l worry about myself and what will become of me.

[Guest_1584]

Been such a rough 5 -6yrs . Been fakin it till l make it so long now l can hardly tell what l feel anymore apart from 18mths with a new love after divorce , a lot of that was all new and beautiful highs and l was alive again but now that's broken up also.

New house finally 10mths ago , after struggling my ass off for 5yrs after divorce but l just do not fit in or like the town, l do love the house though.

l work at home on my own , some customer contact and traveling long trips too, alone though.

But now with my gf break up on top and this town being small and nothing going on , it's just too easy to either hang out around the house alone or work on the place , if l'm not working or come to bed and go on the net.

l'm getting so use to living like this lately l feel as if l could just do it till l drop dead really especially if l stay here but then l will forever have no life if l do.

l do try to make myself do things , been out to the pub a few times with a brother who lives 30mins over, went up to the mountains the other wkend, take my daughter lots of places which she's really the only people time l enjoy tbh. The rest is just a huge effort that just leaves me void anyway.

l still eat and sleep , but only just.

And now l feel like if l don't sell the house and get the hell outa here next year my life will just fizzle away before my eyes. But l have no idea where to go or what to do , l need to stay fairly close to my daughter too but financially options are very limited.

l'm early 50s , so many moves in my life , ex w and l moved and traveled all over for years, haven't stayed anywhere since l left home at 17 really, longest 7yrs, and l no longer trust my own judgement especially after being silly enough to move here.

life just feels like nothing and l just feel like all l'm really interested in doing is jumping out of bed to see my daughter and that's about it.

It really worries me that l could really easily just exist like this and to hell with the world or life.

l'm so use to pushing myself through mentally though with this last 5-6yrs and faking it, l feel numb. l loved my gf so much and we'd talked about marriage, yet half the time l'm smiling , think l'm too scared not to fake it because if l don't l'd just fall in a heap. No family and l don't really have any good friends , that all went with my divorce , know about anything l feel or have been going through and now l even hide the break up with gf.

Just don't know anymore.

[Guest_1584]

Hey cm.

Yeah some of my trips are 20hrs where l probably should get a motel but end up just having a nap and moving on , so yesterday was a nice cruizy one. But yeah l always try to make a bit of a holiday out of it but l'm bringing back big RV's and sometimes you gotta focus all the way because it's your pay packet on the back so l try to find the medium when l can or at least love the looking around at country side and properties along the way when l can cruize enough at the time. Or to enjoy looking around while l have a rest in some of the towns l go through. Sometimes the girls tag along, daughter and one of her mates and we have a ball they cost me a fortune though haha or if it's gonna be too longer slog l don't take them . My daughters 16 1/2 now , boyfriend and all , good friends , she's got a great head on her shoulders. so if l did something next yr she'd be 171/2 by then and l can't go anywhere before next yr so we'll try and figure it out.

Funny you agree with the partner thing and you can't go lookin or create it l agree 110%. But other people put so much pressure on themselves like that, l'm just flabbergasted. Been in some singles forums and my God , especially the Americans , they just date date date, frantic , it's surreal . They date anyone just keep dating , l can never get my head around it. Some of them date 100s of people and literally burn themselves out, l say to them but why don't you just actually wait for that someone special instead of putting your self through all that with all these no bodies , they don't even know what l mean, they've been doing it so long they've completely lost touch with their natural senses yaknow.

It's so bizarre , and their thoughts and understandings, not , just of the planet and attitudes and sex sex sex , date sites date sites date sites, dunno if you've ever been in any of those forums but hooly dooly , their heads are literally spinning, they've got my sympathy.

But nah , l've never done that not before l was married or since , l've always just met people in life somewhere. gf and l met in the same divorce forum we were in would you believe it was surreal , man the sparks and vibe coming at us through a damn computer was incredible and when we met up , no mean feet as she was on the other side of the world , it was even stronger and when we finally saw each other, man. but sadly there were also issues with her , or us, not sure anymore which, l just dunno.

[Guest_1584]

But l must admit , now that we don't look like being able to work it out it has thrown me way out of whack. that looked like our future to both of us , but here l am.

on one hand l'm becoming so relaxed with this existence , mind you l'm still dealing with the thing with gf too mentally but just living . l could become a hermit pretty easily if l didn't watch it , that's a scary thought. But people just disappoint non stop anyway, even family , they don't even see it , sometimes ya just think to hell with it don't you , well l do anyway.

One thing about this and finding that peace , it is bloody peaceful isn't it. bliss.

[blob]

Hi randomx

nothing wrong with living alone. beats living with someone who doesn't understand or who's silent.

I now live alone and of course at times it might seem lonely, I know I can't annoy anyone and I can do what I like.

I'm annoyed with myself that I can't just be happy with what I have. This depression business is bloody inconvenient, mate! Ruins enjoying life!

I was doing really well. Meds & good friends saved me from topping myself but now it seems all back, and it's hard fighting myself!

Anyway all the best to you. (I'm new here.)

[Guest_1584]

Eh blob ,, thanks for the thoughts, always appreciated.

l'm new here too but l'm so glad l found the place and people here like yourself because lifes just too touchy and messed up right now for much else, and l am too.

l've never taken any meds except some booze. l'm so up and down l hate to think but when l'm up l'm fine. seems the gods don't like me up there for too long though.

l'm sorry your in a spot .l get annoyed with myself too l hear ya. but it's not all my fault had a helluva run last 5 yrs let me tell ya .l'm sure l'm being punished but l just wish l knew what for.

you hang in there Blob eh and drop in and spill the beans anytime you need to ok.

Chin up . ha , what a joke coming from me.

[newmum87]

Hi,

Just wondering if this is an option, could you have a chat to your GP, get a mental health care plan and see a counsellor or psychologist on the care plan? I think some actually bulk bill

All the best

[Guest_1584]

Hey newmum. and thanks for that . How are you doin are you ok?

l probably could and should , maybe , l just dunno. Considering what l've been through l'm doing damn well, l dunno if it's just more time , some happiness would be damn nice too.

But l also looked into some free or cheap counseling within driving distance affordable , l'm in rural vic now days, grew up in Melbourne. Can be hard o get some services up here but l've also used mens line a lot too and they've been fantastic. and parent line for things with my daughter , and forums.

l've got some new numbers now though and l wanna check them out next week. Something stead for awhile with someone good , counselor or what would be good.

l really don't know if l need any meds my things are more real life realted like my daughter , gf , such a time time time thing, life, and l worry about the effects people talk about . Would love to steadily see a counselor though for starters.

Well , not sure if l'm catching up with my d tomorrow , we,ll check in in the morning and see if we feel like doin something , we had went and had tea last night.

But if not , why do l just not care if l spend all wk end alone , at home , again. ???

Not seeing anyone , l did go get pizza haha.

But it's becoming a habit lately and l just don't care,is that natural ?

when l do do something or see someone or go somewhere, tbh, it's like ; twist my own arm because really , l'd be just as happy staying home. it's still cold anyway, light the fire , jump in bed early , jump on the net or something.

so many people must do that now, but l do worry because if l kept living like that then life would just never get anywhere from here surely. But l easily could.

with gf l had lots of fire and mojo , up for anything and when we could be together we had a ball mostly , or even just in convos skype or kik when we couldn;t , we were always doin something.

Now , l have zero interest truth be known.

l tell myself l wanna get a harley ,l wanna do this wanna do that or l push myself to go there , or drop in to their place or here or there. But the truth is , l'm happier staying right here and doing non of it mostly.

[Kid_in_denial]

Randomx,

First of all, take a deep breath. You've had a lot to process. I haven't read all other comments here so forgive me if I am repetitive....

It is ok to not be ok. We often concentrate on getting "better" and getting on with it that we don't give ourselves time to go through the emotions we need to. Letting go doesn't always mean we will fall. Often after a big dump of emotions we will get a feeling of relief.

I also live in a rural area and it doesn't always have to cost you anything to get a bit of assistance with therapy. It is not as intensive as paying privately (which to me is a huge hole in the system), but sometimes something is better than nothing. Have you spoken to your GP about how you feel? They can do a MH care plan which entitles you to 10 counseling sessions in a calender year. Also some rural GPs or hospitals are set up for what they call telehealth conferences so that you can have access to a psychiatrist if needed.

Learning to live alone can take some time. I went through a nasty break up after an 11 year relationship and had only ever been on my own for a couple of months as a young adult. I too found comfort in my children and when they were not around I found it really hard to be alone in my house but also had trouble forming any real friendships as the people I would go out with were drinking friends, and so I was drowning my sorrows in alcohol and then just going through the motions the rest of the time. I was also so desperate to form some relationships that I would just hang out with anyone who was free. Not always a bad thing but just felt I didn't fit anywhere in particular. Not sure what changed for me but I eventually really enjoyed being on my own.

To me you sound like you want to connect with someone. You have a lot to say and would probably love to share it with someone, you just haven't made any real connections with someone who makes you feel comfortable and who just listens without judgment.

Faking it is much more exhausting, to me, than dealing with it. Sure we have to fake some aspects of life to get by sometimes, but you don't have to pretend all the time that things are ok when they aren't. I wish you luck with your travels. The world doesn't make it easy to be mentally unwell, however there are always places like this where people are empathetic and helpful.

S

[Guest_1584]

Hellooo S , and thanks very much.

; actually felt guilty asking you things on your thread later because l found your other thread and didn't realize you had so much else goin on.

But thanks for the tips on some counseling too , l'm gonna give myself a nudge and see what l can round up .

The connection , yeah , your right , l miss it soooo much. Friends and family don't cut it for me but gf and l were very intense , very full on , and as exiting as l've ever found and all that , hell yeah , l miss the hell out of it and l know she is too.

So yeah , and l hear you with the friends, fully agree. tried that one too and with also a brother l hang out with a bit. l've had some just ok times but in all honesty , it just doesn't cut it . l love the closeness and intensity of gf or if not then someone new if my time ever comes again, yknow. like you l had 19yrs with ex w before that and it's pretty well the kinda thing l know and have always had in adult.

l'm good with time too , as you were describing for yourself , l'm also a big believer in and letting time do it's thing. l guess that's why it's strange for me to be feeling l'm wasting away and not being comfortable for the first time in my life really and just accepting that and letting time do it's thing as l usually always have in life. strange !

but for some reason l feel like l should be forcing myself out there, which l don't even believe in doing anyway normally.. dunno if any of that made any sense.

but l'm glad you've found your thing right now and your at ease with it S , so important . l dunno why l can't seem to right now it's been a helluva few yrs though and l dunno much of anything anyway right now so maybe it's not surprising.

truth is , l do just feel like moping and working through things though, which l have been doing plenty off also anyway.

[Kid_in_denial]

Don't ever feel sorry about asking questions. That is the whole idea of all of these posts. People are here with a common interest - to ask questions, seek help, and to help others. Yes I have a lot going on but it doesn't mean I do not have time to answer a question or give some advice. Helping other people and having others to talk to gives me exactly what I come here for. It is a pretty supportive community and I am glad that I have been able to utilise it.

My psychiatrist did tell me that things will get better. He said he cannot say when but he knows that they will. I have to take the positives from that advice. I am pretty impatient so it helps keep me in check more so than people telling me to take one day at a time. So I would offer you the same advice. Be persistent and proactive but be kind to yourself.

S

[Guest_1584]

So your very impatient too , that's gunny so is gf , her impatience is her own worst enemy actually. Another thing l took too personally.

That's a good way to look at it and yeah , l think they will too , for you and for me . l do feel better things coming for you though S too , a better place so soldier on eh.

And yeah l actually enjoy trying to be of any help too , it's nice to be able to return even if only an ear , but it also takes our minds of our own bs too doesn't it so it's a win win.

Well , weather was a bit better today and l felt like leaving the house so l drove over to the beach, 30mins over , for a good walk and clear my head. It was nice , l'm glad l did.