Living with Depression

[DJPTigerland140414]

I only realised I truly had depression when I was 21. The seeds were planted when I was younger but it hit home one night walking along the highway half drunk nearly getting hit by a truck. I let it out to someone for the first time the next day that I had real problems and broke down like a blubbering baby. Ive been on and off medication and in and out of councillors for many years and still to this day while I write this piece I struggle on a daily hour by hour basis.

Councilling and medication certainly helped me learn ways to try to deal with this disease but it never goes away and it hurts so so bad. I hardly drink and have given up so many of the things I believed trigger my depression but still at this very moment I am fighting my mind and it really does tire you out fighting 24/7 with your thoughts and feelings.

I am a very open and honest person so these thoughts and feelings are straight off the bat. I struggle badly with my self esteem and cant get these horrible thoughts out of my head when I look at myself in the mirror. My weight has become a battle in the last 3 years and am currently caught in a vicious cycle of depressed because im eating and eating because im depressed. I am a fat negative loser at the moment.

I have no contact with my dad and none now with my mother. Thats one thing that gets me down. But they make me feel bad about myself so I have given them the flick. My old man for 6 years or so. I am married to the most awesome girl in the world she is my everything but me being the way I am I can never give her the best version of myself. I try not to tell her all my dark thoughts and feelings as it pains her and she doesn't truly understand why I have this cancer inside of me.

I have been off medication since march and therapy for a year as I don't want to rely on it to live my daily life. I have tried hypnotherapy to get over certain issues and phobias with no luck. Honestly if I could trade my mind for a another one I would if it was scientifically possible. I would even offer myself as a test bunny if it were possible. Wipe everything in my mind except for the memories of my wife. Reboot my mind computer and give me a chance at a less stressful existence. People that haven't suffered depression have no idea of how much it takes over your life and is a monkey that lives permanently on your shoulder whispering nasty things into your ear straight into your mind. I hate thinking and feeling like this for the whole time i'm awake.

[Peppermintbach]

Hi DJPTigerland140414,

I hope it’s okay if I start with a caring welcome to the forums.

At this moment, I admittedly don’t have any advice to offer but some of your pain and sadness resonated deeply with me. But I am hoping others will see your post and respond with their own insight...

People that haven't suffered depression have no idea of how much it takes over your life and is a monkey that lives permanently on your shoulder whispering nasty things into your ear straight into your mind

I found this particularly moving and poignant. Speaks volumes about depression...

Kind thoughts,

Pepper

[DJPTigerland140414]

Thanks very much Pepper I consider myself to be very open and honest in my everyday life especially with my thoughts and feelings etc.

Thanks for your kind words and I'm glad my piece touched you in some way it comes straight from the heart.

Cheers

Dan

[geoff]

hi DJPTigerland, it is so sad that once we have had depression of any type it comes and goes depending on our situations.

We may have periods where we can cope for a long time, no depression has been sparked by an event, and that's great, but it can easily come back to haunt us, it maybe caused by something that has happened in the past, or something very similar, because our mind is always very sensitive to what is happening around us.

In other words there are trigger points we have not dealt with, sure they may only be something little, but if it gets into that little crack, bang depression happens once again.

Triggers must be talked about with your counsellor and if need be with your spouse, depending on whether or not they want this.

I'm pleased you have stopped drinking, that only masks the problems and won't be able to solve anything, except cause disruption.

If you have been on medication and it hasn't worked then you must go back to your doctor, eventually there will be one that suits you, and please believe me if one works then you get on with your life, but you also need to have counselling to know your trigger points and how to avoid them. Geoff.

[blondguy]

Hello Dan

I see a kind hearted caring person that has great pain but is also an achiever to have posted a thread on the forums. It took me weeks to gather my strength to create my own thread topic two years ago as my depression was in a bad place and I was absolutely petrified of writing my own thread.

This is my 21st year on antidepressants which is weird as I was always anti-meds back then.

You are not alone here in any way Dan and thankyou for being a part of the Beyond Blue family

My kind thoughts for you

Paul

[Peppermintbach]

Hi DJPTigerland140414,

Thank you so much for writing back and I’m happy to see that Geoff and Paul have chimed in with their kind support.

You said:

I'm glad my piece touched you in some way it comes straight from the heart.

I thought that was beautifully moving and reflects an innate warmth.

I wonder how you’re doing these days...

Kind thoughts,

Pepper

[DJPTigerland140414]

Hey Geoff,

Thanks for the reply what you mentioned i can relate to. I am trying to do it wthout medication and councilling at the moment but i know they are always available if i need to go back to them.

Its so true everything goes good for a period of time and bang it all comes back again full force. Its so tiring always having to fight the depression demon it really does take so much out of you. I had a drink the other night for the first time in a long time and even though i wasnt angry or anything the depression and horrible thoughts have hit me like a ton of bricks. No more ive spoken to my wife i want it out of my life im not destined to be able to drink.

Thanks again for your reply geoff and your advice is evry useful.

Dan

[DJPTigerland140414]

Thanks Paul the fact you have been on meds for 21 years inspires me that if i need them again its not a negative thing sometimes we all need help. I feel like im heading back to that area of my lige again needing some help from a councillor or meds or both again.

Thanks again

Dan