losing my mind?

[hobbitmomma]

ok here goes I am hoping that by writing this down it will all become either much clearer or just disappear into thin air - don't hold out much hope of either happening. I am off work due to stress caused by the attitude of my manageress, fighting what appears to be an endless battle with workcover, 12000 miles from my family, live in a very remote outback town in south australia, live by myself and am feeling so low it hurts.  I cannot see a way out of the mess my life is in right now - and I don't think anyone realises how bad it has become.  My days seem endless - not just boring but pointless, I cry for no reason, feel suicidal a lot of the time, only am too scared to do anything about it - that seems really stupid I know but it is how i feel.  Most of the time I feel l am going crazy by degrees - I have had panic attacks when out and am now too scared to do that unless I have someone with me - that is not always possible so I tend to stay in a lot.  I want my life back - I want to go back to where none of this was happening and where I felt if not in total control , at least in partial control.  Sorry if this sounds like the rambling of a mad woman but I think I need help and am afraid to ask for it in case I am told to go away ans stop being silly.

[amamas]

Hi Hobbitmomma

Well done for sharing!  Very courageous of you!

You don't sound like you're losing your mind at all. To me it sounds as though you are trying to get through some really, really hard times and you're doing the best you can.

I really feel for you and I think the fact that you were able ti write about it shows that you are very sane.

Being away from your family must be making this so much harder for you.  I know it's not the same as being with them but are you able to Skype them? A good friend of mine used to skype me every day last year when I was struggling it really helped me.

Have you tried the online help here at beyond blue?  I've found them so caring and helpful.

All the best.  Keep posting on here if you can.

Take care amamas

[vip]

Hi hobbitmomma please go and get some help from your GP and then a referral to a psych you have depression here and you may need medication also. Dont be afraid we are all in the same boat on this forum get professional help asap and stop the suffering you cant do this on your own. Take care and let us know how you go.

[hobbitmomma]

hi amamas

ty for your kind words and for taking the time to reply to me.  I wish i could skype my family but unfortunately not possible - and I am not sure I would in any case, they are very old school, possibly because we were brought up in the "grin and bear it" era.  I do have some good friends here who help as best they can, but its the feeling of being alone that really gets to me.  Its like screaming as loud as you can only to realise there is no sound coming out of your mouth!  I am trying very hard to hold on to the remnants of sanity, trying to focus on the positive but that seems to get harder and harder as the days go by.  Perhaps once this workcover mess is sorted one way or the other  that will help.  Nice to hear that I am not actually insane yet, and i will try the online help as you suggest - I have nothing to lose by trying anything at all!

[amamas]

Hey hobbitmomma

I really feel for you! I really get that feeling of screaming with no sound.  That's when I feel the most insane!!  I'll share with you something I did the other day which helped me when I felt that bad.  I was driving listening to some heavier style music and I felt like that - totally insane.  I turned the music up really loudly. I screamed repeatedly at the top of my lungs.  It was really intense, physically and emotionally so painful.   Afterwards I felt completely shattered/drained.  It was a relief though because I felt so much calmer.

Thinking of you!

I hope the online help is good for you, so far when I've needed them they've been a total godsend!!

Cheers amamas

[Dennis38]

Hello hobbitmomma,

First you are not going insane, though if you ask me sanity is a little over rated =), nor are you losing your mind, you are going though a rough time, and yeah being far away from family is a real pain in the ass, I know I moved to Australia almost 5 years ago from the US and the only family that I have is my wife and her family here, all of my friends (though I do like her friends and get along well with them) are in the states and I do not get to talk to them nearly as much as I might want to. That part can be a bit of a pain but one way to look at it is that when you do get in touch with friends and family back where you came from it just makes them seem a lot better.

I always joke that the good thing about moving here is that my family cant just show up for a surprise visit lol. That and I got super lucky in the fact that I like my inlaws better then my own family. And its not silly being afraid to off yourself, that's actually a good sign it means you have not given up hope. Those that do take their own life have given up all hope and have been able to beat the most basic, or no longer have that, instinct that humans have and that is self preservation! That is a good thing that you are scared it proves your sanity 😃

I have had suicidal thoughts myself and one attempt that could have gone the wrong way ! That was the wake up call that I needed, and it was not a good wake up call. So go call your doc and just have a talk with him or her and they can point you in the right way.

Some people need meds, I was one of those and stayed on the meds for about 3 to 6 months don't remember the exact time I took myself off them. There is nothing wrong with needed meds to help the mood swings, the meds will give you a middle ground to stand on and let you rest for a little while, but I am also a firm believer we have to face our own deamons other wise we will never get better. I will freely admit that facing our demons is not an easy road but that is why we have Beyond Blue, its to offer the support that we need.

So go see your GP have a good talk, have a good cry and whimper for a little bit, then turn and face what you need to face knowing that if you need a shoulder to cry on or lean on we are here for you

Hope you have a great day

Dennis