l worry about myself and what will become of me.

[Guest_1584]

Been such a rough 5 -6yrs . Been fakin it till l make it so long now l can hardly tell what l feel anymore apart from 18mths with a new love after divorce , a lot of that was all new and beautiful highs and l was alive again but now that's broken up also.

New house finally 10mths ago , after struggling my ass off for 5yrs after divorce but l just do not fit in or like the town, l do love the house though.

l work at home on my own , some customer contact and traveling long trips too, alone though.

But now with my gf break up on top and this town being small and nothing going on , it's just too easy to either hang out around the house alone or work on the place , if l'm not working or come to bed and go on the net.

l'm getting so use to living like this lately l feel as if l could just do it till l drop dead really especially if l stay here but then l will forever have no life if l do.

l do try to make myself do things , been out to the pub a few times with a brother who lives 30mins over, went up to the mountains the other wkend, take my daughter lots of places which she's really the only people time l enjoy tbh. The rest is just a huge effort that just leaves me void anyway.

l still eat and sleep , but only just.

And now l feel like if l don't sell the house and get the hell outa here next year my life will just fizzle away before my eyes. But l have no idea where to go or what to do , l need to stay fairly close to my daughter too but financially options are very limited.

l'm early 50s , so many moves in my life , ex w and l moved and traveled all over for years, haven't stayed anywhere since l left home at 17 really, longest 7yrs, and l no longer trust my own judgement especially after being silly enough to move here.

life just feels like nothing and l just feel like all l'm really interested in doing is jumping out of bed to see my daughter and that's about it.

It really worries me that l could really easily just exist like this and to hell with the world or life.

l'm so use to pushing myself through mentally though with this last 5-6yrs and faking it, l feel numb. l loved my gf so much and we'd talked about marriage, yet half the time l'm smiling , think l'm too scared not to fake it because if l don't l'd just fall in a heap. No family and l don't really have any good friends , that all went with my divorce , know about anything l feel or have been going through and now l even hide the break up with gf.

Just don't know anymore.

[Guest_1584]

missing gf , it's reallt starting to bite , knew it was coming for another round.

How could this gorgeous , passionate , super intelligent , fun , very very hot, with the most classic personality l've ever known , have this other edge , that l just don't know how to deal with or make better or make go away or whatever.

Or was it simply as insane as our good chemistry and all we had was, that we simply also had some bad chemistry too.

Maybe she'd be fine with someone else , maybe l pushed the wrong buttons. Maybe we both did.

We talked and joked about our life together when we're in our 80s , like her parents and my parents , and joked about all kinds of stuff.

She's a keeper , a lifer for Random from here , can't imagine anyone else ., yet there was this thing. .

l wonder if l could just accept it , find a way to deal with it live with it, so much to throw away.

[Kid_in_denial]

1. I’m not a bad person. My behavior is sometimes fuelled by my disordered thinking patterns. I do things some might think are heartless, manipulative, rude, dangerous and downright horrible. And I’m not using my disorder as an excuse! I’m just trying to tell you those things are not the sum total of me. They are a product of a legitimate disordered way of thinking that can be hard to understand. So try to see past the behavior and see the person you love under it, because I’m still here, just trying to control my brain.

2. It’s OK if you can’t understand me. This is not me “just being negative again.” This isn’t a teenage temper tantrum where “nobody gets what it’s like to be me.” This is a tried and tested theory. Unless you have a personality disorder you will not understand one. Not in any logical sense. And the main reason? Because my disorder makes no logical sense.

3. My impulses are hard to fight.
When I get a random impulse to do something, it feels like an immediate requirement. It isn’t a want, it’s a need, and if I can’t do what I’m being told to do I become despondent, depressed and probably seem sulky from the outside. But inside I’m fighting a terrible battle of wills. My impulses let me filter out negative emotions when I’m unable to deal with them in a healthy way.

4. I’m not emotionally shallow.
In fact, I’m the complete opposite.
One of the symptoms of borderline personality disorder is “splitting.” For me, an example of this is when I connect with someone and then almost immediately (sometimes) disconnect from them. I go from idolizing them to never speaking about them again. Understand this doesn’t mean I don’t care about people when we’re connected. In fact, sometimes I need to force myself to disconnect from someone because the emotion I feel towards them is too much to cope with.

5. When I’m down I’m not just down.My pain is sometimes like a combination of black hole and a Dementor from Harry Potter. It can feel darker than black and deeper than the ocean. It feeds itself and grows bigger and bigger. It feels like all I can do is lie there in a bundle of tears until it goes away. So when I’m feeling down, know I’m not just sad.

6. I’m not “just being dramatic” either. I can practically hear your eyes rolling at that last point. But I’m being 100 percent serious. Being told to “woman up,” “stop being ridiculous” or other tips to “just stop being depressed” doesn’t work.

[Kid_in_denial]

7. I play favorites.
When I connect with somebody they are elevated beyond everyone else. If you ever feel slighted, ignored or like you’re second best, it’s probably because I only have eyes for my current favorite. But it isn’t a conscious decision to choose them over you. It won’t even occur to me connecting to someone else is an option. My “choice” is never with malicious intent.

8. I have fear of abandonment.
This means if I’m “connected” to you and go for periods of time without hearing from you, I might become panicked, depressed, irrational and bitter towards you.

9. I’m scared of losing you.
I’m irrationally terrified of upsetting you, making you hate me, annoying you and making you leave me.

10. I need reassurance daily.
I need to feel loved (especially by my favorite). I need to feel like I haven’t destroyed our relationship by being such a “horrible person” (or even by saying something I irrationally interpret as stupid). I need to know you’re here for me and you haven’t disappeared since we last spoke.
Living with BPD thinking isn’t an easy task. It can be painful, frustrating and dangerous for my health. I hope now you can understand me and my BPD brain a little better.

I found this from a lady's blog. Thought it might help. I couldn't paste the link. Wouldn't post my reply then.

This is what I would want my loved ones to know. Not all of it is true to me but lots makes sense. All folks with BPD have different traits.

S

[Guest_1584]

Not rolling eyes at all S , matter of fact l get the urgency's and could imagine the depths because l ain't perfect either and relate to some of it myself.

And even moreso in things l recognize in GF , with stuff your saying. And she wasn't a bad person either , contrary , the most passionate and loving, loyal person l could ever meet, she'd take a bullet for me an she's actually told me that too. That's why when she goes off is so bizarre because then it's as if she hates ya.

But you know what , l realize through reading your stuff and others, and thinking about her ways , abandonment, the run she's had with men , the whole box of rocks , l think it's more a combo of jumping to a defensive thing , that and being frustrated with me because l was hold backish on a lot of stuff with us where as she did sooooo,much , huge things, and never stopped trying.

This break has helped me see so much.

But it's also let me see other things like some manipulation and black and white thinking , a whole mixed bag.

l don't really see that much of what you go through over all , it's different, but then you have a mix of stuff going on and even bpd alone , seems to come out differently with different people.

l wonder with gf , if l had of stepped up , made her know she was secure and my love was def' unmistakably real , if her stuff would've toned right down considering all the factors. So many times lately , l think it might've. Orrrrrr, maybe it gets worse , which had also actually happened a few times at times when l was just so full of love for her , she'd often turn. Soooo, maybe not.

l dunno .

Thanks so much for talking about all that S , l need to read and re read , soak it all in a bit .

Big Hug.

[Kid_in_denial]

Can I ask, where did the BPD diagnosis come from? You originally said it was a suggestion I think. A suggestion made by who? You said you ex has no insight and so this alone makes it really tough. Is she lacking insight because she hasn't been formally assessed or is she totally oblivious to her own mental health?

Just an observation - you seem to be conflicted about who to blame. You start positive and it ends in a negative. I am just wondering if all the questioning is going to get you past this or if you are going to be stuck in the loop. You have to look after yourself. If you are going to get back together it is not going to be helpful having a list of cons. Maybe you need to focus on what you best bring out in each other. You obviously miss her but is it because you are lonely and you have this wonderful thing called hindsight, because truth be told if she truly has BPD and no help then you are going to continue in the same pattern as before. Having an understanding isn't going to make her more tolerable but hopefully it stops you from blaming yourself and doubting things when she will likely have enough self doubt and warped sense of self worth for the both of you.

S

[Guest_1584]

Yeah your spot on , it has been a circle , over and over.

And the reason l keep thinking what ifs or could shouldas , or maybes, is because if l could help it some how, then we could go on.

Nope in no way loneliness- although l am , but nope, l'll walk if l have too . On the up side we had more than l'd ever had , with anyone else ever, even with ex w, gf and l were instant , lf you don't believe in love at first sight then l can tell , it happens. l wish and would love to be able to work it out , more than anything, that's why l keep trying to understand it. find any reasons . l'm not trying to blame her or me , l'm looking for reasons, if there is any then maybe we can work it out.

Nah , should would never get help, And inmost ways she doesn't eve need any, she's an extremely capable and together person in life , with people, as long as they aren't close , no one gets close ,except me or her parents.

Two places, a friend of mine is a shrink and l've explained things to her,she said she sounded quite narcissistic but that was without actually talking to her. and there was also another forum l was in , l talked about things there and someone chimed in that was a bpd expert of sorts,l'd never heard of it.

When l explained thing he said she sounds very bpdish and talked a lot about it , gave me a check list asked a lot of stuff.

Personally , l don't think she is even though she checked of 13 things out of the 18. But that doesn't actually mean that much anyway as DT explained and l see it my self , we all have some of those traits.

l personally don't really think she is or if she is , quite mild compared to many l've been told about. l often think she's just an extremely impatient bad tempered little shit half the time. But there was a lot of the twisting and black and white and blow ups at crazy small stuff ,sooo, k dunno .

But no , , l love her S and l'd still love to marry her if l could work this out.

[Guest_1584]

Our sitch was very complicated you see and we just couldn't get enough time together to actually just live and be together, l'd have a much better idea if we could.

We're 70% long distance u see. We can only be together give or take 4 or 5 times a yr . We've been working on that and had plans , but the rest of us so far has been skype and text and anything else we can get our hands on

[Kid_in_denial]

We can all check lists and find we have traits of a sorts of personality disorders or mental illness. We all have a personality. Just varies from person to person how we work, how we cope. Also depends largely on what lead us to have such good or poor coping mechanisms.

For years and years I was told I had OCD and anxiety. This was all based on other people's perceptions and, even though some were health care professionals, I was never properly assessed beyond a checklist or a general observation. Now that I have been in intensive therapy and have been professionally assessed over a period of time I finally have a proper diagnosis, as you know. I think maybe you should steer clear of the labels and change your mindset. Without having professional care you tend to look into things and get out of them what you want to take. For instance, I was so convinced I had OCD because someone mentioned it and I researched it and checked some boxes. It became my way of trying to deal with life. Dr Google has wrongly diagnosed most of the world. Also as soon as someone feels or does something that seems mentally unwell suddenly everyone becomes an expert and start analysing. We ALL have mental health, just like physical health.

I suppose the relationship working will depend on whether or not you can apply the same sort of standards you would to any relationship. Dealing with conflict in a different way. Applying some of the things you have researched about personality disorders - such as not to take things personally and to know that (BPD or not) we all tend to take out our frustrations and other emotional outbursts on the ones we love most. What you need to ask yourself is what are your limits and to learn to differentiate between what is alright/normal behaviour and what is unacceptable.

You've already said she will not seek help, so you need to be honest with yourself about how much you can tolerate and you need to be able to accept that she is who she is because people seldom change.

I hope it all works out for you. I think you can work it out if she is amicable. Just take it slowly and remember that your needs are equally as important (without being all self rightious and entitled) coz no one likes to feel like they are not equal.

S x

[Guest_1584]

Wise words S , and excuse the typos too.,

And nope , l don't like labels either, none of them came from me and yep well aware dr Google messing with millions all over the world , my God the garbage l've read. .

Don't think l just looked at some check list. Talking we're doing here, l've 20 folded that and questioned everything l hear or told. However , my doc friend is nothing to discounter , she runs a psych ward in London and is a leader in her field, personality disorders. But , she also warned me as l said , she really needs to assess her in person and gf would never let that happen.

l think even if she is though it's only mildly compared to people l've talked too about their real situations. Like DT , he put in 15yrs with his wife but sadly , divorced her in the end. l couldn't live with what he tried to live with. But thankfully his ex w makes gf look like a quiet little nun haha.

GF, personally l'd actually more go with the mess her ex made, coupled with her italian hot blood coupled with me having to cancel a lot of our visits because of finances and her really needing to know , after her ex, that l was real in this which she was always doubting because frankly , l just couldn't manage some visits , l've recovering financially from divorce .

l'm also emotionally cautious too, very, l was hurt too, especially when l see big red warning signs but alas , mixed with the most intense love either of us have ever had, else l would have walked away long ago .

But she was terribly hurt also , it was horrific , and so most likely in many ways l often suspect things are coming out with us that probably wouldn't have with the old her before that.

So, God only knows , l can't afford, as much as l feel for her, to waste 10 yrs beating my head against the wall though either , like you said , both people count not just one.

Sadly though anyone else would be just settling after her , and l know what l'm talking about , lotta gf's then married 19yrs.

So if we could, there's nothing l'd love more.

Anyway , if we go on from here she's coming for 3mths, that'll tell me more than 50 yrs of talking to people so, l'm just thinking about all that right now as it's very complicated to swing and very expensive too and it's only gonna be even more heartbreaking if we don't work it out with all that soooo, thinking about it all.

Thanks for your time and patience S.

Anyway ,

[Guest_1584]

PS , thanks again S and yeah , she does show bits of amiable among it all and this is exactly what still gives me some hope .