Loneliness

[Pink grapefruit]

Hi. I often feel that people hate me and are trying to pull me down. I want to enjoy life but I feel that I live with such fear. Is it normal or something wrong with me.. 

[therising]

Hi Pink grapefruit

I believe words and feelings can be such incredibly powerful things. I've found sometimes changing words while identifying what it is that I'm really feeling can begin to make some difference to my perception.

• 'I often feel that people hate me'. Are you really feeling people's hatred or could you be feeling the vibe of something else coming from them? Could you be feeling them not knowing how to approach you or get along with you? Could you be feeling them not understanding or relating to your nature? Could you be feeling them not caring to put the effort into coming to know you? Could you be feeling them judging you wrongly?
• 'I feel they are trying to pull me down'. Could you be feeling people not raising you through conversation or not raising you to a smile or laughter? Could you be feeling them not bringing out the best in you or maybe not knowing how to do that? Could you be feeling them offering advice but their delivery of that advice is all wrong? Does it feel like depressing advice, harsh, super critical and unwelcome? Are such people not fully conscious of the words they use? Could you be surrounded by people who don't have much of a filter between what they think and what they say?

So, after all that, could you say 'I often feel that people don't understand me or relate to me and therefor they just don't know how to raise me'?

As a 54yo gal who lives with varying degrees of fear, I was never raised to be fearless. Not being raised to be fearless definitely comes with a lot of side effects. With 'The social butterfly' in me not developed to any great degree, I can fear certain social situations. With 'The risk taker' in me never brought to life, I'm more of a safe player. With 'The public speaker' in me lying pretty much dormant, I can't rely on it to lead me out of the terror I feel with public speaking. There are many facets to us that lead us to be fearless. Many can lie dormant or be underdeveloped and require attention and exercise before they can begin to really serve us in a whole number of ways. 

Again, through a change of words, 'What is wrong with me?' becomes 'Why do I naturally tick the way I do?'. Instead of being down on our self (believing we're all wrong), we can become genuinely curious when it comes to our nature and how to develop it. There is nothing wrong with a healthy sense of curiosity and wonder, especially when we have the ability to develop or evolve through such things.

[amd1953]

Hello Pink grapefruit,

Try letting go of these thoughts of exclusion and live your life free from encumbrance.   As far as I know, we all have only one life so why waste time worrying about something you will never be able to resolve.   People will think whatever they choose to think, and we have to allow them to exercise their free will.   You have every right to be here and be as happy as you can make yourself.   Living with fear will prevent you from moving on to better things.   I have spent the greater part of seven decades trying to come to terms with myself because I have never been a popular figure.   I was systemically bullied at school and that is where it all started.   As time passed, I found myself trying to fit into my environment rather than accepting who and what I was and allowing myself the freedom to be my true self.   Nothing is normal in this life, and I don't think it ever will be.   As for something being wrong with you, I very much doubt it.   Don't let yourself be brainwashed into thinking this is the problem.   Actively search for effective ways to improve your self-confidence.   If you want to be around people, then consider joining some kind of a social or sporting club if that is what floats your boat.   Refuse to think about the negative things that crowd in on you.   We can set ourselves free at any age if we only allow ourselves to do so.

Be strong.

amd1953

[randomxx]

Hi there op.

Amd is right but admittedly it does take time and practice. The best way to live though with things your feeling is to just go do your life the way you see fit. Not everyone is gonna agree with it or like it or like you or like us but that's all just 100% normal and typical of the world and life anyway.

Those that live for other people instead of themselves you will usually find live very frustrating lives anyway but you might not even hear about that from them unless your the one sitting with them late one night where it's all coming out.

Try to live for you and with only the concerns of those that you love and that genuinely love you too. Tbh, the rest of the world doesn't really matter as far as how we choose to live our lives.

[Pink grapefruit]

Dear therising,

Thank you for your message. I have been thinking a lot about “Why do I naturally tick the way I do?” I often try to meet other people’s expectations, so I am always afraid how other people see me or judge me. Then I start to think I must not be good enough or they don’t like me. This could be because of my cultural background. It is not easy but I want to learn how to overcome it. Thank you for your warm message and advice.

[Pink grapefruit]

Dear amd1953,

Thank you for your message. Your comment “we all have only one life so why waste time worrying about something you will never be able to resolve” reminded me that I really should not live on other people’s expectations. Also, I may be thinking that life should be perfect. People should be all nice. I should accept the reality and focus on my life.. Thank you again. 

[Pink grapefruit]

Dear randomxx

Thank you for your message. Yes I feel it is going to take time but I want to enjoy life.. I will try to live myself and not to worry about what other people think or how they judge me. Thanks to your warm message, I feel less depressed.. I hope I can get out of darkness soon.

[therising]

Hi Pink grapefruit

I like the idea that we're comprised of many different facets that go toward making up the whole of who we are. Some facets will be brought to life when we're kids and some are born out of experience over our lifetime. I think the people pleaser in us is typically brought to life when we're kids, in a whole number of ways. There can be a huge amount of directives that develop that part of us. Just a handful

• 'Don't question me, just do as you're told'. We're taught to aim to please and not question or challenge
• 'You can't do that/wear that/say that. What will people think of you?'. We're taught how to behave, what to wear, how to talk, so as to aim to please. We come to rely on judgement (which develops the critic in us), so as to know whether we're hitting the mark
• 'Don't rock the boat'. In other words, 'Just settle down' or 'Stop expressing yourself if it's going to cause upset'. So, we aim to please by settling down

As an adult, while the people pleaser in us has become so well exercised (to the point of resembling a seriously buff regular gym goer), other parts aren't so well exercised. In fact, some can be champing at the bit to come to life. The questioner or the challenger in us may want to lead us to occasionally question what's questionable or challenge what should be challenged. Of course, this will displease people at times. The incredibly happy free spirited part of us may be pushing us to do that/wear that/say that, so we can feel what carefree feels like. Of course, such self expression will displease people at times. And while the rebel in us or some intolerant part of us may be longing to come to life, once it does it's not going to just rock the boat, it may blow certain depressing or soul destroying relationships clear out of the water so we can be happy. Of course, this is going to displease some people.

If we're sensitive (able to sense other people's displeasure), it can definitely feel uncomfortable. I've found there can be a way around that. If we learn to feel through the natural questioner in us, the challenger, the free spirited or carefree parts of us or the natural rebel or upstanding intolerant parts of us, we'll feel differently. We can actually come to love feeling and relying on those parts of us. Imagine the challenger in us saying to the people pleaser in us 'Okay, you take a back seat, I'm driving!'. While the people pleaser may be begging 'Please, no, you'll upset that person', the challenger drives us to challenge the person in our life who's degrading, depressing and soul destroying. Learning to feel through whatever part of us is driving us or motivating us means we get to consciously pick our chauffeur, I suppose you could say. Should add, it pays to pick carefully. If the analyst in us is driving us to insanity, leading us to analyse the hell out of absolutely everything to the point of stress, perhaps a more heavenly chauffeur is what's needed in this case. Maybe the daydreamer, that leads us to imagine something amazing. 🙂