Keeping my head above water

[Nala123]

Hi guys,

I'm new here and not really sure what I'm expecting from it but here goes!

I've had extreme periods of mania and (mostly) depression since I was a teenager but was only ever prescribed antidepressants on and off. I was never referred to a psychiatrist or psychologist. I'm now in my early 30s and moved to Australia from the UK just over 2 years ago. The healthcare here has been so much better - I was diagnosed as bipolar straight away and started medication and therapy, although my medication is proving to be pretty ineffective at the moment.

Life's been pretty turbulent since I got to Australia, with the breakup of my 8 year relationship and the death of my beloved dog amongst lots of other things. I didn't have any friends/family apart from my partner over here when I arrived and am now living by myself. I have made some friends but without a solid foundation of shared history it's not so easy to ask for help. I work full time and my employers are supportive but I've run out of sick leave from taking days off when I just can't face the world. I've just cycled through a mania coupled with extreme anxiety/panic attacks and am now on the other side feeling really depressed and alone. I've been to hospital and have an emergency appointment with a new psychiatrist on Friday to review my meds but I'm finding it really hard to cope with just existing until then without knocking myself out with medication. Unfortunately they're not good for driving and I crashed my car last week (nobody was hurt thank god). I'm exhausted from trying to keep my head above water, I can't afford to take any time off work and I just can't see how life is ever going to be manageable with this disease. I know I'm a nightmare to be with when I get sick so I can't imagine finding anyone who would want to put up with me but I hate being alone.  

I'd love to hear how you have managed to cope, what you've found to be effective and I guess mostly how you can learn to accept being alone and not rely on others to get you through the worst of it?

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[white knight]

Hi Nala123, a warm welcome here on BB forum.

Coping I think is a blend of ingredients. First step is to allow time for your medication to kick in. This take a few weeks or so. Then ongoing psychiatric visits. During this time I would attempt to remove any negative forces that are damaging your life....the toxic relative or friend, friends not required on social media and deal with workplace issues that really clog your life. You need full focussing on your health at this time.

There could be other pressures like financial strain that you should sort out maybe with help from the appropriate expert. Consider the possibility of working part time if at all possible.

Anxiety, Learn relaxation at classes. Deep breathing and muscle tensing exercises all help- believe me they do. Spirituality is one I also delved into. I read a lot on Ghandi, Deli Lama and watched youtube videos on Prem Rawat "Maharaji" especially 'sunset', his most famour video you'll be gobsmacked.

Mental illness is often lifelong. Better to think you have to manage this rather than expecting any cure. Acceptance is a big firest step. Dont expect much understanding from others, they likely wont understand. Discount the comments "just snap out of it" etc. You'll get plenty of those.

Finally remember please, there are often positive elements from mental illness.  We  can be creative, artistic, emotional depth and so on. Some of those qualities are/were in people like Steven Fry, Van Gogh, Billy Joel, Jim Carey, Drew Carey, Churchill and many others. Some of us are poets, singers or just lead wonderful lives helping others. You are unique regardless. You are wonderful. you just need to capitalise on that and accept that your roller coaster life will be less downs with medication but still will go up and down continually. acceptance, control by management and eventually some stability.  ood luck

[Doolhof]

Hi Nala,

Welcome to the BB community and Family. It sounds like you have quite a bit to deal with at present, so instead of looking at everything as one huge issue, can you set your mind to looking at various areas in your life and deal with them one by one?

There are a lot of phone services you can use to talk to people when you are needing help and assistance. Here on this site you will have a phone number and a webchat service you can use. I have found both to be very helpful.

Sharing how you are feeling here helps to get the thoughts out of your head, and for me at least, I can then see things more clearly.

Loneliness is a problem a lot of people have. I hope that you are able to connect to us here on BB and we can be of support and help to you, offering you encouragement and support.

You mentioned your beloved dog died, is there an animal shelter near you where you could maybe volunteer a couple of hours on a weekend to help with the dogs?

Do you know if there are support groups in your area, they might have evening meetings you could attend. What kind of interests do you have? Are there groups or clubs you could join?

Sounds like your employer is supportive, could you ask if there is a possibility of reducing your hours there or having unpaid leave?

There are information pages attached to this site as well, some of the facts there may be of help to you with how to deal with all your different emotions. I am a little old fashioned in that and still borrow books from the library. A librarian could help you with  great books to help assist in your recovery.

I would like to encourage you to take one step at a time, if it is a small step, that is okay. If you go backwards, that is okay as well. Please use the phone help lines and webchat when you are feeling like you really need to talk to someone. People here will support you too. Please feel welcomed to this site and I would like to encourage you to write when ever you need to, we do care for you and want to help you along your journey.

Thinking of you, from Dools

[Nala123]

Thank you so much for your responses, your kindness and understanding is slightly overwhelming 🙂

I saw a new psychiatrist today who I felt really comfortable with. He's changed my medication but it'll take a few weeks to settle in. At the moment I'm spending most of my time crying which is utterly tedious and exhausting. I'm trying to keep busy. The ironic thing about being so depressed is that you feel so lonely but can't face seeing anyone. 

Thanks for the video suggestion White Knight - it's great. I'm really lucky to live by the ocean and saw a beautiful sunset last night - 'one breath at a time' seems like the perfect advice for right now. I'm booked on to a silent meditation retreat in a few weeks (seemed like a great idea when I was manic!) which will be challenging - I'm not sure such a long period of introspection will be a positive or negative thing at the moment but we'll see! 

Dools - great advice on the volunteering. I used to help out at a dog shelter so I've contacted them to start up again. Dogs really can be so healing - I went to the dog beach today and borrowed some cuddles! 

At the moment it's really difficult to feel hopeful for the future but I guess I've been here before and I came through the other side so I just have to trust that things will work out again. Determined that I won't let it get this bad again - not sure how many more times I can go through this. 

Thanks for your support x

[Doolhof]

Hi Nala,

It is wonderful to hear back from you and to learn of your progress already since you last posted. I am so pleased you have seen a different psychiatrist and he is going to change your medication. As you wrote it will take a while to adjust to the new meds but at least now you are on the right track.

Maybe the tears just need to come for a while, to release all your feelings inside, and then hopefully a morning will come when you realise you don't need to cry.

I am so pleased you have found places where you can be in contact with dogs again! The beach or a park is a great place to get dog cuddles and to chat with the owners. You have a double connection there, one with the dogs and one with the owners! That will hopefully help with the feelings of loneliness.

I like the idea of the retreat. Sounds like a great way though to get in touch with yourself and what is going on inside of your head. I have heard from other people they are very beneficial, so I am sure you will get a lot out of it.

You are welcome to al the understanding, caring and empathy I and others can give you, store it up for a day when life seems a bit rotten, and you will know that people care for you!

Thinking of you, cheers for now, from Dools

[geoff]

dear Nata, welcome to the site, and it's always great to have new members join us.

The ups and downs of depression, isn't just a continuous illness but something that does wear us down to eventually being exhausted.

I offer my sincere sympathy for the loss of your dog, as I had to put down my beloved puppie last year who was my pride and joy, but now I have another puppie who I also love, as both have their own idiosyncrasies, and there is no way I could live without having a dog.

It's not easy to ask for help, who can we ask and who will keep supporting us and that, we don't know until after the event, but by then it's too late, so this puts us at a cross road, so do we choose our best friend, or the family member that we are the closest to or perhaps the person we occasionally talk to in the lift.

That we don't know until we have tried, and those that refuse to take us on board will eventually disappear, so it's a gamble, but it can be an expensive gamble, meaning that we are put on the outer, and then this relates back to you saying 'finding anyone who would want to put up with me'.

This new medication will settle down so that in time you will be able to drive a car, and you will know yourself when this happens.

With depression there are so many prerequisites to overcome before we can begin to get the help that we desperately need, and yes it's a continuous battle to keep it at bay, but what we do learn, and this happens along the way, is that we learn to know and establish the triggers that may spark us off time after time, but what does also happen is that we become stronger in ourselves, not that we see can it ourselves, but believe it does happen.

Keep up with your appointments, but what we would really like for you to do is keep on the site and let us know how the medication is going and also the situation you are in. L Geoff. x

[Doolhof]

Hi Nala,

Thinking of you and hoping you are managing okay. We all have good days and some that are not so pleasant, so I am hoping you have a day that is better than yesterday. Try to focus on one day at a time and make the most of all that day has to offer you.

Have you managed to get to the dog shelter? I am sure you will feel happiness and joy there with the dogs and maybe a little sadness as well as you think of your dog, but hopefully all the love from the dogs there will have you going home feeling happy.

When we have depression, it is hard to maintain friendships on our bad days, I know I have people I can contact but I don't always dos o and feel like no one cares! Our feelings and thoughts take over reality at times and we need to learn the difference between them.

Just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you, hoping you can connect with some people and loads of dogs and that you can take one day at a time and relax a little about your future.

I'd love to hear how you are getting on.

Cheerio for  now, kind regards, from Dools