Lost and confused

[Jilly]

I am new to this site, but am glad I found it, it is a chance to connect with people who know what I feel and wont treat me as though they are sick of my whinging. Well I hope not. I am 46 years old. It seems I have spent most of my life pretending everything is great. but about 4 years ago I couldnt do it anymore, I lost the ability to pretend anymore, it seems I had no control anymore. You see when I was a teenager I was physically abused by my older brother who I loved alot. He also sexually humiliated me in front of other boys. Alot happened. I left home at 17, as soon as I got enough money I was gone. Then after years of travelling around avoiding home, I finally came home and stayed. I just carried on as though nothing had happened. I got on with life. Then just over 4 years ago I began to have memories coming back all the time, they where always there but this time they seemed to take over my days and nights, becoming clearer and clearer. I woke up one day in the hospital, I had experienced a seizure apparantly. From that moment on I continued to have all sorts of seizures, some they say perhaps are psycogenic non-epileptic. When I had these particular moments I would feel a terror come over me, and a strong sense of what my brother had done. Sounds weird I know, but apparantly during these I look incredibly scared. My brother and I had a talk about this and I expressed how I feel about him and how I had spent my life pretending and feeling guilty if I brought our experience up. Secretly over the years everytime something bad happened to him in his life I would feel a sense of joy, then guilt because I felt that. It was an awful way to live. But I managed to have 2 kids, marry and finish a degree in nursing. Sadly my career is over due to the depression, seizures and medication side effects. I lost my drivers licence, I lost my independence, I became angry with my mother and only started talking again about 6 months ago after 4 years. I have not spoken to my brother since our confrontation. He has not bothered to contact me at all. I ended up in a psychiatric ward as I was about to take my life, unable to cope with the memories and the losses. I was also diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, anxiety, of course depression, PTSD, major depressive disorder, and now colitis and of course epilepsy. Due to loss of income we lost our home, now recently my marriage broke down and I live on my own with my 16 year old son staying part-time. My daughter (21) is living out of home. I have isolated myself so much that I have lost many friends. I stay home alot and at times cant handle being around people. I avoid phone calls. I avoid life. I feel guilty because I know there are so many others out there with far worse than me. I am angry with my mother, and my siblings. I have lost so much I feel my brother needs to pay somehow for my losses. He is happy, he his working and holidaying with the family, he has not bothered to attempt to make amends despite me writing to him twice to explain how I feel. I was told the other day by my step-father perhaps I should go away and stay somewhere so I can get help for a while. I would like to but cant afford it. I have been asked many times do I want to pursue a civil case against him, considering my losses. I am confused. I am scared. I am lost. What do others think? Should I pursue this case and use it to get proper treatment? Well thats off my chest...always good isnt it? Thank you for reading my story so far.

[ConfusedKady]

Hi Jilly

I can relate to the way you are feeling, the confusion, the worry. 

My only advice would be not to give up on life. You sound like you are in a bad place, but I've recently thought to myself that life isn't going to wait for me to get back up on my feet, and everybody deserves to be happy. Sometimes you just have to be your own best friend. I.e what would you tell your best friend if they were in your shoes? Surely you would encourage her to get back out there? To continue to do things she enjoys? To fight for your happiness?

Also, I have struggled with resentment, I.e how can I forgive someone unless they truly understand how they have made me feel, and shown remorse. This seems to be similar with your feelings towards your brother. But remember that resentment hurts you more than it hurts him and he may never comprehend the effects of his actions. Ongoing counselling may help you come to terms with this? 

Goodluck. 

[S_A_D_]

regardless of how many ailments we have, there is so much more we can give, and be appreciated for. Focus on the good you can do despite your condition, and not on the things you can't do because of them. You have the power to change your mind about yourself. Do you have the will?