Lonely, depressed and isolated.

[Ellibee]

I am in my 70s, divorced, one married daughter living overseas, my other daughter died 15 years ago and I took over raising my granddaughter who was four at the time but is now 19.   I made some friends through my granddaughter when she was little, but have no contact with them now.   I have no generic childhood friends because I am from a different country, and no friends my own age because my focus had been on meeting younger mum’s through my granddaughter.   My overseas daughter showed little interest in her niece (my granddaughter) and always seemed to resent the time and money I spent raising her.   I felt very hurt and sad for my granddaughter that she did not have her aunt’s support.   My husband decided to spend his retirement in Thailand because he did not want to be burdened with a four year old granddaughter, so he up and left and subsequently died of an illness in Thailand.   For years I have grieved the loss of my family but tried to keep strong for my granddaughter and proud to say she is a now a second year uni law student.

I recently had to change rental accommodation and am now caught up in the rental crisis of having to pay inflated rent for a roof over my head.  Granddaughter makes a contribution.   So money worries on top of everything else.    My overseas daughter gave me no support apart from telling to to approach charities for my needs and now she has ghosted me completely, which means I have lost contact and news about my grandson.  I am feeling quite bereft.   I know she thinks I have brought it all on myself by giving up my comfortable life and retirement to raise my granddaughter and has said in the past that she fully understands her father’s choice not to stick around.   Am I wrong in thinking that family should stick by family, and that a four year old family member in need of love and protection should be supported?   Or is this  the price I am paying for letting my heart rule my head?   PS Granddaughter’s father not in the picture.    

[Sophie_M]

Dear Ellibee,

We appreciate you finding the courage to post about your confusion around the responsibilities that other people, including family members take, and avoid. Our supportive, helpful, and nonjudgmental community is here to welcome you, and provide support where we are able.

We understand that you are confused because family members are not reacting, or taking responsibility, the ways you do. This is actually a common complaint which we often hear.

Unfortunately, the only person who will respond the way any of us thinks they should, is ourself. This is because, each of us is the only person who truly knows what we find to be the most important.

We would encourage you to call our fully trained and experienced counsellors on 1300 22 4636. They are available 24 hours per day, every day of the year. They should be able to help you initially deal with a disappointing incident, and they should also be able to assist you in finding local resources you might contact for more intensive assistance. You may also contact Lifeline on 13 11 14.

We look forward to hearing from our wonderfully supportive community as they find this thread.

Warm regards,

Sophie M.
 

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear Ellibee,

A very warm and caring welcome to our forums….

I think you done the right thing by taking in and raising your beautiful granddaughter….It’s a reflexion of the beautiful caring and loving soul that you have…

I am sorry about your daughter passing…that would have been devastating for you to go through that…..then while in your grief you done something that was extraordinary by taking your granddaughter in and raising her with the special love that a grandmother has….

It is really very sad that your overseas daughter, is treating you the way she is…and your husband decided to travel overseas for his retirement instead of helping you….It’s sad that our children seem to make a life for themselves and forget* about us, their parents…I am really sorry your going through all this…

I used to think, that family should stick together, I still do and it hurts that this isn’t always the case…and it hurts so deeply at times…my heart goes out to you.. 

You have a beautiful granddaughter that is and always will be their for you…you should be so very proud of yourself for raising her to be a very caring young person and in University as well….you done so well…and I’m sure she knows how much you love her and all you’ve done for her….It’s so precious that you have each other….

Not sure if I was of any support to you lovely Ellibee,…I read your post and wanted to get to meet you…if that’s okay..

Here if you feel to talk…sending you kind thoughts with my care….and a gentle comforting hug🤗…(if that’s okay)….

Grandy..

[Summer Rose]

Hi Ellibee

You are most certainly not wrong, in my book family should stick by family. I would have done the same as you in a heartbeat if faced with the same choice. I could never have lived with myself had I done otherwise.

Your granddaughter is very lucky to have you. And a big congratulations for doing such an amazing job raising her!

I’m really sorry about the issues you’re having with your overseas daughter. I really can’t understand her behaviour and I imagine it must be very hurtful to you. I’m so sorry that this is happening.
It feels like she is trying to punish you for doing the right thing—like I said it just doesn’t make sense to me.

Maybe give her some time and space and perhaps send a Christmas card. It will remind her that you love her and would like to engage when she’s ready. 
Kind thoughts to you 

[rhombusslope]

Hi ellibee, will keep it short but I think you’ve done an incredibly selfless thing and it gives me goosebumps thinking of the sacrifices you’ve made for your family. Thank you for being a heroic human !

[geoff]

Hello Ellibee, such a forbidable impact you would have made on your granddaughter and an achievement you should be proud of, and I'm sorry that rental properties are currently overpriced making it difficult to survive, but for some reason your daughter o/s may certainly be feeling some type of jealously, but it was her decision to move away from you and leave you and your granddaughter to be by yourselves, and why she moved is her choice, but she shouldn't not be in contact with you, that's not fair for a mother in her 70's.

Your love for your young granddaughter suddenly took over after the passing of your other daughter, which I'm deeply so sorry for.

Doesn't this make life so unexpected and unfortunately, this is what can suddenly put us off-guard and cause repercussions in different areas of our life, but love and dedication if it's strong enough will certainly prevail as you have shown here.

I hope you are getting all the benefits you are entitled to, at the present time.

My best.

Geoff.

Life Member.