FEELING EMPTY, LIVING WITHOUT MEANING

[Allen_p82]

Hi this is quite difficult for me to post on here. Never really spoken about my issues but i guess this is the first step.

I wake up everyday with nothing to look forward to. I have no interests or hobbies anymore. Everything seems to be such an effort to do. I have this feeling of complete emptiness. I find it very difficult to make decisions and when I do finally make one is always the wrong one. I no longer see my friends and barely talk to me family. I rather be alone. I feel likeI have to be a different person around different people and situations. I get quite nervous just talking to people. I feel like I just wake up each day and go through the motions without any meaning. I no longer have the capacity to have feelings. I say and do things which are mean to those I supposedly love but I feel no remorse. I hate being like this. I spend most of my days in bed sleeping and staring blankly at the tv. Sometimes I watch for an hour or so then in an ad break cant even remember what i am watching.

Yes I am quite messed up, I know. Im just wondering if anyone has had similar things happen to them and could share with me.

[Mares73]

Dear Allen you've shown great courage in reaching out on Beyond Blue & thank you for entrusting us with the details of your private pain. I could strongly relate to your feelings of emptiness & just existing each day on autopilot without any real engagement or interest & motivation in your daily tasks. You may well be aware these symptoms are typical of experiencing a difficult illness-your underlying depression. Unfortunately that seems to have a greater impact than anything else in your life at the moment. So where to start? On this site there is a list of Gps everywhere who specialize in mental health issues . I would strongly recommend that unless you have an informed GP; that you consider going to one recommended. You don't say if your on meds but even if you are-given how your feeling it's worth a review. Just like any illness you are experiencing a flare up of symptoms & deserve proper assessment & treatment. I appreciate you just don't feel capable of much right now & are isolated & alone. This will only worsen your depression-living in our own minds alone can bring us very low. What do you think about a treatment review & opening up to a GP? Right now I think that's the most import thing to do. As staying alone with your thoughts will only worsen how you feel about yourself. You've taken a great step reaching out here & I'm sure many others will relate & reply to you. Do you feel able to take the next step to reach out for professional support? And do you have anyone in your life you are close too? Hope to hear back from you Allen. Take care please-you deserve happiness & a life with meaning. Lve Mary x

[Allen_p82]

Hi Mary,

Thankyou so much for responding to my post. I have an appointment with my gp on Monday. I'm quite nervous about it. I am feeling so guilty about the person I have become but at the same time I can't change without help. I really think that I am emotionally numb. I bring my wife to tears and I feel nothing. It's like I don't care but I really do care. I take many showers and that's where I cry so my wife and kids don't see me. I have been off work for 3 months now and looks like it will be much longer before I return, that's if they want me back. I have no motivation to do anything. I just want to be the person I used to be. 

[AGrace]

Hi Allen,

Mary has provided a very thorough reply, and I'm in complete agreeance with her suggestion of heading to a GP. You could even print off your post and share with your Dr what you have shared with us.

It sounds like you're just existing at the moment, and I can definitely relate to that, as I'm sure many others can. When we're not well just waking up in the morning can be a chore. One of the first things that was suggested to me when I started getting treatment was to try to do one small, pleasurable thing each day. I know what you are going to say, because I said it too: "But I don't find anything pleasurable!!" I'll give you the response that my Psychologist gave back to me. "You personally don't have to find the activity pleasurable, you may have very little interest in doing it at all, but still do it."

So what are some things that could be pleasurable, that you might be able to achieve in a day?

A bath, reading a magazine, sitting outside when there is some sun, playing with a pet, eating your favourite food, going for a walk to the end of your street.

Would this be something you would be willing to try in addition to making a GP appointment?

We hope to hear back from you, take care Allen.

AGrace

[Allen_p82]

Hi AGrace

It feels good to start talking about things. Just from a few responses I feel like there are people who actually care.

thankyou for the suggestion of doing pleasurable task but I just don't feel like doing anything. I have totally given up on doing things. Nothing ever works or goes normal even for the simplistic things. When they go wrong I get so angry. I tried to download a book off iTunes but Internet kept cutting out. I tried many times to purchase this and each time I was charged without getting the book. My iPad is smashed outside on the concrete. Now my kids can't use it and I feel terrible. I'm not well and I'm scared.

[geoff]

dear Allen, I am so pleased that Mary and AGrace has replied to you, because at the moment you don't know what the hell is happening to you, unfortunately that's what depression does to us.

Does your work know that you have depression, and are they able to keep you off work, although I know you have said that they might not take you back, but be careful because your depression could be telling you this.

Would it be possible for you to click under 'resources' at the top of this page, and order all the printed material from BB which is free, but it explains what this illness is, not only for yourself what also for your wife.

The information is very informative, but it only explains this illness and what and how your family can do or cope with it as well.

It's very difficult for a depressed person to talk or want to talk to their spouse/partner or even kids about how they are feeling, because we have a fear that it would only upset them, however by not letting them know has the same result, I know it feels uncomfortable, but at the moment just tell them something so that they know.

Please get back to us as you really need help. Geoff.

[Cat7]

Hi Allen, how are you these days? I notice your post is quite old now. Have things improved? I had depression like that once and had no interest in anything. Walking was mentioned but if you can go for a walk near nature like along a lake or in the bush, it can lift your mood and get your body looking better and feeling healthier. I recently replaced sugary foods with fruit which gave me more energy and less weight and cut out beer and wine and I now drink more water. Faith helped me a lot when I was experiencing grief. I didn't feel like going to a doctor or counsellor and didn't want to use anti depressants either. If there's a feeling of helplessness and low self esteem for whatever reason, it's good to do healthy things like get in shape or talk to a trusted mate if you can, to feel that you're worthy and not forgotten. Someone told me to be selfish. I found that meant not feeling guilty if needed to stay in bed or if I couldn't do much some days. We have a good inbuilt knowledge of what we need to get through things. Listen to that voice and care for yourself well. And remember the saying, "this too will pass".

[Petrina]

Hi Allen

I absolutely relate to everything you say as I have been there to many times to remember. I am 42 years old, and for 19 years I have felt like that on and off. If it wasn't for the help I received in the past and present, my outcome, would be quite different. I hope you have seen your GP and let your workplace know about your depression. A lot of GP's don't specialise in mental health so i hope your GP directed you towards a psychologist/psychiatrist so you could be assessed properly. I am sure by now your wife is well aware you have depression and I am sure she is very understanding! You will get through this Allen, and keep talking online. I have not worked for two and half years because of a relapse of depression/anxiety but I am feeling better everyday. I am under a fantastic psychiatrist/psychologist. The thing about depression is that you don't want to do anything but if you don't do anything, you will never feel better! You have to fight it! Get out and get some sunshine, remember there is help and you will feel better soon i promise.

Best of luck

Petrina