Lonely and not coping.

[Eleanor]

I am not doing as well as would like. After finishing year 11 and 12 through homeschooling my social phobia is even worse than it was when I dropped out of school in the first place. My family and my psychologist all think it would be a good idea for me to give university a go, as I do not have to do full time courses there so i can kind of gradually try and ease into feeling normal around people. I feel completely backwards and more depressed than I have been in a long time right now.

I recently got a nice job in November last year, which has helped me overcome a lot of my anxiety issues, however I constantly feel like i am under performing and that my boss and everyone else thinks I am a bit hopeless. I keep having dreams where I feel like I am trapped and which ever way i turn I am in some kind of highly stressful situation. And after my last shift I had managed to convince myself that I was fired because my anxiety was so bad, and I did not check the rosters. Today my manager rang me saying that I was supposed to be at work an hour ago. i do not know how i am supposed to get over this, and i know I will definitely be fired. I do not know who talk to about it either because my family and my psychologist are so proud of me for getting this job in the first place, and if I lose it they will be so disappointed in me. I have also started binge eating again. Not nearly as bad as it was when everything was really bad two years ago, but bad enough for me to feel absolutely terrible. 

The only person I feel comfortable about talking to about how I really feel is my psychologist, but I can only see her once every fortnight and that is a long time to go with out talking to anyone. Please help, I feel like I am already a complete failure of a person at 18, and even if I do go to university I am so scared that I will not make a single friend. I would really like to talk to someone my age who is going through something remotely similar.I am really sorry about writing all of this, I hope I was not over sharing. 

[Scott_Depression]

Hi Eleanor

Ok, I’m going to be honest straight away – I’m a little older than you!  In fact I turned 40 last weekend.  HOWEVER, I’m REALLY immature, spending most nights chasing my 2 girls around the house as the ‘tickle monster’!  I’ve suffered pretty badly from depression in the past and hope you get someone your age who replies, but in the meantime, here’s an old man perspective!! Ha ha ha

Firstly, job stuff.  I hope it’s not just your psychologist and family who were proud of you for getting your job – you should be too.  What sort of work are you doing?  Retail?  A few things to keep in mind:

1. People who don’t have anxiety make mistakes too – they miss shifts, make errors, etc – it’s part of being human

2. Hard to tell, but sounds like you’ve been working since November and this is the first shift you’ve missed?  Even if it’s happened a number of times before, if you are otherwise a good worker and conscientious etc, it’s a lot more work for your manager to sack you & train someone else than to help you remember your shifts.

3. You’re anxiety is telling you that you’ll be fired, but this little voice always tends to be negative and not very reliable. 

Ok, so what do we do from here?  There are a number of options:

1. I’d suggest asking to talk to your manager 1:1 – perhaps ring ahead for a time – go in maybe 30 mins before your next scheduled shift.  This next bit is really important – write down all that you want to say – this will make a potentially high stress situation bearable.  I’d suggest you start out by saying that you are really appreciative of the job, passionate about doing the best for the company and want to reduce the work that your manager has to deal with.

2. During the discussion, I’d seriously consider mentioning that you’re currently getting help with anxiety/depression and perhaps that the job is helping you improve.  Mentioning this depends on a number of things – your manager (are they a decent person or bit of a jerk?); your company (larger companies like target, McDonalds, etc understand that if an employee has health issues they’re obliged to be understanding) and lastly yourself (will you be comfortable discussing this?)

3. A key to these types of discussions is practice.  This is next thing to discuss is family.  I think it’s really important to share your concerns with your family – mum/dad, etc.  I know you’re worried they’ll be disappointed, and maybe this will be the first reaction, but I think above all else they’d be really keen to help you!  Again, practice this discussion (just to yourself).  I’m sure your family will be very proud if you are brave enough to raise it.

Just wondered if you’re on medication at present?  Reason I ask is that it has been life-changing for me.  What I'd say to you though in relation to the anxiety and the negative self-talk is that IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT!  Some of us just don't produce the right mix of chemicals within our heads!  It's really no different to a diabetic requiring insulin to stay healthy.  It's just that in your case & mine, we need some chemicals (medicine) to get us back to an even keel.  It's a physiological issue and it's nothing to be ashamed of in any way.

Hope this helps even a little bit – will check back in and post more tomorrow as I need to wake up early for work tomorrow!

Warm regards

Scott

[Harrysaunt]

Hi Eleanor,

I just wanted to share a few things that may or may not be of any/some use to you. I'm not your age I am 29 but I have been in the past and am right now in the same boat as you, with the binge eating and silly nonsense dreams, and all the worry worrying. Not so much with the work thing but with the feelings part and being scared/ashamed to say to those closest to me of how I feel because I don't want them to be annoyed that I'm back in this place again. I am not on medications and am having a little bit of a relapse with my depression at the moment. I too see a psychologist, I hate the gap in between visits and I really don't have many other people around me for support, I have almost none friends so I too am very lonely. Getting back to you though....

Because I have been here before I wanted to say what would have been good for me to hear from someones mouth in one of the first times that this happened for me...

Firstly IF you have facebook _ jump on and search Marc and Angel Hack Life. Read through as much of their typed advice and pictures with memes as you can. (Also there are other available advice giving books for free of charge out there, maybe google it because I cant remember where I got myn from just that it was free.) After doing this you should feel a little better if even for only a little bit. And try to take particular notice to those memes that talk of you being the one who needs to make the action occur _ no-one is going to do it for you, (I'm just referring to memes here, not being nasty.)

And next I'll say I agree with Scott, you really need to actually say to your family or Psychologist how you are feeling about your job and say exactly what is going through your mind. This part of my advice is a hard part I know you will want to suffer in silence instead but you cannot. Simply if you can overcome this fear first, of not to worry of what they will say or think you will be able to then tackle the next little worry. I first found my illness probably at about the same time in life as you did (about 15-16yrs,) I did not have anxiety with being in social environments at all, myn was all just facing my internal demons and learning to control my actions and my mind better, I was pretty unwell and can still feel very mentally unwell at times now. Also right now with my mild relapse I can relate to how you are feeling. But remember they are just our worries and our fears and TO ME you sound like you have a good and a clever head on your shoulders. You will learn more>>> Heaps more about your illness and I encourage you to read things like the feedback some people give to others for other peoples posts or just read anyplace you can about anxiety and depression. If your thinking you don't feel like reading or you don't have much time to then instead think NO I WILL read up on all things. I say this because me, I believe the mind can/will eventually take control. It obviously had some good control when you had your first few shifts at your job?? didn't it??

Best of Luck _ I hope the very best of outcomes for you,

Harrysaunt

[Neil_1]

Hi Eleanor

Welcome to Beyond Blue and that was a really good post for you to send and well done to you for reaching out to seek some kind of assistance/advice and support.

And speaking of advice, Scott has provided a super response back to you with lots of really good suggestions for you to take on.

When you are feeling in a bad situation, the break between counselling visits can seem very long … but as you go along during that time, if (or I guess, when) you are feeling ultra down and in a bad place, is it possible for you to capture some images/thoughts of how you’re feeling and to type them or write them down?  And as the fortnight progresses along, continue doing this and then take that page (or pages) along to your counselling session and show your psych.  You never know, your psych (or even you) might even find a few of the same things that pop up on a regular basis.  This may help your psych to determine if there’s a regular pattern for what’s causing you to be this way and might help them to address such things.

Just another little thing I’d like to raise, is there is no way in the world Eleanor that you are a failure.  You’re 18yo and you have scored yourself a job, which you’ve also held down for 8 weeks or so and I am sure it will be ongoing for you.  I would love to do a survey for the amount of 18yo’s out there who are currently gainfully employed.  I think you’ve done an outstanding job with what you’ve accomplished so far.

Um, just one other thing … I’m unfortunately even “older” than Scott, by roughly 8 years, but hey, who’s counting.  Age is just a number.

And yes, if you feel able to, please feel free to write back as often as you feel comfortable with.

Kind regards

Neil

[Scott_Depression]

Hi Eleanor

Just checking in to see how you’re doing & glad to see some of the amazing people who hang out on Beyond Blue have contributed too.

Hope you’re doing ok & hope you feel up to posting soon

Kind regards

Scott

[Scott_Depression]

Hi Eleanor

Hope you're doing ok.  I was wondering how you got on with your job & manager?

Please post if you can - it can sometimes help

Kind regards

Scott