Just hanging onto myself

[dwade3]

For the last 2 years i have been dealing with some persistent depression, feeling so alone , worthless But lately things just can't seem to stop going wrong. And it's just pushing me further and further down. And each time I have to somehow claw my way out of all these thoughts and feelings. Only for them to be triggered again and again. And I'm just so exhausted of feeling this way. Initially self harming or suicidal thoughts didn't really happen in my head. But the longer I felt this way, the more these thoughts seem viable and frequent. Idk what to do anymore. But Id like some help 

[Sophie_M]

Hi dwade3,
 
Firstly, let us welcome you to our forum community, thank you for having the strength and courage to seek help and support. We hope you recognize the positive step you have taken in reaching out about your thoughts of self-harming and suicide.
 
We are sorry to hear that these negative feeling are being continuously triggered, this must be exhausting. As you have been dealing with your depression for 2 years, have you engaged with your local GP or other mental health professional? As this would be a great place to start with your journey of recovery and to help develop strategies to manage those thoughts of self-harm and suicide.
 
There are multiple support services available for you when you are having these negative thoughts, please consider contacting Suicide Callback Service (call on 1300 659 467) or Lifeline on 13 11 14 or at Lifeline. Both services have counselors that specialize in assisting individuals experiencing suicidal thoughts.
 
We are also available anytime 24/7, you can contact Beyond Blue either via phone  1300 22 4636 or through Beyond Blue Online Chat. Please remember that you are not alone, and these services are here to support you and help you claw your way out from those thoughts and feelings.
 
If you have not used it before the Beyond Blue safety planning app might be worth looking at, too. Click here for more info. It can assist to manage the thoughts and urges before they become overwhelming.
 
Please remember that if you feel you are having trouble resisting urges to act on your negative thoughts or you do not feel safe, please call emergency services on 000.
 
Thank you again for joining our supportive community and sharing your experiences, we hope you find the shared insights and advice of our members helpful.
 
Warm regards
Sophie M

[james1]

Hello dwade3,

I'm so sorry to hear you have been struggling the last two years and it is getting worse. Sophie_M has made some good suggestions about some help lines you can call when you need, but I also wanted to make sure you feel welcome here in this thread.

It sounds like there has been a lot going on and I'm not sure if you've posted elsewhere about this before, but I'd welcome you to share here whatever you feel safe sharing. It might help us be a bit more specific. 

Otherwise, more generally, it would be good to hear if you have any support like any friends or family, or any doctors or health professionals, who know what is going on?

James

[therising]

Hi dwade3

I feel for you so much as you try so hard to manage everything that appears to be going wrong, while also managing the deeply intense challenges that can come with pure exhaustion and depression.

I wish, when growing up, I'd been told about how incredibly significant feelings are. It's often more so about being taught to ignore/dismiss them and suppress them, rather than being encouraged to rely on them. There's just no education. Then you can get to a point in life where, through a lack of education, they become overwhelming and you just don't know how to manage them.

Feelings are telling. They'll always tell us something. For example, we can be feeling (in general) 4 different things that are wrong in life. Getting a better sense of each of those 4 things becomes the goal, getting a better sense of their true nature. This is where 'Stop being so sensitive' becomes bad advice.

Sometimes, without realising

1. We could be sensing/feeling the sabotaging nature of friends who mean well but are steering us in completely the wrong direction, leading us to self doubt and/or self destructive habits
2. We could be sensing/feeling the dark side of human nature (materialistic, aggressive, narcissistic etc) without noticing the other side of human nature. The world will appear as a horrible place
3. We could be sensing/feeling not a single person around us making a difference in raising us to higher levels of self understanding, self acceptance and a sense of support
4. We could be sensing the 'lost' feeling that can come with standing still at crossroads in life (significant turning points)

I think one of the greatest challenges comes down to being able to sense when there's something wrong yet not being able feel exactly what it is or the right way forward beyond it.

To begin feeling differently, I found, came down to first acknowledging 'I experience life as a feeler and I am feeling my way through life, my path in life'. I can definitely feel when I'm off track, completely lost or heading south. Not a good feeling, that's for sure. Can feel deeply depressing at times.

[geoff]

Hello dwade3, we know exactly how you are feeling and very sorry that you have to go through this and at this particular time of the year can make your situation horribly worse, I wonder if this is the case.

Geoff.

Life Member.