Looking for support....

[Maxiewolf]

Hi All,

I've come here for some support as I usually just take this 1 problem at a time, I've been depressed for over half my life, And suffered anxiety for the past few years since I became a bit of a recluse due to having severe spinal issues, I'm in pain 24/7 so my threashold for everything is low. I also have Existential Death Anxiety. These kind of things deprive me of sleep, I also have night terrors.

I've got so many issues I don't know where to begin,Or where to post. If there's an edge to be driven to that isn't suicide, Then I think I've reached it.

Just some of the things I've had going on

Abused sexually as a child by a family member. I have only just started to pick at this.eg Told my dad for the first time.

Arguing and disagreeing about said family members inheritance with my mother after I was cut out of the will. Mother loans me money from inheritance, has hounded me ever since. Coming to grips with the fact my mother is a Narcissist and I've had to go no contact for my sanity.

Disowned by a best friend of several years, no contact no reason given. Was told "you know what you did" Was never told what. Mothers family takes their side and spends Christmas with them. I spent that year feeling more worthless and suicidal. With anxiety getting worse I decided to move from QLD to NSW to live with dad so we (hubby) could save money to buy a house. Moving made me breakdown for weeks later

I have now been told I have bipolar2 disorder, told I've had it most of my life and that it's affected every crazy decision I've ever made, So this has left me feeling even more depressed and lost as I can no longer trust my own thoughts. Psychologist feels she has diagnosed me and all will be ok when I take enough meds

One of our 2 Dogs died suddenly in November

Dad has been off work with no income due to a knee injury in December so we are paying our bills and his I'm on DSP and hubby on carers.

On Friday the 10th one of our indoor cats was accidentally let out

Friday the 13th My 9 year old Dog collapsed of a heart attack and died in my arms. We rushed him to the vet in vain but he was too gone. While on the floor saying my goodbyes to my dog, I get a call from the neighbour. Telling me our missing cat had been mauled to death by his dog 3 days ago. he had left him to rot in the sun and gave him back to us in a garbage bag.

I feel like everything has been pulled from under me

Where should I go from here?

[Kazzl]

Hi Maxiewolf, welcome to the forum - where should you go from here? Well, you've made a great start by coming to beyondblue. I'm pleased to meet you, and there are many many people on the forum who understand the constant weight and struggle of living with trauma and depression.

You certainly have had more than your share of it. I'm sorry to hear what you've had to deal with. And to lose your loved pets as well is just downright cruel.

I understand about feeling you can no longer trust your own thoughts - I have bipolar 2 and went through a similar period of not trusting myself, looking back over things from the past etc, when I was diagnosed. May I ask how long you've been on medication for bipolar? If it's recent then I think there's a good chance this side of things will improve. Once the drugs kick in properly it really does become easier, but it takes time.

Your psychologist may be right, at least regarding bipolar, but have you opened up about them about your abuse as a child? I feel that if this is something you are only beginning to talk about, like with your dad, you may need good professional support. I can only imagine how difficult it must be to talk about, but releasing it from inside you, letting the light shine on your pain, is an important start towards healing. How did your dad respond?

I hope you'll keep talking to us Maxiewolf, we care about you. And if you want to talk to a professional about what help is available, you can call our helpline on 1300 22 4636.

My very best wishes to you

Kaz

[Neil_1]

Dear Maxiewolf

Welcome to Beyond Blue and oh boy, oh boy, the post you’ve provided is heartbreaking.

You have got so much going on, not only in the past, but right here in the present time as well. I couldn’t imagine to know how you’re feeling at the moment and to be able to get that all down was a phenomenal effort in itself.

My first thought would be use hubby (if hopefully you can) as the biggest support mechanism that you possibly can. Lean on him, cry on his shoulder, hopefully he’s supportive of you and all that is going on. (I do mention that, because unfortunately, that is not always the case). If he is, then that will be a tremendous benefit to you and the absolute first port of call for you.

I won’t try to dwell in my first post to you on all that’s happened, cause I don’t want to rehash over the heartache that you’ve just recently been going through. I had that myself a couple of months ago, with having to put a VERY MUCH LOVED pet down and it IS heartbreaking.

I’ll make this a short one and do hope you can come back and write more, but my second piece of advice at this time is to ask if you’ve got a good relationship with your GP. I hope so, because I think you should be getting there as soon as possible to let them know as much as you feel comfortable in doing.

One last thing, you did mention about medications, advised by your psychologist, although I’m pretty sure they can’t prescribe them for you; but knowing that you’ve got meds, have you been able to start taking them? They are not the “be all and end all”, but they do certainly help, if you find you’re compatible with them. Sometimes it can be trial and error to begin with, but you’ll know after taking them for a little while, whether this type will be beneficial to you.

Would love to hear from you again,

Neil

[White_Rose]

Dear Maxiewolf

Welcome to Beyond Blue. It's good you have reached out here. Losing your pets is horrible as I know losing my pets. Such a comfort to talk to and they give so much love.

I cannot talk about Bipolar II as I have no experience of this, but Kaz and others will be able to talk about their experiences. There is a thread you may find helpful. Forums/Long term support over the journey/This bipolar life This is a thread where people talk about their experiences and swop stories and advice. It's been going for a while so you will find it quite long. Read at least the first posts to set the scene for you.

I understand living with pain and I offer my sympathy. It affects so much of our lives and is the cause in many case, of actions that we would not otherwise take. Are you able to take pain relief medication? Sometimes the pain relief is just as bad as the pain but for different reasons.

I see you are talking to a psychologist. Are you on a mental health plan? Psychologists fees are expensive and without a mental health plan will cost a great deal. I ask as you and your husband are receiving pensions and I expect this is not a huge amount. Even with a plan you will only have ten visits, stretching to 15 I understand in exceptional circumstances. Have you considered talking to a psychiatrist? Their fees are also large but you do get a Medicare rebate.

Just reread the bit about your psychologist. Is she seriously saying you only need to take medication to become well again? Meds will certainly help but it's not the whole story. Who is prescribing your meds? Obviously the psych cannot do this so that leaves your GP. Consider a referral to a psychiatrist.

Congratulations on telling your father about the abuse. This will take a while to talk about, so don't expect a quick result. How did your dad respond? I imagine he was horrified. You have a very complicated life and it's no surprise you are feeling confused and unhappy.

Please write in here again.

Mary

[Maxiewolf]

Hi Kazakhstan,

Oh my I can't believe days have gone by since the most horrible Friday of my life. My dog's ashes come back today.

My psychologist who I have accessed through a mental health plan is very much insisting that the medication will "just fix it all" no matter what I tell her, I tell her about the doubt over my life since being Diagnosed with BP2, I do not feel a slowing in my runaway "crazy brain" as I like to call that part of my mind that makes the irresponsible decisions or won't be quiet while I try to sleep.

For years I've had to tolerate my mother's medication addictions and all the stress that came with it. Sleep deprivation due to her wandering and falling, her abuse towards me (in addition to her having NPD from what I have ascertained from research I to why she's the way she is) I'm not taking to her in no form at the moment. (my psychologist dismisses how hard it is to be no contact with my mother because she's so toxic.. The medication will give me the ability to magically deal with her)

As I'm on a mental health plan I'll see her for as long as it is not costing me money. However I feel I desperately need more in depth help and understanding...

As I moved not ling ago I'm having trouble forming a good relationship with a new GP, she's always not there or not available. And I often need to see a different doctor each time I visit the practice (been going there since my child hood) I stopped seeing my childhood doctor after he dismissed my spine condition as a result of being g over weight and if I lost weight I'd be cured. So I lost all respect there as my spine condition presented 5 years ago when I was going to the gym twice a day, walked everywhere, was in the best shape of my life and then I was crippled almost overnight and have been getting worse. I am a comfort eater when it comes to pain, and I can no longer exercise as I'd like. I'm sure being overweight makes it worse. It's maddening I've had so many people tell me they can cure me without surgery. Which I don't want due to the condition being hereditary and my mother's spine is fused completely and it's given her no relief.

I'll be back to reply more later.

[Maxiewolf]

I apologise for my silly phone changing your name. Today has been hard. My dog's ashes came home today. I'll re read the advice I've been given and questions asked and respond when I'm able

[Kazzl]

Hiya Maxiewolf - just sending you love and hope. I'm so sorry about your dog and understand your grief. I hope you'll come back to keep talking when you can.

BTW, no worries about my name ... I am quite happy to have a whole country to myself. 😊

Take care hun

Kaz

[White_Rose]

Hello Maxiewolf

I'm dropping in to see how you are going. I'm sorry for you about your dog. Having had a number of dogs I can understand how close to you a dog becomes and how devastating it is when they die. I am looking to have another dog because of the comfort and companionship they offer.

I have accessed a psychologist on a mental health plan but I found it quite unsatisfactory. The number of sessions is quite small for those in lots of trouble and they want to cram so much into the few weeks available, which is not their fault. Going to see a psychologist privately is expensive. I think the best option is to get a referral to a psychiatrist. There will still be a gap payment but it will count towards your Medicare safety net. Once you reach that limit the gap fee drops to a few dollars.

I hesitate to say go to a psychiatrist because this is not my call, even though I have said I think it's the best option. I do suggest you consider this though, and get a referral from your GP, even if you have to see someone other than your usual GP. The psychiatrist can also prescribe your medication, less need to see the GP.

There are many people writing on BB who have found it best to stay away from one or both parents. Sadly not all parents can support their children and can have a bad effect on them. This is where I think you need the ongoing services of a psychiatrist. Well I don't want to beat you up over this so no more references.

I wanted to say hello and how are you managing, plus give some food for thought about your treatment. Hope to hear from you again.

Mary