Just when I think the worst is over.

[Ilovemydog]

It's getting late and I'm tired (always tired).  But I just had to say to somebody/anybody, I was on such a high last week, I had so much energy and I was happy and grateful.  It is such an unusual feeling for me that it is almost scary, I had the audacity to think that maybe, just maybe, the worst was over, the menopause was nearing the end, the depression/anxiety and OCD was all going to exit out of my being and leave me in peace to try and live what's left of my life in relatively normality.  One week I had that for, sheer bliss for one week.  Now I'm back to the "dark place", that is which "normal" as far as I go, the depressed, tired, exhausted, painful, hating, sad, pathetic shell that I am.  The worst thing about the rare burst of "happiness" is the fear and realisation that I will and do come crashing back down to here, to this place I'm in again, it always seems worse.  I'm so tired I can hardly lift my fingers to type this.  That is all I can allow my mind to cope with saying at the moment.

[Doolhof]

Hi I love my dog,

I am so very sorry that it has taken some time for you to receive a reply from the Beyond Blue Community of people here. Sometimes there are so many posts, that people's messages end up on page two or three before anyone has had a chance to recognise your message has been posted.

I hope you have not been discouraged by this late reply! I would like to welcome you to Beyond Blue and do hope you find some encouragement and understanding here.

There is a phone number you can call and also a web chat you can use at certain times to receive help, advice and assistance. I do so hope you consider to use these if your need becomes too great for you to handle.

I'm in the peri menopause stage so know a little of your female struggles! I also suffer from depression and stress. It is very difficult when we have a great week, then like you wrote, we come crashing down again! I do so encourage you to not give up and to try again to climb the ladder of happiness.

Take your dog for an extra walk every now and then. Are you interested in certain things or crafts? Can you join a new group and have a change of scenery that way? Learn something new to keep your mind busy?

The tiredness does not help. Set your self up somewhere comfortable for a snooze, then tell yourself you are going to get up and do a little chore of some kind, then reward and appreciate yourself for your achievement.

 We have a post here somewhere where people can share their three things to be thankful for each day. Sometimes we overlook the good stuff and focus on the darkness instead.

Wishing you brighter days ahead, from Mrs. Dools

[AGrace]

Hi Ilovemydog,

I used to see my illness in the same perspective until someone asked me if I could consider seeing it in the reverse. That is to say, rather than seeing a high as a great week, and then you come crashing down, I would see a low as an average week, and then I'd come climbing back up.

It's not ideal, but our illness can often peak and trough, sometimes seeing it from a different perspective though can be much more empowering, I know for me it felt like I had more control over it. I found that once I accepted it for what it was, I could focus more of my energy on stretching out those really good days. It seemed to me much more helpful than spending all of my energy pushing away or willing away the bad ones, only to become exhausted, and not having achieved much.

What sorts of treatments or strategies do you use to help you 'climb back up'?

AGrace

[geoff]

dear Ilovemydog, it's good that you been able to post on here, because it's never easy to tell strangers how you actually fee.

When we can overcome our depression or even have a good week or so, it's not so much that this illness really leaves us, it's the way we learn on how to cope with it,  because once we have it it's still there, like with myself.

OK I have overcome my depression after all these years, but this doesn't mean that the black dog has walked out the front door and gone for good, it just indicates that I have now learnt on how to make it not revive itself, because if I want, I could sit down and remember all those bad days, what it has done to me, so there's a chance that dog could come walking back through the front door and the follow me around, but I know that it's not worth it, and why would I want to do it anyway.

The other alternative is that yes I could sit down and think about the past, sure I miss the house, the marriage and the list goes on, but that's now in the past, I can never turn it around, it couldn't possibly be reversed.

There are two ways to look at it, still remember it all and then become depressed, or to remember it all and know that there's nothing that can be done to go back there, so if by chance I think of it, I now brush it aside, and forget about it all, and what I have now achieved since then.

I've had to cope with OCD for 54 years, and I know that it's always going to be there, unless there turns up a magic cure for it, but then would I miss not having it. Geoff.

[guest149]

I love my dog too!  I call what you are experiencing, my little windows.  I have had depression for SO long that I know what to expect.   It doesn't make it any easier but when you know your enemy, It can be reassuring. Hills and valleys, My mother's psychiatrist used to tell her.  You had a good run, embrace it. Another one will come.  I envision it as a slow moving dark wall, and suddenly, a window passes, none of my windows are the same size, meaning the "good moment" is never the same length of time but it allows me for a period of time to feel, function, go have a nice dinner without panic.  Brain chemistry, who knows? but knowing my disease, the window will slam shut and the darkness will return.  But also without warning, another window will come, tomorrow, next week, next month, who knows?.  It's unpredictable but these are the cards I was dealt.  Windows will always return, so please stay hopeful when the darkness returns.  Hills and valleys.   I suffer as much as you.  you are not alone.

[Ilovemydog]

Thank you everyone for encouraging words.  I'm presently not on a deep downer or a high high, fairly "normal" "for me".  One thing I will add is, the fact that these things which happen are completely out of my control.  Not what I do about it, but that it actually happens.  There never needs to be a reason for strange things to go on in my head, yet they happen.  I take antidepressants and pain meds for severe back pain and cope the best I can.  But yes, this is an okay time at the moment and I'm grateful.  Cheers.

[Doolhof]

Hi Ilovemydog,

Hoping you are still managing to find a balance in life, and the good days out number the ones which are not so pleasant. Like AGrace mentioned, sometimes it does help to look at our depression and in your case, the pain from your back in a different way.

I try to look at my more depressed days as ones where I will just chill out a little. If I don't manage to do all I had planned to achieve that day, then those things will just have to wait until the next day. I do try to manage a couple of small activities so I at least feel like I have achieved something.

It is easier sometimes to go with the flow rather than to try to row against the tide.

Have you tried any of the techniques and strategies you can use to try to change your thoughts from negative to positive?

Once a thought pops into your mind, you can choose to entertain that thought or ignore it to a certain extent.

Normal is goo, so I hope you are still cruising on normal.

Cheers for now, from Mrs. Dools