L.O.S.T

[Jebecabob]

I don't know who I am anymore or where I belong, it is only until you get to this point where you truly realise that the world is a big place and you in comparison are very small.
I have gotten good at faking smiles and conversation and pretend I have so much life in me, where all I can truly feel (behind closed doors) is the life drain from me, sounds more intense when you write it down, don't get me wrong it isn't like I walk around sad all the times, there are times where I actual feel like I am there, present and happy, this may last a whole day or it could be hours...

I don't have anyone to talk to, I have tried so hard, but I feel like I am constantly letting people down including myself.

I think this is the first time I have said this in a way where I now become instantly vulnerable, I never let myself get to that stage, always having walls up and only letting certain people see the real, deep me... But here we are... These words have been said and now I am weightless for the first time, maybe I don't need to change or find who I am, maybe if I keep letting my wall down slowly I might just find my way back to who I used to be.

[Jebecabob]

Thank you so much "Lost Girl" for sharing that with me I really appreciate it. My sleeping patterns are all over the place, when I finally sleep which is anywhere between 1-3am if I'm lucky, if I'm not then I don't sleep at all. When I wake I am so mentally tired but there isnt really anything I can do, so yeah I pretend to be awake fully and happy, doing that... meaning putting on a mask everyday, you forget which is real you or the mask?

I have two bulging disc in my back and my super colonial nerve is ruined, I am taking 8 or 6 pills in the morning and then again at night, the problem is that I have been on them for so long, they no longer really work for me as such. I have had an procedure done where they knock me out and then put an epidural in my spine for the bulging disc and then they i don't kind zap I guess my nerves (that was 2 months ago)...

Since then pain has been getting worse its horrible! So I am now waiting for another procedure to be done where he will do the zapping thing for a longer time and if this 2nd procedure doesn't work I will have to go in for a 3rd time and this time they will destroy my nerves in my lower back (right side) so it will be numb...

I just want to be able to go out and have a date with my hubby or everything really, I can't actually do anything so now I feel like I have no purpose anymore because even if I did I wouldn't be able to do it. Which is why I guess I fake been happy it just seems easier...

[Jebecabob]

Hi Venessa,

I love how in the midst of your trials that you have and are facing that you can take the time to help other people out, I know you said that you love helping people but wow... You have so much to think about yourself and here you are helping people.

Please know that it goes both ways, I am also here if you need someone to vent to or whatever!

Thanks you again xx

[Lost_Girl]

Oh Jebecabob,

I hear you! I have a bone shard at c8 and bulging discs at c5 and c6. I get cortisone injections for the one at c8 and use anti-inflammatories for c5 and c6.

I broke my shoulder in 3 places 2 years ago and while it is completely healed, the therapy to heal it overlooked the stiffness and muscle tension in my neck and up into my head. This tension got progressively worse without me realising and a year after the accident I got the tension headache which became chronic and I now have constantly.

I have been on a low dose strong pain killer that only takes the edge off. I am unable to do even basic household things without it exacerbating the pain. I am the queen of tv though!

I like you can't do much. I feel useless. My neurologist and physio say it will get better in time but it is a long recovery time and physio doesn't expect 100% pain free. I just recently got worse with pain so they have added more psin meds but now even though the pain has eased a little I am so dopey it's hard to even think let alone move.

Like you I get to sleep antime ftom 2am to 4am.... it is at the point my body is completely exhausted. Even if I then sleep for 12 hours I still wake up feeling exhausted and in pain. I hate it.

I put on a mask everyday at home too. The forums here are so valuable to me. I don't have to pretend here. It helps. Genuine kind people who empathise and don't get sick of me complaining (well not yet anyway haha). It helps me feel less lonely. When hubby goes to bed at night and I am left sitting in the lounge on my own, I feel terribly alone in this pain.

Are your medical team positive about an eventual improvement in your pain levels after the treatments? Yours sounds like nerve damage. In the worst case if the procedures numbs it will that providd relief? Is it a one off procedure at that point? Only answer if you want.

I really feel for you. I understand.

Here's a hug for you if you'd like. I wish you weren't going through this.

Kind thoughts,

Carol

[Jebecabob]

Hi Carol, Bec here

Yeah we sounds very similar in a lot of what you just said. ATM they are zapping my nerves or something like that - this will be the second time they do it and if this doesn't work then they need to go back and they will destroy the nerves so I then wont feel anything in my lower back -right side... but since I am not even 25 they don't want to do it right away. So fingers crossed hopefully this works.

I had a busy life before this but now I have nothing because I cant do anything - if that makes sense and I think because of that, I am now feeling very alone because I am pretty much home all day

[Lost_Girl]

Hi Bec,

Yep, that's me too. I am rarely able to get out other than to see drs.

I am around if you want to chat. I'm 41 but young at heart 🙂 There is also a couple of virtual cafes in the social thread. BB cafe where I chat and a Friends Cafe for 25 and under. Come say hi.

I can see why they want that as a last option. I hope the next one works.

[Fairywings]

Thanks sweetie means alot xx please take care of yourself as you r going thru so much at such a young age i wish pain didn't exist xx