lonely and angry

[Diamond2]

I grew up having no friends, I was very lonely and wondered what it was like to go out and have a good time. Like others do. I come from a broken home I think my father hated having me ....I found love at 16 well ... we were both friendless with little family so we somehow ended up together for 10 years.... the relationship was extremely abusive physically and emotionally.... I was guilty of being this way to ... one-day after work I was standing at central and decided it was time I called my father which I hadn't spoke with him in ten years. After we made contact I went to see him he helped me get out of my relationship safely. When I moved states to be with my father I was only here for not even six weeks and my mother passed away.... the last time I seen her was when I was 16, we had a argument....she said she hated me, I never seen her again after that day we'll not alive anyway. Every time I think life cannot get any worse it does..... I'm 28 with no education I have a terrible job that I hate .....I get the feeling people there don't like me neither .... I ask myself how am I still here most days. I sit alone every second I never conversate with anyone sometimes I can just hear the clock ticking and I feel like I'm going to explode. My drinking is out of control I drink everyday gee sometime twice a day a little before work then I polish myself off completely in the evening....I can't concentrate anymore sometimes when someone says something to me I can see there mouth moving but all I can hear in my head is why the hell is my life like this the end result is I never heard what the person even said. I dread weekends yet I can't wait to get away from my job neither it's complicated. I'm 28 now and lonely, I feel like I watch every second just tick by. How come I can't make friends why have I been bashed most my life from child hood throughout my whole life...I thought I needed to be alone not to be hurt but I'm starting to think it was better when I was in a abusive relationship....atleast I wasn't thinking gee am I really going to be taken by loneliness.... I'm not sure what to do, what to think and when will I just snap ..... I feel sick and scared about what else is going to happen .... I can't take no more.

[Paul]

Hi Diamond2, welcome to BeyondBlue forums.

I'm really glad you found us here, there are many people here who care and are happy to listen. I got a real sense of your loneliness and anger when I read your post and can understand how the events of your past could contribute.

There will be other people who will definitely pop by and say hello.

I want to say that what happened in your past relationship wasn't your fault. All of us just want to find someone to care for and treat us right and sometimes it doesn't work out for many reasons. The important part again is that it's not your fault.

I'll write more soon

Please come back and stay in touch, I'm pretty sure we can all help eachother, you strike me as a really interesting person.

Paul

[Carmela]

Hi Diamond2, please don't give up on your dreams and the possibility that you can change your life. The moment we stop nurturing and finding goodness in ourselves, things just don't flow as we would like them. It is up to you to find what makes your heart sing. Start with simply things to stop the negative talk, read books, writing in a journal, going for a walk to nurture your body or buying yourself a bunch of flowers each week to fill your home with something beautiful.

Don't look at other people as an example of how to live. Forge your path by embracing the struggles as these are the messages in your life. We all have bad days, and sometimes crap things happen. You can't change the situation, particularly the past, but you can change the way you think about it. Let yourself feel whatever you need to feel, and then, when you're ready, choose a higher thought. It doesn't matter if its only a little higher. The important thing here is to move out from the dark thoughts to lighter ones.

Diamond2 are you seeing a counsellor/psychologist? If yes, at your next visit ask them to recommend a Life Coach, who can put a plan in place for you to move you into a more positive state.

Have your tried any mindfulness techniques? Meditation, yoga, etc. are wonderful ways to self-care and nurture ourselves. Once again, a Life Coach can provide you with some recommendations based on your case.

I wish you light and love - Carmela x

[geoff]

hello Diamond, thanks for popping by and posting your comment.
Can I just pick up a point you make at the end of your comment, where you say it would be 'better when I was in a abusive relationship', well actually it wouldn't, because if you were then how you feel would just go around in circles and that's not what you really want or need.
To find love at the age of 16 is not uncommon, but it's a young age to think that a long term relationship would ever survive, because you change so much over the next 10 years or even a less time than that, and that's what happened as he became physically and emotionally abusive towards you, but now you got the help of your dad to get out from this relationship, and this possibly the first good deed that your dad has done for you.
There hasn't been anything along the way that has been able to build up any confidence or self-esteem and that's why you have started to drink, before work to put a false confidence on you so that you can cope with those at work as well as the job which you don't particularly like.
If someone needs to drink alcohol by wiping themselves out at night, and drink before work then there's every chance that may need to top up at lunch time, because morning till night is too long to go without.
I needed to drink when in depression and I couldn't last from a drink in the morning until night time, but this only happened when I couldn't do any work and drank all day, which in hindsight was one reason why my ex divorced me, but I was definitely crying out for help, but no one was listening and took any notice of what I wanted, all they labelled me as being an alcoholic.
Unfortunately this will happen frequently to those who are in the same position, and because you have posted you too are desperate for help, for someone to pay attention, and now you have people who want to help you through all of this, but it may take some courage from you and a bit of determination so that we can guide you through your recovery.
You could be at risk of harming yourself at work or if the boss finds out that you are drinking then you may lose your job, so this can be your first hurdle to overcome, and can I suggest that you go and see your doctor.
I want to continue with your comment so please can you get back to us. Geoff.