Loneliness

[Dazza73]

How do people deal with loneliness? 
I had a long distance relationship that went sour in February. Even though I’m passed the grief, the feeling of having some company is growing stronger. 
I’m not afraid to talk to people. I’ve started reaching out to women on internet dating and they don’t respond. 
Do I look boring?

Are women just afraid to chat online?

Like I say in messages “Even if there isn’t a spark, you could still find yourself a good friend “

But then they complain there are no good men when it comes to online dating. 
I’m starting to wonder if I’ll ever meet Miss Right. And that is starting to depress me. 
I reckon if I sent out 100 messages, I’d be lucky to get one response. 
At the risk of sounding like an overreaction, it’s starting to make me think I’m unworthy. 

[Croix]

Dear Dazza73~

Welcome back, and I'm sorry that things are not going smoothly for you.

On-line dating sites have many downsides, and I think you have already hinted you know one of the major ones, that people think they want a relationship, but it is an idealized or unrealistic one, and when faced with a real person and their circumstances they start to realise that they did not want that at all.

Combine that wiht the fact that so many profiles are exaggerated or downright misleading the chances of meeting the right person are limited on-line

Frankly you are exhibiting maturity in seeing the implication of joining a blended family and having another 12+ years of parenthood - under difficult circumstances. Being a step-parent takes a lot of skill, empahty, the ability of the natural parent to cooperate - plus luck.

It may be you might need to look in places where you meet people face to face first off rather than an artificial screen.

You don't sound boring or unworthy in the least, and having the wisdom of self-knowledge is an attraction.

Croix

[AbsoluteAe]

Hi Dazza73,

I’ve had similar experience, online dating is rough, there’s more going on that what can be seen and plenty of horror stories, defences and hurdles.

Do you look boring?  No idea, unlikely but the harsh reality is there are likely more active guys on those sites

Are women just afraid to chat online?  Yes and no, I’ve been told some very aggressive, abusive stories.  The reality is things will take time and its more like sending messages over a tall fence and having no idea whats really happening.

Online dating seems to be one of the worst ways to make real friends, it can be disconnected, crowded and impersonal.   It can be used as a distraction, for attention, just for chat, for controlled interactions, a safe space, all sorts of things that have nothing to do with you or how you interact.

I know it sucks to hear but don’t take the experience personally, always try to take a step back from it, at best it can be the start of an introduction.   It is not a sign of your worth mate, not even close.

[james1]

Hello Dazza73,

I'm sorry to hear about the long distance relationship. Croix and AbsoluteAe have probably said all I wanted to about online dating, but I did want to just offer my support as I understand how that rejection and loneliness can make you feel unworthy and worse about yourself.

It's tough because we know it's an overreaction and we can run through the logic, but it doesn't stop the thoughts coming.

Do you have a good circle of friends or family you can rely on when you are struggling, and who help you with that sense of loneliness?

James

[yours_truly]

Hey Dazza73,

I’m so sorry to hear that you feel this way. Online dating can be a messy and hurtful platform. Every platform has its disadvantages. I understand that with every day you have to wait for miss right, the growing feelings of loneliness are creeping up on you. However, when you do go on a date, I hope you take the time to use your judgement effectively. Not everyone is perfect and sometimes you might come across exactly the opposite person disguised as someone who might accomodate your preferences. Or, it may be the other way around!! 

If it still isn’t going the right way and you begin to feel hopeless, please know that you aren’t alone and that there are people on this very platform willing to help you and assist you through every step. 

Good luck,

yours_truly!

[sbella02]

Dazza73,

Thank you for sharing your experience with us. As a woman who has been on dating sites before, it can be really difficult to start or even hold conversations with people because some of them simply don't respond, or don't respond well. My instinct is always to reply to somebody if they text, or keep a conversation going, unless they say something creepy or overbearing. But my experience has been that some people just don't reply or will stop replying midway through a conversation, and it's not necessarily anything personal. It may be that life gets in the way, or they get bored, or they may be already talking to someone else. 

There are some specific apps for making friends, but I've heard that they're quite hit or miss and experiences can be varied so I probably wouldn't recommend them unless you're keen to try them. Like Croix has said, there may be some benefit in turning to in-person ways of finding company. I'm not sure how old you are or whether you have a full-time career, but would a part-time job, sporting club, or volunteering company be of any interest? Otherwise, if you have anybody in your life who likes to go out, bars can be a good place to meet people, provided it's a good atmosphere and people seem reasonably energetic and keen to meet others.

I'm wishing you all the best, and please try not to let your bad experiences dictate your self-worth, as difficult as it may be. I know it can be hard not to let these thoughts in sometimes, but the reality is that online dating, as fun as it can be at its best, can also be strange and misleading and disappointing. Try not to take it personally if you can, this is a common experience for many people.

Take care, SB