My conflict with reality

[Misty_Morning]

Apparently stress is not caused by life events but is a response to how we think about those events...well thats great. So Im distressed to the point of exploding with exquisite misery over how to provide for my two children as I have another baby due in two months.

So I become cynical and sarcastic, I say to myself..."Sure! If the fridge is empty Ill lose the baby weight quickly!", Getting the power cut off could be beneficial for the environment!","The ridiculous amounts of debt I got into while drinking myself into submission for four years was worth every drop! Didn't need my gallbladder anyway!", But it doesn't make me feel better, just makes me more bitter.

So I try to look at the now, stop focussing on the future..I am actually sitting infront of the ocean with a world class spectacular view right now. But I'm heavily pregnant and exhausted and have been crying all morning because I feel like an incompetent failure and I hate my partner, so I could be looking at a mass grave for what its worth. Actually the ocean kind of is a mass grave of emptiness thanks to the human races desire to poison and destroy everything beautiful about this world.

I have been sober for 7 months now, thanks to this pregnancy and I've learnt two things about myself. 1. I suffer from depression and I was self medicating with alcohol whereas I thought I was a problem drinker and that was causing the depression. 2. I now have a lifetime of dumb things I've done while depressed and wasted to process and sort out otherwise I'm going to start drinking heavily again after the baby, which I really don't want to do.

[Just Sara]

Welcome Misty to our wonderful community on BB;

Airing your fear, anger and situation is an important step in recovery. Kudos on your courage to share with us here. I wonder if you have a support network. Family, friends, GP and psychologist. Lifeline and BB have phone and online chat services to help with finding clarity and support when you're down. Maybe an outreach program for coping with alcohol? There are also financial support programs available through Centrelink and non-government agencies like the Salvo's.

The predicament you describe is a big one; it's good you found time to bask in the beauty of your surrounds and can acknowledge this. Finding opportunities to relax and recharge can be hard with little ones and especially with one on the way. The burdens you carry don't have to be faced alone. We care and are willing to listen if you need to off-load.

Be kind to yourself Misty ok?

...Dizzy

[Neil_1]

Hi there M.M.

I hope you don’t mind me saying, but you have a beautiful descriptive way of writing and expressing yourself – it really is a great attribute you have.

So you’ve got two beautiful children and another on the way; congratulations on this and I’m sure you’re as proud as can be – as you surely should be as well.

Do you feel you’re getting good support at home with the family issues and the looking after and caring of the youngsters; especially now as you’re in your latter stages of this fast approaching pregnancy?

I’ve gotta say that the view that you speak of sounds absolutely amazing – and though you then go and describe a different scene as your depression is causing you to see through different coloured glasses; try to drink in the beauty of what lays before you, when we are able to saviour such scenes, we really should try to acknowledge them as much as we can. And just for a fleeting moment, try and say to the depression, “No, you’re not going to spoil this view that I have. Not today, so get lost.”

That is amazing you’ve been 7 months sober and well done to you – I hope you feel a strong sense of effort for what you’ve been able to achieve and who knows, once bub arrives, you may just be able to continue on with the DOG days (Days Off Grog). I love it when I can count up a fair number.

Do have any other professional types of support helping you out; like a GP or counselling or even any meds (though, I’m not sure if being pregnant you’d be allowed to take anti-depressants?)

Would love to hear back from you.

Neil