Living with Depression

[BALM]

Hi There,

I was diagnosed with depression and acute anxiety around 8 years ago and went on a course of medication for around 2-3 years after that. I also had counselling at that time and also a prolonged period of counselling when I again felt I had relapsed around 3 years ago. The desire was that I would be "cured" but as I am learning this is a life long challenge to be managed and even celebrated at what I am able to achieve. I'm currently under no direct treatment.

Its a stressful period in life as I have also in the past few months moved into an Executive position (at a good/supportive workplace) and as well my wife and I have three children (5, 2.5 and 1).

All the same lately I have found my motivation and general satisfaction with life to be up and down and in fact become more down - I have days like today where for someone who can be super productive and motivated I just cant be bothered being at work, and I know that if I have a day where I am slow it'll be fine, but I feel guilty.

I also feel guilty because, you know I am lucky enough to be educated, have skills that are employable, a beautiful family, but I feel this way and doubt that others understand fully.

I've never posted here before but have used BB resources before.

Thanks,

Ben

[QldMouse]

Hi Ben,

Welcome to the forum, you are certainly in the right place. Your post seriously resonates with me, and I feel for you. I really, really understand.

I'm new here myself, but certainly not new to depression. I was first diagnosed in my twenties and am nudging sixty now. I read forums for a while myself and also used the resources before getting the courage to post.

I suppose the thing that gets me, is that I am not alone, other people feel astonishingly similar if not exactly the same as me. Clearly your one of us. I too have been on executive teams, run large organisations, lead a double life. I've coached and mentored so many people while wishing I had a coach or mentor I could share with. It is hard.

I keep being told and hearing that getting through depression is a journey. Dam I wish we could teleport to the end and game on eh?? No, sadly it is a journey.

I have a lot too, family, nice house, cars, I know people think I'm so lucky but the don't see past the shell. We should be nominated for an achademy award our acting must be so good right? The guilt and shame I'm still working on, that is a focus of therapy I'm getting.

Which leads me to ask if you are getting therapy now? I have been through a lot of phsyco's and I use the term advisedly. My current therapist is gold though, she is a keeper and I feel like I have made so much progress with her. She told me that finding a therapist who is a match for you is like finding a good pair of shoes, you need to try a few on, maybe take them for a bit of a walk around the store. Check them out in the mirror, etc, etc. I found that pretty accurate, and a pretty good analogy.

As you said so well, some days you get such a feeling of accomplishment, then there are the other days you barely make it to knock off time and drag your sorry arse out the door. Makes you appreciate the good days eh? We need to work on the other days, if you have any hints on that I am very eager to hear them. Anyone?

Anyway, welcome to the forum and another step on your journey. I really look forward to comparing notes and hearing how you go.

Cheers!!

[BALM]

Thanks Mouse.

I do have a psychologist who is great, though its been a while since I dropped in for a chat (maybe 12+ months). I also stress about going and seeing them because intuitively I feel as though I need to come along with a clearly defined problem so as to make the most of the session...so I manage to create a stress out of something that is designed to relieve stress! I also know that I am effected by food etc - really love drinking coffee but I am pretty sure that I have too much of it!

I love coaching/mentoring/name a phrase people - I think because by doing so I am essentially telling myself truths that are too well filed in my own brain. It forces them out. Its understandably hard talking to others who definitely care but who luckily do not comprehend the total irrationality that living with depression and anxiety is - so it is good to join the forum here.

I have arrived at work on a Monday morning agitated that I don't feel all that happy - like I have some great hump to get over until Friday evening comes around (it wouldn't matter what job I was in I don't believe). I don't want to live this reality, I want my reality to be more stable not just climbing over humps to get the next piece of relief (which of course does not last).

Thanks for listening - I'll keep checking in (is there a way of getting notified by email if someone replies?).

[Chris_B]

BALM said:

Thanks for listening - I'll keep checking in (is there a way of getting notified by email if someone replies?).

Hi BALM, not yet sorry - we're working on it, hope to have this feature up and running within the next 3 months. Please keep checking in with us.

[QldMouse]

Thanks Chris B, that will be a popular feature I think, I'm thinking even SMS notification for those of us too switched on to disconnect ... 😉

Hi Blam, so glad you came back, its great to find a kindred spirit, especially when mention the elixir of life. Coffee.

It down sound like a visit to your psychologist is way overdue don't you think? Yes I hear you, I hate meetings that don't result in outcomes, results, action plans and task lists. Result dammit, we need results!!

I think I've had that siphoned out of me now and reality has sunk in. They tell you its a journey, and you spent years programming yourself one way, it can take years to reprogram yourself. That just sucks doesn't it.

It was very hard to fight through the Monday schools back traffic to be faced with a motivation crisis. I feel for you mate, that is a real test of strength. Over half way through Monday here, all down hill from here!!

I don't know about you, it sounds almost like your at a cross roads / decision point? But it sounded like you were in a new job with greater responsibility? Did you chase it or did it find you?

I took a temporary job while I found myself. Still looking, but am seeing signs.

All the best, hope your Monday takes a turn for the better.

[BALM]

Thanks again Mouse - and thanks as well Chris, look forward to the feature.

Totally correct - well due for a chat with the psychologist. Just writing my post earlier today made this abundantly clear - so booked in for later in the week. Probably need to make it a thing that happens every two-three months instead of the 'intensives' that I end up doing.

Probably both on the job front - I was chasing something that was what this role is, but it was an opportunity that arose at the right time, as well. I'm pretty happy with it as a role - without wanting to beat up on myself I am hugely aware that I can mis-perceive things through overly negative thoughts.

[QldMouse]

Hi BLAM,

Sorry for the delay, I've had a rough few days myself.

Good to hear your booked in for couch/comfy chair time as I like to call it. Get your money's worth mate!!

Oh yeah, I hear that about the mis-perceive things through a glass half empty attitude. I'm there right now again. It can be a shocker to realise how differently "normal" people are perceiving the same thing. I have to watch myself, but I find I need to sanity check myself against trusted people or my self doubt drives me nuts.

It is attitude based, when I have been happier the world seemed a much nicer place.

Good luck with your session. All the best.

[BALM]

Mouse,

No good to hear you've had a battle recently. I was thinking about this as I took a stroll at lunch today, and I am constantly reminded, often by my wife, of just how wrong my perception is of myself (ironic because she also complements me on my ability to perceive accurately of others). So many times I think 'gee I must have sounded like I had no clue in that meeting' but in actual fact I have done well, even exceptional, but don't realise it.

The other thing I remind myself constantly is that the vast majority other people care and want to work together and are not out to trip me up. I'm not sitting some examination in life!

Should be good to have the chat with my psych later in the week.

[QldMouse]

Oh heck Blam,

You do the lunch walk too huh, clears the mind wonderfully I find and somehow gives me the strength to attack the afternoon.

Oh brother do I relate to the perception thing, the times I am convinced that I sounded like a lunatic in a meeting and someone comes up and thanks or compliments me. It still shocks me.

It is interesting what you said about people, I have thought that most of the time. One of the things that pushed me into therapy was working in a toxic enviroment, for a particularily nasty management team. It really hurt my self worth and esteme. With my private life a mess I could not cope with that at work and caved in.

I had a rare moment of honesty with our HR director and she called the place a toxic titanic, pointed out that the staff churn rate was off the charts and shared that she had resigned!! She then shared that she though I was one of the best managers in the place, and my churn rate was not only zero but people were asking to join my team. I left a bit after that, and am now with a quite amazing company and awesome leadership team.

It makes a huge difference.

All the best with your psych, and best wishes to you mate. You sound to me to be someone with your head screwed on just right so be gentle with yourself, we are in short supply!!

[BALM]

Hi Mouse,

Always good to close the loop on these things, especially when outcomes are positive. Had my catch up with my Psych last week and went really well - booked in for another in two months time to look at this from a management perspective. So thanks for the push to go and see them.

Hope you are tracking OK.