Lost and confused.

[jman26]

The title says it all, I'm at a crossroad in life or some might also say a quarter life crisis.


Up until about 4 years ago I was a very happy person. I had a great social life, girlfriend, travelled a lot and was essentially completely different.


I travelled around the world for 12 months and moved to the big city when I returned.


Since then I was lucky enough to land a high paying job as a truck driver. After discovering personal finance and self development I made it a goal to try and build wealth, that hasn't worked out how I thought it would.


3.5 years later of saving 80%+ of my earnings, I've reached a point where my anxiety to spend money is drastic. My connections with friends and family have diminished due to being too frugal and my last girlfriend ended up leaving me.


Alongside this, I also decided to get into shape. I've achieved what some might say is a decent physique but that's not all. I thought this would make me confident but it's done the opposite. My insecurities are through the roof and my self esteem is at an all time low as I'm never happy with how I look.


This has been going on for years now. I haven't had even as much as a verbal connection with a girl for 6+ months, my job isn't gratifying (I receive abuse from drivers all day for delivering them food, go figure) and the thought of knowing that this could be the rest of my life scares me.


With all these combined I've found myself at a crossroad where I'm asking myself if this is really all worth it. I don't find joy or pleasure in anything anymore and I feel like all of the advice society gives (get in shape, get financially secure, succeed etc) just isn't for me.


Surely there has to be another way to live than spending 6 days/70 hours a week working, saving everything I earn and torturing my body with exercise I don't even enjoy and eating bland food I don't enjoy just to have a physique that brings a tonne of insecurities?


To end this I guess my question is, have you been here before and gotten out of it? Any advice I receive (i.e work hard, set goals, save money, be disciplined etc) hasn't worked as it's what has gotten me here in the first place.

Thanks for listening.

[Croix]

Dear Jman26~

Welcome to the Forum. Trying to get the right goals in life can be pretty hard, and sometimes it really is not possible to see outcomes until one has tried.

You are quite right of course, this way of doing things has not worked. It does show you are a disciplined sort of person and can keep on going when you make your mind up, but in this case a re-think is wise.

There has to be some sort of middle road, when you do not spend like mad, but don't scrimp either. The same applies to exercise, a lot of people can keep healthy with only a moderate amount. Life has to be worth living in the meantime. Many things are like excessive diet, you go on for so long than end up falling off the diet and are worse than before. I went on one, had my clothes altered when I'd lost weight, then put the weight back on. No clothes plus a sense of failure 😞

It may be different if you met a partner and you both decided there was a goal you both wanted to achieve, but that's something for the future.

If it was me I'd go see my GP about the anxiety. Book a long appointment and say exactly how you feel and what has been happening. I found that medical support was really necessary for me to get better.

Do you have a plan for a more moderate lifestyle, maybe with a bit less work? 6 dpw is a bit hard to sustain for a long time.

Croix

[jman26]

Hi Croix,

Thanks for the reply.

I'm unsure where to find a middle road. A little retail therapy does help but only temporarily. I had a partner who cheated on me after a few months which hurt but I've managed to get over that.

As far as what to do, I have goals, only none of them involve working. I have dreams to live, train and fight Muay Thai in Thailand, to surf the coast of Indonesia, to ride a motorcycle around India, to go spend time with a Shaman in the amazon and to go on a long distance hike.

None of these include working at all and most people scuff at these goals, as they come across as 'running from my problems' but I think it's time I live my life how I want to, and not how society wants, and do them.

I have been thinking of undergoing a writing & photography course to document the adventures and make money selling books & art from them but it's a pipe dream for now.

A few months ago I saw my GP and he gave me the clearance to see a psychologist but due to shame and embarrassment I never went. I suppose now would be a good time.

I spoke to my boss today and have managed to cut down to 4 days a week, the pay cut will hurt a little, but I think having more time for myself will benefit me more than a few dollars.

[Croix]

Dear Jman26~

Thanks for coming back and saying more. I think you are finding the middle road already, cutting down your hours, and thinking in terms of more medical . Obviously there is some trial and error, and it won't all happen at once, but you are getting there.

I would imagine a course in photography and one in writing are worth while ventures in their own right, a new and interesting area, each of which develops skills and allows a new ability. Sounds pretty good.

All those long term goals are very worthy ones, and true while you are doing them you may not work, however preparation will take a fair number of resources, so both work and personal quests can be a part of life and fit neatly together.

Croix

[jman26]

Thanks Croix.

I've been researching courses tonight so hope to find one tomorrow.

I think it might be a good idea to drop bodybuilding and focus on my sport (Muay Thai). The insecurities and guilt that comes from missing meals and petty things in bodybuilding don't aid any happiness, plus it's extremely lonely.