Lost and Alone

[Susan83]

This is my first time posting here... So I thought I would tell my story.... Sorry if its long I haven't really shared it with anyone.

I have been in a very dark place for about a year now... slowly progressing and getting darker....

It started when my youngest of two children started big school.  It was one of the worse days of my life, I use to come home and cry for hours.  I felt like my baby had been taken away and there was nothing I could do about it.

About a month later I got a job working school hours and I thought it was my saviour.  Something to keep me busy while my kids were at school....

In August my Grandmother (G) who I was very close with passed away.... She was 89, didn't want to be here, just wanted to be with my Grandad, the love of her life....  She just had to wait to die... I know that she didn't want to be here... I know that she is happier now.... BUT ITS STILL HARD.... Harder than I ever imagined it would be... I don't know how to make it better and I don't know how to think about her without feeling sooooooo sad 😞

I have thought many a times about killing myself and getting away from the pain.. I have researched different methods and then I have also researched "failed attempts" in an effort to find the foul proof way.  I have even once tried to do it but people were in the way.

In the last week my husband has been on holidays and caught me a few times crying in the shower... I start thinking about something and work myself into a big mess and feel useless.  My kids are getting more independent they don't depend on me entirely anymore.....  just all little stuff.... I end up getting so down I don't want anything except to kill myself.  I don't feel worthy of getting help like lifeline or anything like this.... I honestly feel like everyone would be better off without me.

When I become the unrepressed me I can see how bad my thoughts are and how easy I will leave my life once I find the right way...  A few days ago I had a HUGE talk with my husband and told me all the things that have been getting me down and I went to my GP for help.  He is going to organise some counselling and my husband has suggested I look at ways to overcome it rather than how to end life.. Which has brought me here....

He also suggested that I talk to my mum.... Another thing that has been getting me down is that my mum doesn't have time for me.  My sister is pregnant and my mum says she has to be there all the time incase she goes into labour (she only lives 10minutes away from me)  This has been getting me really worked up since I made the decision to get help because I would really like to talk to mum about it.  It was her mother that passed and she knows how close I was to her....

Tonight I decided to stop working myself up over it and ask her to come over one night next week,  I couldn't ask her in person as the decline will really upset me....  I sent her a text, I asked her to come over wednesday night, I said if she can't then just ignore my text.... I haven't heard anything yet.

It makes me feel so unworthly and unloved.... I know that sounds selfish....My parent live on a yacht and I had my two kids without my mum even being in the country.... When you go into labour you know a good hour or more before you have to go to hospital... I don't understand why she can't come here and then if my sister calls she can go home to her place....

I have lost both my grandfathers two aunts and a cousin and none of them have been as hard as loosing my G.... I just can't seem to find a way out....

[beyondblue_Online_Communi]

We are writing to you now as we want to let you know that we are here to support you. You can contact the beyond blue helpline at any time on 1300 22 4636 in order to chat. The helpline is there if you are feeling suicidal and need to talk. they can also support you with finding out about services. It's great though that you have gone to see your GP, this is definitely a big step.

Grief can be a very difficult experience. It is not uncommon that when people are grieving they can also experience depressive symptoms. This can even mean that suicidal thoughts become present. Your husband sounds like he is supportive and we are glad that he suggested that you focus on overcoming the symptoms. This is definitely possible with the right treatment and support. 

We hope that you stay in touch and let us know how you are going and that you get the right treatment to help with your symptoms at the moment.
take care,

[Susan83]

UPDATE

I heard back from my mum...

She said she would "rather not" come over and if i wanted to tell her something I should just tell her over the phone as she needed to be close to my sister just in case.

BLAH BLAH BLAH

I shouldn't have bothered asking 😞 😞 😞

[Neil_1]

Hi Susan

You’ve done a really positive thing in coming to Beyond Blue and it’s been great that they’ve given you a post back and offered some helpful advice. I can relate to how you’re feeling … and believe me Susan it IS difficult.  What you’re going through is so real … and for you at this very moment it is so brutally raw as well, as it hasn’t even been 6 months since you lost your Grandmother.

The following is an excerpt from a post that I actually only placed on the Depression forum yesterday …

“Just over the last couple of days, what I think I’m realising is that I’m still in heavy mourning and still overcome with grief from the loss of my brother and my Dad.  And it’s a long time to be coping with this … 1991 for my bro and 2007 for my Dad.  But I kind of feel like why should I be happy when they’re no longer here.  I feel that why should I get any enjoyment out of anything;  cause Dad and my bro aren’t here anymore to enjoy such things.  Even more so for my brother, cause he was just 29 when I lost him.  But yeah, it’s sometimes like it’s in the days after the funeral, where everyone else is getting on with their lives and I think, “to hell with that … I can’t and won’t live properly – I’m going to continue to feel sad, because I have too.  No one else does this, f**k everyone else, I’m going to feel sad for them forever and I’ll show it to everyone”.

 I then followed up a bit further on (yes, I have a penchant for creating long posts – sorry about that) with this:

“You know, I’m on here every day and I reply to all sorts of different folks … wonderful folks … but all the time, you’re hearing these posts from someone who is among their lowest ebbs in life.  I can’t do anything to end my life … I couldn’t and won’t do that to my beautiful family.  For as much torture and hell that I live through every day, if I did that, it would destroy them.  For anyone else who might be reading this … if you’re at that particular way of thinking … please think of the people you’d be hurting so badly who would be left.  I know we have these thoughts and how nice it’d be to not wake up again, but we can’t do this.  I’ve mentioned that we have the demons, the torture, the living hell inside our minds every day … but there’s nothing for it … “

Susan I’m hearing you loud and clear with what’s happening with you and I feel so much for you.  You have concerned me so much with the amount of references you’ve made towards ending your life. 

I don’t want to sound cruel here, but think right now (and for how you’ve been for this past 5 months) for how low, and incredibly gutted and sad you’ve been since your Grandmother passed away.  Now if you were to do something unthinkable to yourself, you can then replace yourself with your husband, your kids, the rest of your family (yes, the rest of your family would be gutted also), all the friends that you have, acquaintances that you know and people who see you from time to time … the wider effects of this would be monumental. 

There is a way through this … and it is NOT easy … but you’ve made the first step and on some many occasions that is the longest stride to take.  You’ve actually made two steps … by coming here and sharing your story as well as going to your GP.

Susan, I want to write more, but I don’t want you to nod off either … as my posts do tend to get lengthy … but I do want to try and work with you here and to see if we can help you through this phase, just a little.

I haven’t mentioned your mother in this post … but I can try and cover that later.

Just want you to know now that I’m thinking of you and hope that you can post again as soon as you feel able to.

Please please stay with us … please make a pact with either your husband or your GP, that if are feeling at your lowest ebb and wanting to end it, you HAVE to call either one of them.  Or the hotline here.  Please.

Kind regards

Neil