Lost and Hopeless

[Phoebe23]

I’ve only been on this earth for 19, nearly 20 y years. But with out a doubt, 2019 has been the worst year of my life. I’ve never been so depressed. I literally have no direction in life, no passions, no interests and I can’t help but compare my life to my friends and people around me.

The start of the year I was so happy, I went overseas met family members I didn’t even know existed had the time of my life. Was about to start my first year at uni when I got back. When I got back I had an overwhelming anxiety and ended up dropping out of uni after the first week. I couldn’t commit to it, as I didn’t know if it was the right path and I really wanted to be at uni to make my parents proud and I know going to uni will give me a better life.

After a gap year and then the following year (2019), dropping out I felt and still feel like a disappointment and failure. I can’t help it. I visited a GP (not my usual one, just a random clinic) told her about my concerns and I just didn’t connect with her she referred me to see a psychiatrist but I didn’t go.

For the past month, I’ve been trying to help myself with researching courses, degrees etc for next year because I really do want to study, but I have no idea what to study. But everything I read I either 100% don’t like it or if I have the slightest interest in it I over research it and read all the negatives of the chosen career and then completely disregard it.

My heart just feels so heavy and broken and each day is so hard to deal with. Even going to work is such a struggle now my boss wants me to start closing the store and I just don’t want to. I don’t feel capable or confident enough to do it but I don’t have a choice because it’s my only income and I’m only 19.

Life right now just really sucks and my biggest issue is my lack of belief in myself and lack of interest with life. I honestly don’t see any hope anymore with anything and it’s just so sad because I was such a happy girl and had the world in my hands and now I’m just broken and lost all faith in life.

[therising]

Hi Phoebe23

I once read a great quote in regard to career direction, 'Don't ask 'What do I want to do?' instead ask 'Who do I want to be?'' I believe, if we're not following our true nature then we face a life of conflict to some degree. Myself, I've always loved working in the care industry. Much earlier in my life, I vowed I'd never involve myself in further study after completing year 12 yet ended up in a 2 year TAFE course in my 30s because I loved the job I had at the time and wanted to learn more about it. Sometimes curiosity prompts us in the right direction, regarding our potential.

The holiday you experienced obviously opened up an entirely new world to you, which sounds exciting. You got to experience a whole new identity, which is exciting. I do understand the feelings that can sometimes be involved in returning from a holiday. Every year I take my mum and 2 teenagers away to a beautiful place packed with nature, outside of Lake's Entrance in Victoria. We've been doing this for about 8 years but this year the return home was more upsetting than ever and I couldn't quite understand why at first. A lot of folk said 'It's typical to feel a bit flat when we return from a holiday' but it was more than this. I eventually had my epiphany and it was found in the word 'return'.

When we've been away from the 'norm', what to we re-turn to (in coming back)? If you were to imagine yourself in the middle of home life and the holiday you've been on, which place would you prefer to turn to? Would you prefer to turn toward adventure, new experiences, personal evolution that felt natural or would you prefer to re-turn toward unnecessary stress, sameness and inner conflict. Re-turning to the latter can leave us feeling like we're facing the wrong direction and I believe we can really feel it on so many levels. Being a spiritual gal (of the non-religious variety), I believe 'spirit' basically involves our sense of connection to life. Returning from a highly energetic experience can sometimes leave us feeling a bit 'lifeless' and self-questioning. Again, it can be a matter of 'Who do I want to be, this person or that?'

In regard to closing up shop, holding that key in your hand can perhaps lead you to ask 'Is this the key to my personal evolution?' Does it allow this job to be a resource for adding more ventures to life (adventuring) or is it the key to knowing what you don't want to do?

How we identify/what we identify with can often help shape our identity.

🙂