve suffered with depression most of my adult life, in varying degrees of severity, but I would never have hurt him like this. He doesn’t have the answers I do desperately need and I just don’t know what to do. I have 3 beautiful adult daughters, and 4 amazing grandchildren, my job is good, with great people, and I have a mostly supportive family network. BUT it doesn’t help. Some days I don’t want to come home, I don’t want to go to work, I don’t know what I want. I’m sorry for the longwinded , raving post, I just needed to get it out.

[JustFrank]

Hello Mrs Bones,

I'm not sure if I should comment but I wanted to say that I see you and I can relate to this. My trouble happened about 5 years ago too and even though we only lasted for another year after I found out I'm still asking those terribly painful questions today.

I do not have anything helpful to say but I suspect that part of our depression won't let us stop asking why we weren't good enough, even though it was the other who was not being good enough when it happened.

I hope you can start to see that you are better than good enough.

[Mrs Bones]

Thank you JustFrank. Just knowing there’s others out there feeling the same helps me to remember I’m not alone.

[Pumpkinella]

Hi Mrs Bones,

I'm sorry you are going through this, sound very difficult.

What did his action communicate to you? I notice you said that it made you feel stupid, it made you feel you weren't good enough and I am wondering is there a part of you that feels this way about yourself and his actions reaffirmed them in some way?

Is trust an issue now or is it more about how small his actions made you feel?

Feel free to chat about it.

I wonder if you are seeing a psychologist by yourself as well. Not everything should be worked out together as a couple because we all have our own demons that sometimes we need help battling without our partners presence.

Here to chat!

[Mrs Bones]

Hi Pumpkinella,

thank you for responding. Yes, I have always had self esteem issues. My biological father left when I was a baby, and never came back. It took me until my forties to finally gain confidence. I had a really good managerial job, our kids and grandkids, and , so I thought, a good family unit. Once that unit crashed to my feet, my confidence went with it. I have put on so much weight it’s not funny, and that just makes me dislike myself more. It’s a vicious circle. I smile on a day to day basis, and most people around me would never know what’s going on in my head. But then sometimes, like now, I just have a complete meltdown and wonder what I did to deserve this pain. I’m fairly confident in saying I’m a good person, I care about people (sometimes too much), and I don’t like hurting people to make myself feel better. I’ve made mistakes, I know I’m far from perfect, but in general, I do try to do the best things for everyone. Sorry, a lot of a response, it’s just a bit of a relief to let it out.

[Pumpkinella]

Hi Mrs Bones,

I’m really sorry to hear about your father, that must have been insanely tough

You are incredibly resilient to have gotten through that the way you have and still manage a family and career. I know it takes a lot of guts and a lot of work to do that. The fact that your pain has made you a compassionate and good person is also a sign of strength and resilience.

It’s hard because battling self-esteem issues can be a long one. I have very poor self-esteem and while I feel I definitely improved over time, something can trigger me off and its like I’ve gone back ten years again. Is that how you are feeling now?

It sounds like whatever your husband did would have hurt any wife and been a tough thing to face. If it helps you to talk - you mentioned that he doesn’t have the answers you desperately want to hear, did you feel like talking about what you wished he would say at all?

Or whatever else you feel like talking more about. It is good to get it out. I’m here to listen if you feel like chatting. 😊

[geoff]

Hello Mrs Bones, can we offer you a warm welcome to the site, and from what you've said, we could have our ideas of what actually happened, but whatever happened has torn you apart, and our deepest thoughts are with you.

It doesn't matter how the rest of your life is going, when something like this happens it can tear you apart and you begin to ask yourself questions that can't be answered, but firstly knowing that the trust you once believed you had in this marriage has suddenly been broken and wonder whether it can be repaired.

None of us are perfect, we all make mistakes, where some people want to accept it, while others deny it, but to attempt to build up this trust again, has to be shown, not once but countless times so we are able to once again regain this trust, and not only can this be done between the two of you, but also to sort out these problems with someone who is qualified as these concerns may go deeper than expected.

I do hope this is possible between the two of you and also with just yourself, we are here to help you.

Take care.

Geoff.