Lost and empty

[charred]

Hi people. I'll try nutshell this as much as possible. 39 yr old male. Life has just become overwhelming, yet empty.
At a young age, my parents divorced, and my mum moved us far away from our dad. He was a great dad, and did nothing wrong, but due to this, hasnt been there since I was 12. My mother ending up moving again, I refused, and have been navigating life alone since I was 15.
I got into a toxic relationship, and having no support, I stayed, and also got married. After almost 15 years, it finally came to an end, but not before we had our son. Not seeing him everyday broke my heart. I had him every weekend, and I cherished him. He was a mini me, he was all I had. My ex then met someone 1000kms away and decided she wanted to take our son and move. I could have taken her to court and stopped her, but I didnt. I didnt want to drag my little boy through court. She lived with her family, and it was toxic. Even if I won, it meant i kept her trapped here, in a toxic situation, away from her new partner. I just wanted my son to be happy, and that means his mother needs to be stable and happy too. I reluctantly let her go, knowing she would be happy, he would be okay, and the only one who would suffer would be me.
And suffer I do. This happened almost 2 years ago, when my boy was 4. I ring every week. I send him gifts. I pay my child support and give extra for things like sport etc, even though i'm not very well off at all. I only get to see him 4 times a year now. I make the 2000km return trip, to spend school holidays with him. But it just breaks my heart. Last time we said goodbye, I could barely drive home, and cried for hundreds of kms.
I just feel like I failed, even though its not my fault. Im not a dad to him, even though I wanted to be. I'm not sucsessful, or rich, or even have a career. I rent an old farm house. I have old cars. I know that stuff isnt meant to be important, but everyone around is doing so much better.
I cant even do the free thing of showing my boy I love him, supporting him, teaching him. It was stripped from me, and its scarred me. I cant get over it. That i wont be important to him later in life. That he will feel like I wasnt there for him. That i wasnt there to help, teach and support him. That I miss out on all his milestones. It just breaks me over and over again, and I cant stop thinking about it.
Ive had depression for the last 10 years, and am on antidepressants. But lately, I just feel empty, hurt, and my soul is tired.

[Croix]

Dear Charred~

I'd like to welcome you here to the Forum. A good move on your part as you will see others who have faced the same sort of heart-breaking situation. Having peple that understand can be a real help.

You had the very best of motives for stepping to one side, and have nothing to reproach yourself about. Trying to give you son the best life possible was a noble act, and although you personally are the one who pays the most, the situation is as worth-while now as then.

Trying to be a dad when you have little money, live far away and only have infrequent times together cannot be the same as daily contact in a family environment. I'm sorry if that is a little blunt.

I guess trying to think what are the most important things and concentrating on them may ease some of the pressure and frustration. In the end to have a son regard me with love as he grows up would be the most important thing. Also perhaps to know that I am a stable and loving retreat if ever he should need one throughout his life.

How I'd do that I'm unsure, however you are tearing yourself to pieces trying to be everything a dad can be, and are constantly thinking about the situation, and as you say your soul seems empty.

Perhaps part of the answer may lie in the most effective medication and counseling, a matter for you to discuss with your doctor. It may not be enough by itself.

Perhaps also being part of a support group of those in similar situations, I'd suggest both ringing our 24/7 Help Line on 1300 22 4636 and asking what is available in your area. Also trying

https://www.blackdoginstitute.org.au/resources-support/support-groups/

Both may just be starting point for your own inquiries to find the right place. It is worth the effort not to be isolated and try to cope alone.

Is there anyone in your life you can lean on and gain support, brothers or sisters or a friend?

The other thing is to try to expand your own life. With depression that is difficult and the current situation continue to dominate your feelings, however even if you start small it may lead you to a fuller life.

Could you say what sort of things or peole have interested you or given you enjoyment in the past?

I hope you come back and say what you think

Croix

[smallwolf]

hi and welcome to the forum.

I don't think it would be an understatement to say your life has been challenging. Our experiences when we are young(er) can shape who we are at later stages in life.

I can also see in your post how much you care for and love your child. In a society that places importance on being successful, and while (from your posts) you have not reached this, by calling each week, providing for him, gifts etc shows how much you care - this is not the mark of a failure. It would be easy to say "I can't afford to ...." and here you are going above and beyond.

In relation to your medication. I have changed medication a few times. My dad has also. Is it possible the effectiveness of the medication is not what it used to be? Have you spoken with your GP or other professional about this? When I felt my medication was not working, I spoke with my psychiatrist about this and together worked out a path forward.

Lastly, and this item was also raised by Croix ... do you have anyone that you can speak to about what you are going through, your thoughts and feelings?

Peace and comforting thoughts, Tim

[charred]

Thankyou both for the replies. Actually I really appreciate the time you both took to reply.
I do have a partner, and she is great. She knows of my struggles, and I can talk openly with her.
About 3 weeks ago her dad passed away. He had a heart attack at home, we arrived before the ambulances, with her brother performing CPR, but he was gone. I've been very supportive, but it was traumatic for evryone. So ive tried to hold it together to not add any more burden to anyone.
My sister also suffers severe anxiety, panic attacks and depression, stemming from our childhood. Although she is very sucsessful, owning 3 houses and on a 6 figure income.
She had recently tried changing medications, and it sounded horrid. Mine used to work well, but yes recently, they dont seem to be doing much. I was self medicating, by drinking alot on and off, to numb the pain.
Id also go on wild adventures, 4wding, camping, fishing to remote places. My partner also loved this.
And although I do enjoy it, I feel both those things are simply a way to escape the pain.
Lately I waste time playing games on my phone, or simply sleeping. Anything to give my brain a rest so I dont have to feel the pain I do.
Everything just feels overwhelming lately. This coming weekend im about to do the 10hour drive to spend the week with him. we will have a great time, I know he loves his dad, but he is only 6. Once he is older, how he looks at me, who knows. I do know, after what ive gone through, I gained a massive perspective on what happened to my own father, and I feel so very sorry for him that it happened. We talk semi often, and he visits and stays now and then. But we never had that super close bond. I never learnt all the things most kids learned from their dads because he wasnt there, although not his fault. Its sadly ironic, how the same story is playing over.
Im really not sure how to shake this feeling. Having depression for some time, Im able to recognize when I am going downhill. So im not really close to either of my parents, both live far away. As does my sister. And I dont want to burden any of them or my partner.
I just put on a face to most people that everythings okay. But it can be very tiring, always pretending your okay when your not.
I know I cant change whats happened in the past. I know I have to just deal with it and make peace with it, but I just cant. My heart aches for my son, 2 years on. I dont want to feel the heartache anymore, and I dont know how to fix it.
 

[Croix]

Dear Charred~

Thanks for coming back and explaining in more detail, it helps in understanding you priorities and feelings.

While you are right I think, just at the moment with the death of your partner's dad, holding it all together is pretty important. That does not mean you never discuss anything with her to do wiht your problems, but concentrating on her will most probably help both of you. If she was close to him then it will be the biggest thing in her life for long time to come.

That being said sometimes helping others one cares about can mute one's own grief, and this may be the case with your partner once the practical details of the death are dealt with. She has a brother, who I'd expect to be very traumatized having to try CPR, has she a mum or other siblings that she needs to support too?

Even though you may not have been close to your dad I get the feeling you have a pretty comprehensive view of what a dad should be, and try your very hardest to live up to those desires. It's not a black and white situation though, I don't think one fails or succeeds totally as a parent, it is a question of doing the possible wiht love, and trying not to reproach yourself if you cannot do everything.

While it might be inappropriate this time does your partner accompany you other times to see your son? Sharing the load could be a help to you - and maybe make her feel more included too.

What do you think?

Medications are not an exact science as everyone is different, and have different circumstances that vary from time to time too. The result is that it is rarer for meds to remain static, and if you are finding your current regimen is not working then maybe it might be worth discussung this with your prescribing doctor.

I've had many change-overs over the years before getting to the right one which I am on now, and most of my transitions were not too bad. True there can be very difficult ones, I guess I've been quite lucky most of the time.Talking to your prescriber may help, certainly can't hurt.

You are lucky your partner likes the same sort of adventures you do, family means a lot to you and this all helps, as does being able to talk frankly. I find this is one of the greatest things my partner can give me.

As for fixing that ache - how about settling for reducing it over time? When my first wife passed away I was inconsolable, now there are good memories mixed in wiht the grief, I hope the same will be true for you about being a parent.

Croix

[smallwolf]

It seems that you are trying to be there for everyone except yourself. Being strong for your partner, sister, son etc. And perhaps putting everyone before yourself. Unfortunately, you it is hard to be strong for everyone unless you are (mentally) healthy at the same.

I might be telling you stuff you already know here.... with all the things you are juggling at the moment, have you put these items into a list in priority order so that you can tick things off one at a time?

Or are some of things that you are working through continuous events. For example, supporting partner with the death of father while you also have other things to manage as well.

Noticed you spoke in past tense about the adventuring activities. They are still worth while, perhaps more so now. Some people do meditation, or mindfulness exercises, go on walks etc. Being away from the places that might be stressful can be refreshing and helpful.

Lastly, do you do any sort of talk therapy?

[charred]

Well just completed the 2000km return drive to spend a week with my son. We both had a great time, even though we were right in the path of the cyclone in northern wa, but it was an adventure.
Spent quality time with him, he is only 6, but says stuff life " Me and you never get angry with each other do we dad?". I discipline him, but only seeing him for 1 week, during the school holidays, I cut him some slack.
I let him stay up, watch movies together, get us treats. He is almost always well behaved with me, yet my ex seems to make out how bad he is for her, although I understand she has him longer.
My partner has come on a trip with me before, and last xmas he came here and we all camped together with her 2 the same age, and had a ball.
But damn I just miss him. He said to me, I have told mum before that I want to live with you, and that maybe he can live 1 year with me, and 1 with mum.
That did cheer me up as I thought he forgot about me when I wasnt there. Although I would come across as a disneyland dad, and i did try to explain that if he lived with me, he would have the same bedtimes and routines etc. But I didnt push the subject at all, and it was more of a statement from him than a question.
My ex also said the same thing, and said sometimes she feels like sending him down to me when he is upsetting her.
All a bit full on, cyclone ( a roof got ripped off and went through our chalet) and everything that he said.
But he is right. We are very simmilar, and we get along very well, like friends. his mother has a temper and no patience, and that must suck for him. Ive obviously got alot of time for him, and go out of my way for him, and he see's this.
I'm still left feeling like he wishes I was around, which makes it worse. And I wonder if his behaviour up there is subconsciously because he misses me?
I dont really know what Im asking....There were some answers from my trip, but then also some new questions...

[smallwolf]

It sounds like you and your son have quite a good relationship. And it is nice the things he said to you.

And where there is a good father/son relationship, I think son would miss their father and relish the times they have together.

There can also be be negative thoughts. I will not speculate here and if you did a google search for something like "effect of divorce on children" you will find a lot of answers and not all of these will apply to you. Some might. One thing you could do is educate yourself in this area. And if necessary talk to him?

On the new questions.... these can be things for reflection. You could work it out yourself, or chat here, or with your partner or a professional. There are perhaps no wrong answers. You are doing the best you can and that is all that can be asked of you.

[Croix]

Dear Charred~

I know you miss your son terribly and treasure the brief times you have together.

It is only natural you worry about your father-son relationship and do not want to be a 'Disney dad', someone always with a basket of goodies and no demands.

I can't see you behaving that way, true in your own eyes you tend to spoil him, up late, enjoy movies and treats together. This is 'quality time', not a phase I'm that keen on but it does the job

Quality time is also both of you doing the chores together and as well letting him take suitable chores on by himself. You end up with a balance, the fun and the real, and I think you are a person that can achieve this, almost by instinct. you have certainly pondered the matter.

The time together is not necessarily measured by clock or calendar, but by interaction, the impression of you, your character and your patience.

I hope time and custody becomes more equal and fairer, but even if it does not you are laying a wonderful groundwork for future years.

With all of this it can be easy to neglect your own life, simply focusing on this one thing. You too need balance in your life, companionship and love. Please do not lose sight of this, you have more to give than just to your son.

Croix