l worry about myself and what will become of me.
Been such a rough 5 -6yrs . Been fakin it till l make it so long now l can hardly tell what l feel anymore apart from 18mths with a new love after divorce , a lot of that was all new and beautiful highs and l was alive again but now that's broken up also.
New house finally 10mths ago , after struggling my ass off for 5yrs after divorce but l just do not fit in or like the town, l do love the house though.
l work at home on my own , some customer contact and traveling long trips too, alone though.
But now with my gf break up on top and this town being small and nothing going on , it's just too easy to either hang out around the house alone or work on the place , if l'm not working or come to bed and go on the net.
l'm getting so use to living like this lately l feel as if l could just do it till l drop dead really especially if l stay here but then l will forever have no life if l do.
l do try to make myself do things , been out to the pub a few times with a brother who lives 30mins over, went up to the mountains the other wkend, take my daughter lots of places which she's really the only people time l enjoy tbh. The rest is just a huge effort that just leaves me void anyway.
l still eat and sleep , but only just.
And now l feel like if l don't sell the house and get the hell outa here next year my life will just fizzle away before my eyes. But l have no idea where to go or what to do , l need to stay fairly close to my daughter too but financially options are very limited.
l'm early 50s , so many moves in my life , ex w and l moved and traveled all over for years, haven't stayed anywhere since l left home at 17 really, longest 7yrs, and l no longer trust my own judgement especially after being silly enough to move here.
life just feels like nothing and l just feel like all l'm really interested in doing is jumping out of bed to see my daughter and that's about it.
It really worries me that l could really easily just exist like this and to hell with the world or life.
l'm so use to pushing myself through mentally though with this last 5-6yrs and faking it, l feel numb. l loved my gf so much and we'd talked about marriage, yet half the time l'm smiling , think l'm too scared not to fake it because if l don't l'd just fall in a heap. No family and l don't really have any good friends , that all went with my divorce , know about anything l feel or have been going through and now l even hide the break up with gf.
Just don't know anymore.
welcome but I am sorry to hear your feeling so lost. I can relate as I often wonder where I'll end up. Sounds like you live in a small town. Besides the pub are there any social groups you could join to meet people?
have you spoken to your GP? These feelings of no motivation and the breakup of a relationship could be depression. May be worth seeing a counsellor?
wishing you the best
Hi Cm , and thanks very much.
Yeah l have spoken to counselors roght through all this or tbh , l couldn't gave made it through all this by but no one steady due to finances, l'm looking for something atm . lf l'm not depressed it'd be a damn merical tbh. But during my divorce l couldn't afford to drop the ball because l had to be there for my daughter, l'd often be in tears going to pick her up but on with the fake it , or after dropping her off.
But nope, nothing to join or going on around this place although the locals seem like a pretty happy bunch but all in their own lives , families, friends. If we do go to a pub it's usually to one of the other towns or up to the bigger main town.
Just lately , although lonely at times , l've noticed too that l'm getting very comfortable at living this alone life too.
It's all becoming too easy just doing what you want when you want any way you want, even being alone a few days a time quite often.
Bit of a worry really.
question for you. What bothers you about living this 'alone' life? If you're comfortable and find it easy what are the reasons you'd like to change it? I ask this because if you want to change it for you, then you need to look at sky and how. If you want to change it because of what others think, then no, you don't need to change it.
There is nothing tong with living alone and doing what you want IF you are happy with that.
jst a thought
Hi CM. Thanks for that.
Nah nothing to do with others , no one even knows my life anyway, that's another nice thing about this existence isn't it..
What bothers me about it is that really it's not much of a life though is it and if l do it for too long l could easily just get settled into it and end up alone forever l guess.
l wouldn't like that l'd far prefer a partner tbh. But ya can't just make that happen can you , not the right one anyway.
l dunno , l'm still sorting all this out after divorce tbh.
Strange , just got home an hour or so ago from picking up the next job, 9hour dirve, sometimes it's over night or over 2 nights, love those ones and grabbing a motel somewhere and seeing new places.
Again though , you get home tired , have a few wines, jump into bed for awhile and on the net or catch a nap , it's kinda nice and hassle free after a long day, no wonder l worry about myself haha.
wow a 9 hour drive, that is exhausting but agree with staying in a motel and seeing new places. Like a little holiday perhaps?
You said'...i'd far prefer a partner tbh. But ya can't just make that happen can you , not the right one anyway.' So true. You can't force these things and can't 'go looking' either. I know you want to stay close to your daughter but i think in your other thread you mentioned she doesn't stay with you much. How old is she? Do you think maybe it's time to think about you and what you want from your life?
Again, just thoughts.