Confused about love due to depression

[LewisJ]

Hi All,

 I will be brief although I could go on for ever as most of you probably know when you ask yourself one question more and more begin to fill your mind.

 I have had chronic depression for roughly six years however it was only diagnosed the past 6 months. The diagnosis was a huge relief as it explained why I felt the way I do and overall I am really positive about my future. However the one thing I am very confused about is the effect that my depression has had on my relationship with my now ex girlfriend.

Our relationship has been a pretty volatile one and involved long distance. I broke up with her and she made many attempts to win me back but in the end we parted ways on good terms shortly before I finally went to the doctor, found a psychologist and was diagnosed with depression.  Now looking back on or time together its clear that a lot of the problem was my behaviour however I am smart enough to see she was also at times less than awesome. But its hard to see whether I really don't want to be with her or if I pushed her away because it seemed all too hard.

Now I just see saw between regret and a massive desire to win her back and then doubt because I still don't trust my judgement and I don't want to confuse her or waste her time.

I was just wondering if anyone has found themselves in this situation and if they lost that person how they came to terms with it. Or if they went for it and it worked out and how it worked out.

Thanks 🙂 Lew

[Neil_1]

Hi there Lew

Welcome to Beyond Blue.  (Hey, that rhymes! 🙂  🙂   Excuse me for my weird sense of humour - as they small things amuse small minds.

Thanx for coming here and sharing your post.

Reading through your post a couple of times, I honestly think that the right decision has been made.  Words that bounded out to me were things like:  "long distance", "less than awesome", and "pretty volatile one", and yes, while your depression (although, not known at that stage, but you still had it) would have been a bit of a factor in it, there just seemed to be other evidence that suggests that it might not have been the way to go.   But hey, these are just my thoughts on this.

I'm wondering how long ago the break up was?   How long were you going out for?  And how long was the relationship under the realm of being long distance?

But out of your post Lew, I see some very good signs.  Not the least of all is how you write and express yourself;  but you also said that you feel very positive about your future and you know, that kind of attitude needs bottling and keeping.  That IS awesome.   Just diverting from your query about the relationship for a moment.

Now you don't need to do this on this site;  but something to perhaps try in your own home and privacy, is to type or write down, say how you felt "a month ago";  then how you feel "now".  And then try to type down what or how you think your future is looking or what you would like to see yourself doing;  or simply, how you think your future will be positive?   Then put it away somewhere safe. 

Then, just on the 'off chance' that at some stage in your future;  be it immediate or long term and you begin to have doubts or you feel not so flash;  go to that piece of writing and re-read;  so as a confirmation to yourself that you ARE good, you ARE awesome and that you ARE going to have a great and positive future.

Back to the relationship;   as I asked above, just wondering how long the break has been at this time and whether any contact has been made since that break was made?  If it's been a little while now and no contact has been made, I would be doing everything in my power to keep that continuing.  The hardest part is always the commencement of the breakup;  and I tell you, it DOES ease as time goes by.

I've rambled a bit here, but hope there was something that was useful.  And would love to hear back from you.

Neil

[Ant76]

Hi Lewis just want you to know I'm in the same boat long distance relationship forced due to working away from home. Crazy isolation where I work and pressure at work. Feeling like ive got the money yet have slipped in terms of my ability to cope, relationship of 6 years over as of 7 days ago. Feeling many levels of confusion and can empathize.

Respect that you have the strength to communicate with others. Only advice on the topic is relationships are personal to the people in them, you know her she knows you. Don't be harsh on yourself we are all learning in this life, and anyway it goes it will be best for you. If you want to try again with your girl do it yet be prepared to take the risk for either positive or negative, your the only one who can control you and she is the only one that can control herself. If all is positive and you guys can enjoy some fun times go for it, if not may be time to explore new things in your life.

Ant   

[LewisJ]

Hey Neil,

Thanks for the reply. Don't worry about the rambling and the strange jokes I appreciated it all. It has been around 6 months since we broke it off completely.  It was kinda concurrent with my depression bottoming out and me finally going to the doctor.  We have been on and off for seven years and long distance for bit and peices of that so it has been probably half and half. We are still in contact mostly because the nature of the breakup was reasonably amicable so it didn't feel like we needed to just cut each other out. Especially since we wonder how the other is.

Since I sent that first post however some things have happened which have galvanised my decision.  Just aspects of her lifestyle really show that she isn't necessarily a healthy influence. She has her fair share of issues but isn't as focused on improving them as I am.  So between that and your message, some soul searching and a great Australia day long weekend I feel more confident about my decision... For the time being. I know its all a ying yang and I'll have some doubts again sometime soon.

Thank you for your supportive words and I plan to do what you said with the note to myself .  It can be one of my daily journal entries.  Also I have noticed that you are very active on this site so many thanks for doing that.  I am quite sure that your advice and kindness helps people like myself every day.

Cheers, Lew

[Neil_1]

Hi there Lew

Thanx so much for your very kind reply back and especially your kind words – I really appreciate that.

I’m very pleased to hear that at least some of what I wrote made sense and was useful.   I’m also very interested to read that you mentioned about writing in your daily journal entries.    Is that like a diary kind of system?    Because I do this, though I’ve never written the words, Dear Diary (insert giggle here).   But yes, every evening I sit down and I write down what I did that day;   any special experiences or events;   basically anything of interest that happened in my day;  or my children if they did something, etc etc;  all that kind of thing.  It’s especially great for reading back over the years, in particular with past holidays;   as we can get out the photos we took and I can kind of read away to the fam and the photos can sometimes match up.  J    Be interesting to hear if yours is a similar style?

With regard to how you’re going and that you’ve received further positive affirmation about your decision;  not sure if you’ve been doing this already, but trying to get out and doing things that you enjoy will be something to try and do (if you feel up to it or ok to do that).  Getting involved with your hobbies, interests or sports kind of things;  to help you get out and about while doing something that you enjoy.

Kind regards

Neil

[zailleh]

Hi Lewis, welcome to the Beyond Blue forums.

I have to say I can't relate directly to your situation having not been in a long-distance relationship for many years. I can say, from my experience, however, that is of the utmost importance that you take care of yourself first before making any decisions to be in a relationship with someone again.

Having depression in a relationship -- I've been in a relationship with my partner for 6 years, enaged for a year and a half, and I've been depressed the whole time without knowing it  -- can create many dramas and, in some ways, make your own situation worse.

For example, in my circumstances, I've almost lost my entire identity and exist as a part of my partner; clearly this isn't healthy. This has come about because I didn't have any strong desires of my own to do anything so I always went along with what my partner wanted.

At the same time, I've dragged my partner down; I've held her back from going out and socialising because I don't want to go, I've prevented her from going things because at the last minute I'd back out and not want to go anymore. I've filled her with resentment because of the behaviours she's had to modify to avoid setting me off. 

In the end, we're not very happy as a couple at the moment, despite loving each other very much. It's clear to me that the only way we can be happy together, and in your case the only way you can be sure if you want to go back to your ex, is to solidify your inner self first. What is it that you want? What makes you happy? What will you do no matter what? Will being together worsen your depression? Does the relationship encourage unhelpful behaviours? Are you able to talk openly about depression and the behaviours that are unhelpful?

To summarise my message; take your time and don't make those kind decisions until you've got your depression under control. Try to be happy first, then invite someone else into your life.

I hope my perspective helps, even if it may not apply to you.


Cheers,
Zailleh