Its All Happening Again

[janojas]

I have suffered from depression for most of my adult life, and it all hit its peak about 3 years ago when I become non functioning. Really handy when I was in the last year of a Uni course, but looking at a computer screen for 3 hours and writing one sentence(which didn't make sense) told me I was cooked. Everything in my life went to garbage, and as usual it was all my fault. I refused to talk to anyone, my daughter was terrified about what I was doing(I wouldn't eat), and my wife eventually gave up on me, and I couldn't blame her, as it was all me. I went to psychologist's(waste of my time, I have done plenty of psych interviews in my time as a nurse), and then a psychiatrist, who like my GP actually gave up on me.

I actually feel no ill will towards then as I was unreachable, and although I tried all the meds they put me on(anti depressives, anti anxiety and eventually anti psychotics to control my anxiety) nothing really worked. The only thing that worked for me was to shut myself off and embrace the very small support network I actually could deal with(my wife, my daughter and my Grandfather).

My wife had drifted away from me as she could not understand my weakness, as I had always been the strong one, but in my quiet emotionless way she stayed with me. Then my Grandfather died. I had been raised by my Grandparents from 2 months old, and when my Grandmother died when I was 20 it damn near killed me. But when my Grandfather died when I was 45 it was even worse, because he had become my main support structure, literally the only person I went to when things became difficult.

I now feel lost and lonely, and staring into the abyss, and all I see is black and empty. If not for my daughter I would dive into that abyss, she is my best excuse, but excuses are running out.

[blondguy]

Hi janojas

You have really been through some serious dark periods.....I do feel your pain...

Shutting yourself off and embracing even a small support network is a smart move and good on you. Can I ask what you meant by 'your weakness' when you were referring to your wife? (if thats okay)

I have had acute anxiety since 1983 when I was 23 and I found the psychologists a bit aloof even they were trying to help. The anxiety did vaporize after a while until the depression set in....doh!

I was very fortunate as I had a council based mental health worker (he was a kind and very talented psychiatric nurse) who insisted I see him every week for six months....He gave me my life back....

There are many kind people that can be here for you Janojas. The forums are also a judgemental free zone and are rock solid safe to ensure your privacy 🙂

My condolences for the loss of your grandmum and then your granddad

you are not alone here in any way

my kindest thoughts for you

Paul

[DV_Arjay]

I feel ya mate

Considering youve been like this for 3 or more years. And everythibg fails to work. Are you sure... youre not over thinking eveerything. what exactly is the main problem behind the depression.

Because from this post your depression is clearly something deeper that either you dont know or know but havent shared with psychiatrists.

As of right now. I slip from the grips of depression due to reasoning with legitimacy and for the sake of those around me. But i get tangled back into depression to a trigger.

I have 3 things that set it off. maybe more. ill share 1 being the case that im literally so disconnected from my family and seeing happy families around me at work kills me inside.

But yeah Janos

Do keep doing you and Do what makes you happy

[pipsy]

Hi janojas. You've had some interesting suggestions about how to overcome your feelings of lethargy/depression. May I inquire if your uni course was something you wanted to do? I presume it was a 3 to 4 year course. It almost seems as though you simply 'burned out'. Pressure of uni, study, were you working as well as that wouldn't have helped. Losing your g'parents added to your feelings of 'what am I doing with my life'. When you eventually spoke to the psychologist, were you able to talk about your g'parents death and how you felt over losing them? Psychologists often don't click if they don't fully get where you are coming from. This is no-one's fault, the patient can't tell them as they can't understand and the psych can only deal with what they're told. Depression, when it's really severe clouds our thinking and blocks our communication, stopping us from focussing. Were you able to mourn your g'parents death. Grief is a powerful emotion and brings some pretty heavy depression with it. Anger, guilt, denial, all these emotions need to be dealt with before we can move on. Shutting down is all you had left as there was no support for your grief. Where are you in regards to future plans for work etc. Perhaps a second visit to your Dr and asking for a referral to a grief counsellor might be an option. Grief counsellors actually deal directly with emotions from losing someone close. Our support line is available 24/7 for you to talk with someone who would listen and offer support and this also would help. It's possible your wife simply can't click as she can't feel what you feel. Again this is no reflection on you. Grief is also personal and everyone deals with it differently.

Lynda

[EN76]

Hi janojas,

Reading your post I see quite a few similarities to my current situation.

Like you, I have had no luck with Psychiatrists or phycologists and I shut everyone out - to the point at which my wife cant take much more.

I have once again turned to these great forums for non-judgmental support through a very difficult period.

Please let me know how you go with everything mate.