L.O.S.T

[Jebecabob]

I don't know who I am anymore or where I belong, it is only until you get to this point where you truly realise that the world is a big place and you in comparison are very small.
I have gotten good at faking smiles and conversation and pretend I have so much life in me, where all I can truly feel (behind closed doors) is the life drain from me, sounds more intense when you write it down, don't get me wrong it isn't like I walk around sad all the times, there are times where I actual feel like I am there, present and happy, this may last a whole day or it could be hours...

I don't have anyone to talk to, I have tried so hard, but I feel like I am constantly letting people down including myself.

I think this is the first time I have said this in a way where I now become instantly vulnerable, I never let myself get to that stage, always having walls up and only letting certain people see the real, deep me... But here we are... These words have been said and now I am weightless for the first time, maybe I don't need to change or find who I am, maybe if I keep letting my wall down slowly I might just find my way back to who I used to be.

[Fairywings]

hi lovely and welcome glad you have joined us very nice to meet you I'm venessa. I def love you use of words here you have described what's it's like to live with these monsters that are so called anxiety and depression in your head. They will distort your perceptions of everyday life and silence you in ways u couldn't think was ever possible, you quote " I don't know who I am anymore or where I belong, it is only until you get to this point where you truly realise that the world is a big place and you in comparison are very small". But in me saying this and you quote "I am weightless", yes you have become now bc ur heart and soul can no longer hold onto this despair you are feeling, we are all going to help you get thru things and head you in the right direction for recovery. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this and have been for some time, and your def in the right place to get help and support. You are always safe here so please feel free to speak about whatever is on your mind. Please don't feel like a failure bc you haven't let anybody down ur reaching out bc you need help to get thru these times you don't have to deal with this alone anymore. As you also quote"maybe if I keep letting my wall down slowly I might just find my way back to who I used to be". That's exactly what is going to happen with our help you are going to find your way back to the person who you used to be and we are going to help you get there. It was very nice talking to you please do keep in touch Venessa xx

[Jebecabob]

Hi Venessa,
Thank you for your kind words, you have made me feel like this is a safe and welcoming place, and that is what I think I need, no judgement just support... It is hard to find now days because people prey on your weakness. Thank you for what you said, you actually made me cry. Chronic Pain is a silent but deadly "thing" that makes you so debilitated and I hate it, all I do is sit at home and when it gets quite that is when my brain starts going off and I start to realise I am here but I don't know what I am doing, it is like my body is present with my husband but my mind is so far away... Sometimes it seems easier to "go away" then it is to fight this pain, as I know I am going to loose because well... you cant beat Chronic Pain, it will win each time.

Again thank you so much for you words I appreciate it more than you will probably ever know but it is true, you seem to be a very kind person and I think the world needs more people like you!

[Fairywings]

Hi sweety it is def a safe place and we are happy to have you here with us xxoo That is what we are all here for to help you through these dark times and help you see the light. yes ur right chronic pain is very silent but deadly invisible illness always r. I am and many others on here are sufferers and we understand what you are going through so ur def no longer alone xx I'm sorry my words made you cry but i'm very glad bc i always speak from the heart yes i am one of kind. I am an earth angel and was kept here on this earth to help people. I became a youth-worker and have worked with many troubled souls but let me tell all beautiful souls. I am also a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and everything else that just seems to go with this. But the main thing is I'm here, many times i too looked for a way out but I was never taken bc my purpose in life was to help others hence why I am here speaking with you xx The pain ur feeling it may take over your body but be strong sweetheart and don't let it take over your mind I'm so glad you have the support of ur hubby that is such good news. Ur beautiful made me tear up a little bit Always here for you please feel free to keep sharing with us we are all here for you xx

[Jebecabob]

I am kind of like you (on my good days) all my time is spent on trying to help people, I believe it is my calling to help people but you know you cant help people when you need help. My past like you was not that great, I became addicted to cocaine, rock, weed and alcohol... This then lead me to living on the streets, I am clean now and stuff but that now is my story and I know I can help people who have gone or going through.
You have brightened my day with your words...!

It is just really hard, I hardly sleep which doesn't help, I am just getting sick of faking to everyone.. People ask the question "are you okay" or "how are you going" they just want "Yeah I am going great" hardly any people truly want to know the real answer, makes it hard to know who to talk to and who not to talk to

[Jebecabob]

But thank you again you have been great xxx

[Fairywings]

I'm so proud of you for turning ur life around i think u would def benefit from seeing a gp and having a chat to n them see if they can give u something to help you sleep i know there are meds out there that promote a more natural wave of sleep xx really worth giving it a go nothing to lose. U may also find yourself with a referral to see a psychologist just to have those one on one chats and get stuff out xx

[Jebecabob]

Thanks 🙂
Yeah I am on sleeping pills now but because I have been on my pills for a year or more I am like used to it.. So the sleeping doesn't work 😞

But they are good ideas about seeing the GP and also the Psychologist, I looked at it but I thought I would try this website first and see how I go and go from then.

I want you to actually know and believe the words I say right now.... Since your first MSG I seem to be happier, of course I still feel all those things I mentioned before but you got me smiling and happy with the ind words that you shared with me.

So thank you so much xx

[Lost_Girl]

Hi Lost,

Welcome to the forums. I suffer from chronic pain too, I have had a chronic muscle tension headache 24x7 for over a year now. I have sleeping issues too and it's 3.30am and I finally feel restful enough to sleep. Your username caught my eye. I hope you get some rest tonight.

I am normally on later in the day because of my odd sleep patterns. If you feel comfortable to share would you like to let me know what is causing your chronic pain and what measures you have taken so far to try and help? Just remember not to type specific medication types but the overall class is fine for example over the counter pain killers or stronger pain killers, ADs (antidepressants) etc.

I relate so much to what you say about feeling like you are letting people down, not being able to do much and having to fake what you show to others. I hate being asked how I am. I use the phrase "getting there" these days.

I can't stand the quiet anymore. I need to be doing something that fully distracts me to stop focusing on the pain. It is normally a combination of tv and using my phone or crochet or colouring in when I am not shaking too bad.

I have 3 kids, 11,6 and 4. Doing activities with them is really hard because they need patience and there are big silences at times. The painkillers I have make me dopey and my concentration snd memory are shocking.

I hope to hear more from you

Kind thoughts,

Carol

[Fairywings]

That's very kind of u im happy you have this place where u can vent at any time and i am happy that my responses were of comfort to you xx i know what you mean about the pills ur body becomes immune to them the ones I take allow me to take when needed just to help get my sleeping schedule back but like u I'm a shocking sleeper too so i get it. I have been medicated for almost 17 yrs now for my bipolar disorder bpd and depression so yeah such a long time but i don't think i can be without due to my episodes being severe. Glad to speak anytime and happy to know ive made a diff xx take care and stay in touch with us Venessa