Just need to share my feelings - Deep deep shame

[CourtneyJ]

35yr old diagnosed GAD, SAD and depression.

I've struggled with my weight all my life. I'm currently trying to "unlearn" all the toxic diet advice I've read over the years and implement and more healthy, consistent and long term plan. 

I'm currently the heaviest I've ever been (+30kg overweight). My job allows me to WFH and I have been since the start of the year (going through a difficult time mentally and working through it) but this morning I finally decided to go back into the office. I got up early, put my makeup on and went to get dressed... and I looked disgusting in every outfit I tried on. There's just no way I could walk into the office looking like that. If I was someone who could readily express their emotions I would be weeping in bed right now with the sheer depth of my shame. 

Instead I'm currently trying to manage my immediate reaction to try and fix it by implementing a drastic calorie restricted diet to lose as much weight as fast as possible. Experience tells me this is not a helpful solution. 

So right now I have no idea what I'm going to do. 

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear CourtneyJ,

I am sorry your struggling with your weight…you’re definitely not alone, I also struggle with being overweight as many others do…

Trying to drastically cut calories to loose weight quickly could be devastating for your overall health, by cutting calories to a very small amount could mean you’re missing out on very important nutritional and vitamin packed foods…plus the weight usually starts coming back on when we start to eat the correct number of calories per day….it’s best to loose it not by drastically cutting calories, but by changing our eating habits to a more healthy and nutritious way….slower yes, but more healthier and more likely to be able to maintain the weight loss easier…

I think the safest way to loose weight is to talk to your GP and ask him/her if they could get you an appointment with a nutritionist so you can learn the importance of healthy eating and the right foods to eat…

Please talk here whenever you feel up to it..

My kindest thoughts with my care dear CourtneyJ.

Grandy..

[therising]

Hi Courtney

I can relate to what you're saying and I feel for you so very very much. The inner dialogue can become so brutal and depressing. Probably one of the key factors I've found that comes into play with mental health is managing the internal dialogue. Not easy to do, for sure.

As a 52yo gal who currently weighs 90 kilos and feels so much in life (including feeling depressing internal dialogue), my goals are similar...become healthier while managing what comes to mind. I've found naming the dialogue can work. Call it 'My inner demons', 'My abusive depressing self' or 'Alice', whatever works. Once you name it you can begin to manage it. It kind of becomes about distancing yourself from it. If you want to develop a sense of where that dialogue's coming from, you could even refer to the old 'Angel on one shoulder, devil on the other' concept.

An example could involve you standing in front of the mirror after a shower (before getting dressed). Of course, that one's a major trigger. Devil may dictate  'Look at you. You're disgusting. You should be ashamed of yourself. Why don't you go and gorge yourself on chips and chocolate. Isn't that what you usually do?! Off you go. It's an easy drive to the shop'. That devil's a super depressing antagonistic mongrel at times 😁. Angel can chime in with 'Stop looking at yourself in the mirror. Stop it right now! You're becoming depressed'. I have plenty of triggers that trigger the devilish or 'inner demon' kind of dialogue. Mirrors are one of those triggers.

Channeling a different kind of dialogue can be hard to do, especially when we're depressed. Call it 'My angel', 'My inner sage or motivator' or something else. To open that channel, the question may be 'What do I need to know right now?'. Relax and see what naturally comes to mind. Could be 'You're being too hard on yourself' or 'Don't look for a diet, look for a style of life or lifestyle that dictates what you eat and how much you walk (exercise)'. Develop a sense of what feels like inspiration.

[geoff]

Hello CourtneyJ, many people of all shapes and sizes look at themselves and decide they need to lose weight, but I certainly understand your concern, the trouble is some go on a massiuve diet and do so, but they don't plan for the future and eventually gain the weight back on, and eating 'rabbit food' isn't particularly a good option, because as soon as you lose the weight, the first thing you do is lash out and eat what you really like.

There are many people who love those who are your size so it's nothing to be ashamed of, you just need to have your medical checkups and approach your concern with care, because 'crash diets' are not what you really want in the long term.

Geoff.

Life Member.

[tmas]

I believe you're right in thinking this is not a helpful solution. Drastic weight loss through self-implemented diet restriction is generally very short term, a breeding ground for disordered thought patterns, and also very damaging to the body and brain on a physical level. I've known many people who struggle with restriction and lack of food or irregular eating either dramatically reduces mental capacity or leads to binging and purging behaviour. This is just in my experience, but it's an easy path to fall on.

Perhaps you could involve doctors in this task - this always seems to be the best course of action with weight loss. This includes not only a GP/dietician for a diet plan, but also psychological support. If you feel the issue is diet, there's mental health aspects to both emotional over-eating AND emotional diet-restriction.

Anxiety and stress will cause both of these things, as well as feelings of worthlessness and lack of motivation to (for example) implement long-term plans for movement and health/life-style changes which require commitment to a gradual improvement of your health. The sort of immediate calorie restriction you're mentioning may provide immediate gratification, but far more often with get you stuck in a loop of self-loathing. 

I wish you luck - professionals are the best course of action. There may be other factors at play, and it will also be the safest way of establishing and achieving reasonable and gratifying goals.