Lost and confused

Lambie · ‎29-12-2014

What a crap day - a day I sit here and write about at midnight when once again I am wide awake. I am trying to make decisions - whether to live or die. I think the world will be a better place without me but then a small part of me wants to live, wants to keep going but it is such a lonely trail - one that so many do not understand or even try to understand. Me, well now I have a new understanding of what depression feels like, I will never, and I mean NEVER scoff at someone who says they are depressed again. I now have an idea at how dark their hole must feel, at how different each hole must be in darkness, depth and in despair as it can change day to day. I now know what it feels like to be at the end with little if anything to look forward to. Once such a strong person, always in control, successful and respected - that has now all gone. Each morning as I struggle to wake, my body does not respond, hands and feet are puffy and my mind an empty space full of fog. . Your eyes refuse to focus and I find myself having to wear my glasses continuously. I stumble to the bathroom, mouth dry wondering what today will bring and how I will face it with only 2-3 hours sleep. I must say I have (or HAD) a lovely dr. She seemed to understand and I felt like I could be me with her. She guided me and made decisions for me that I could not make. But now I am faced with a new Dr, one I do not know and who will probably send me off to the mental home. If they have not gone on this journey with me then how do they know. My psychologist, lovely too, but when I hear her say 'it is just a job' about my work, I wonder if I am 'just a job' or a number too. I want to tell her I have a plan when she asks but am too afraid and I sit in silence, she will know what I am talking about. I wonder if she noticed I had been self-harming at our last appt. I have been thinking about suicide a lot. I take medication 3 x a day - I take and wait for it to work, they are suppose to stop the panic attacks but as I lie here I feel no effect at all. They changed my dose of medication too - it makes me tired, useless, out of control and now extreme anger. And that is what made my day so bad.

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Zeal · ‎29-12-2014

Hi Lambie,

It takes great courage to post about your personal journey, so well done. You seem to have good insight into how you feel, and your situation. The fact that a small part of you wants to live and keep going means you do have the ability to be strong and to stay alive and keep pushing through. It's great that you also feel deep empathy for others who are depressed. I had mild ongoing depression in my teens, so I can partially relate to the darkness that is clinical depression.

Insomnia is terrible - I experienced it last night, though not to the extent that you seem to. 2-3 hours is certainly not enough sleep - I am amazed you are able to function during the day. Try not to be too hard on yourself, as it is not your fault you can't sleep. The thing with sleep is that trying harder to sleep or to fall asleep doesn't make it happen. Sleep can be unpredictable. You could try doing a "sleep study" - ask your GP about it. I did it over a year ago. It isn't cheap, but it may be worth it for you.

Feel free to keep posting on Beyond blue. There are always people here to read posts and to reply. Keep going. If you are unable to handle work like you used to, try talking to your employer about it. If you are intimidated about telling your boss, you could confide in a trusted work colleague, so that you feel there is someone in your workplace who can empathise with you.

You talk about feeling alone. Do you mean you feel that your journey through depression is lonely, or you are lonely in general? People who treat you poorly because you have depression are insensitive, or perhaps they just can't understand. Family is so important when it comes to getting through mental illness. If you have siblings, try to call them or see them more often. Make it clear you want to do your best to be there for them too. Sometimes people can feel drained and overwhelmed when trying to support and be there for someone with depression. Even people who really care about you may struggle. Hopefully you can find support.

Good luck with everything, and draw on your inner strength, the part of you that wants to keep on living.

Best wishes,

SM

Lambie · ‎29-12-2014

Thanks for the message of support. Unfortunately I am a single mum and have no family here for support. Most of my friends are either away or staying away. So life is pretty tough with medical team also on holiday. I seem to be averaging 3 to 4 hours sleep and I know that does not help either. Feeling quite down today again and I can only hope it gets better.

thanks again for replying - means a lot to think that someone might care!

lambie

Zeal · ‎23-01-2015

Hi Lambie,

Sorry for the delay in responding. This forum can get so busy, and keeping track of things can be hard! I hope things have improved at least a little for you. Trust me, there are always going to be people who care, it's human nature 🙂

White_Rose · ‎26-01-2015

Hello Lambie

Welcome to Beyond Blue. I must apologise for not responding to you earlier. Somehow I missed your post. Thank you for telling us your story. As SM said, it can be hard and you have made a positive step in writing here.

It is always difficult when one of your health team leaves. The trust built up between you and the GP has contributed to your health and well-being and now I expect you feel lost. You cannot predict how the new GP will will interact with you, so perhaps you could tell her your fears. She will have her predecessor's notes to guide her while you get to know each other. It's also quite probable that your 'old' GP will have brought her up to speed.

But no matter what the back story, both you and the new GP will have to get to know each other.and learn how to work together. I suggest that you be as open with her as you were with the previous doctor. Doctor's do not simply send their patients to hospital, especially when there has been no past reason. I have sat in my doctor's room and cried and said I no longer wanted to live and all the stuff you describe above. She talked to me about the realities of life. No platitudes or threats of hospital. Gave me some coping mechanisms and told me to come back in a week.

The knowledge that I could return soon really helped me hang on. I believe she wanted to help me and cared about my future.

I also saw a psychologist and said something similar. He asked if I had a plan and like you I did not reply. He left me to sit in his room and rest. It was a safe place and I began to relax and feel better.

On another occasion we discussed our relationship and he said something similar to your psych.He does not allow himself to be emotionally involved with his clients. This is a protective measure as psychs see too many people to carry all their burdens. They need to maintain some distance, partly to retain their own mental health and partly to retain an objective perspective of the client. It does not mean they do not care or see you just as a number or just another client.

I found that difficult to understand for some time but now I think I have got it.

I understand how hard it can be without support, especially when you have children to care for. May I ask how many children you have? Depending on the age of your child(ren), is there a local playgroup you can join? It's good that children can meet other kids and moms can talk.

Running out of word allowance. Please write in again.

Mary