Long time no see ayy - depression and loss

[DV_Arjay]

Well where do i start... cliche

I am here again which means im depressed again. Smoking and drinking every night.

I left oz to come to Africa to fix my depression to join my family. I then got a lot better and moved onto bigger things.

I spent a year in spain working as a teacher and had a great time.

However my time was cut short as i was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. Which turns out one of the symptoms is depression.

Apparently i have had this for a few years and one of the major symptoms arose and gave me double vision and blurry vision. Went for treatment and had it corrected but i am now taking 5 pills every morning and night to fight the symptoms.

Since i have come back to Africa and currently living in Zambia.

6 weeks later my father passed away at the age of 55 turning 56 in a couple months time... he had no prior medical issues and was the healthiest man i knew.

Now i am completely lost for words as i don't know what to do with my life.

We are currently deciding on returning back to oz and i have no idea what is there for me and for our future.

I spend nights awake until 2am and hoping my dad will walk through those doors in the morning, telling us that this is all a horrible joke to see how we would react.

But i know that he isnt coming back anymore because i watched him die on the golf course and when the doctors asked me to stop performing cpr as there is no hope.

I watched his arm fall off the bed lifeless in slowmotion. And its the only image in my head i see when i think of him. That and his smile 5 minutes before he had his heart attack.

I constantly think of how the doctor's could have done more. As i watch so many mesical shows. They could have used a defibrillator or maybe put him into a coma and solved the problem in SouthAfrica.

But we were 200km from the airport and that was just impossible.

I hate this country so much. It took my father from me and nearly killed my sister from poor doctors opinions.

He was a true Australian

Such a good man that helped people everyday. Life is not fair.

now i am supporting my family and trying to hold back the tears every day.

Cheers for reading

[Doolhof]

Hi DV Arjay,

So sorry to read of your father's sudden and unexpected death that you witnessed. It must have been an horrific time for you, especially so when you would have no doubt felt so useless and ineffective in the end when you tried to keep him alive.

It must be very hard being able to understand what happened to a man who sounds like he had no previous health issues.

Being diagnosed yourself with multiple sclerosis must be difficult to accept.

There has been a lot happening for you and your family.

Do you have any support where you are? Are there people who are able to advise you on your medical condition and how best to deal with the issues that arise from it?

Is it possible to reduce the amount of alcohol you are consuming? Would it help to write more about the grief you are feeling and your sense of loss which seems to be from many issues.

Trying to deal with all our issues at once can feel overwhelming which is understandable.

Hope you find some ways to deal with all you are experiencing.

All the best from Dools