It's taking over me

[anitaL]

Hi, i'm Anita and I'm writing this because l don't know what else to do. I'm not sure if any of this is real or a desperate and pathetic cry for attention, either way l feel this is something that will help me.

I can't really remember when it started ( l don't remember things well, especially events that hurt me somehow ) but l remember feeling so alone and really, really wanting to end my life. I think it was in year 8. And l think it had partly something to do with bullying, can't be sure.

The next 'round' l remember was when my grandparents were staying with my family and l for half a year. We live in a really cramped apartment and l remember losing control of everything and feeling as if everything was crashing down on me. And feelings from year 8 started to emerge again. But things started to look up when, sorry for the stupid cheesiness of this, but l fell madly in love with this boy and vise versa. But, within a week he was out of my life comepletely and l lost it. Not because l loved him, but because the day he left was also the day, l cant remember but something bad happened with my family. I couldn't handle it and fell into a deep, deep, deep pit. THis time was different, l couldn't feel anything, everything was numb, so, so numb. This only thing l could feel was physical pain, l think l tried to self harm but l didn't go through with it. I couldn't stop crying, for no reason at all (l wasn't sad or angry, just numb). This round lasted longer than the last and was much, much more intense. I think l called a hotline when l was getting better, and that helped 🙂 I recommend people do it, the staff and really friendly and it helps a lot 🙂

Not many people knew about any of this, l only told one person, whom i've cut off relations with since for other reasons. Other people would have never suspected anything as l was the happiest kid in school. I was known for being constantly happy, smiling and laughing. All of which wasn't fake. I just never seemed to be able to be sad when l was arround people.

More recently, l lost self esteem little by little and just felt so lost. I never really felt like a fitted in. Even with my 'best friend' l still felt as if l had to pretend. Noticing small things like these took a huge toll and soon couldn't get rid of the feeling of feelling absolutely inadequet and just so worthless. Having 'perfect specimens of beauty, smartness and humanity' friends didn't help either. I could no longer hide like l used to. Tiny things like someone talking about depression or walking into a room and people acting as if l was invisible (which ironically is my greatest fear) would trigger day long bouts of uncontrolable crying, not being able to look at people. But l still felt happiness in the rare moments l wasn't noticing how my ex could stop looking at be 'best friend'. A couple of weeks ago l started year 12, and l haven't been able to shake the feeling of l don't even know. Shame? confusion? numbness? l don't live for anything, l don't look forward to the future (l ruin everything and everyone around me) Currently, this very second l don't want to die, but l know l did before as that was what promted me to write this, l don't want to be like this. It's controlling me, I used to be so happy and l would laugh and do stupid shit. L would laugh as the stupidest things, but l can't know. Everytime l let my guard down and laugh or someting l feel this huge gust and l literally feel as if im snapping back to reality, and l stop, because l say to myselt, 'laughing isn't for people like you, you don't deserve to laugh'. I don't know what to do. I have no motivation to do well in the most important year of schooling so far, and l can't even talk to my friends anymore. I avoid facebook as l find it so hard to pretend im alright and normal, chatting to people. I hardly post anything because l don't want to be judged. And when l do, l want to take it down as l can't deal with it. I FF****************KKKkk. I can't , l just. I don't know anymore.

Theres a lot l haven't mentioned, l just wrote whatever came into my head. I think, l hope, somehow that someone will read this and tell me that im going to be ok and not to kill myself and that im beautiful and sh*t. Its like a part of me knows ill be alright and shit, but when l leave the solace of my mind and into the real world. everything comes crashing down on me again. Anyways, if you've read all this, thanks 🙂 Thank you

l don't know what else to say so i'm posting it now.

[vip]

Hi Anita my first diagnosis with depression was at 17 I was a mess at highschool also and a victim of bullying at times also. best adfvice i can give you is to take yourself off to a gp and maybe get a referral to a psych to discuss how you are feeling maybe you cn take a family member with you for support it sounds like you have depression. Dont worry about being judged on this forum all of us here are in the same boat as you I am 39 now and have lived with depression for 22 yrs so i struggle with the simple things also. You will get through this first step to recovery is speaking about it which you have now getting the professional help is important so please make that next move. Take care xx

[ModeratorC]

Hi Anita,

Thankyou for posting on the Beyondblue website. We are writing to you as we would like to ensure that you get the right support and help.

What you have described sounds like it has been very difficult for you. We are here to support you and we hope that on the beyondblue website you find that there are others that are also going through the same thing and will be able to provide you with some support too. 

Have you considered going to your school counsellor for some support? You could also go to your GP if you prefer. Both of these people can help you by doing a mental health assessment and referring you for whatever help you may need. Depression looks different in everyone, but some of the symptoms you describe may be part of depression. We do know though that depression can be treated and with the right support symptoms can go away. When we are down and low it is normal for people to start to experience some suicidal thoughts. Again, the good news is that when you get treated for the depression the symptoms (ie suicidal thinking) will also go away.

If you need some support more quickly please consider calling lifeline on 131114 or the Beyondblue telephone service who can help you to find a local service to get support 1300 22 4636

[anitaL]

Hi Nes,

thanks for posting, it means a lot to me. I'm sorry you've been battling this for so long, it must have been so difficult at times. But you story gives me some sort of hope 🙂 Hopefully one day you can post about your successful recovery 🙂

The idea of getting professional help is not an option for me. I can't deal with talking about 'this' to someone face to face. The idea seems completely insane to me. I think it has something to do with the shame l feel? guilt? others knowing about this? I'm not sure why l fear seeking help, but l know it's definitely not the answer at the moment. But thanks for your concern

Stay strong, take care xx

[anitaL]

Hi, thanks for the reply,

I don't think l could handle talking to someone face to face about this. I replied to a post from 'Nes' about this.

Amazingly, after posting last night, for the first time l could concentrate on things without an overwhelming, hopless feeling washing over me. :))

So l'll see how things pan out. Unless things turn really ugly, seeking professional help isn't really an option for me, for many reasons.

Regards

[geoff]

dear Anita, well your story is heart breaking for such a young lady, and it saddens me so much for young people to be struck down with depression, because it's a long road ahead.

I'm 59, yeh, I know an old fellow and I was diagnosed with depression back in .95, but I know that it goes back way further than that, so I didn't get any help until the mid 90's, and looking back I was silly not to get any help, maybe denial was the problem.

When you are someone your age one problem builds onto another one so eventually it's all too much and then you fall into a heap, and then suffer from all the characteristics that depression has, and it makes us struggle, we can't work out why, but it's too late, before we know it the beast has arrived to put a hold on us.

I understand what it feels like living with either grandparents or someone else, as I hated it myself, there was no freedom, and all the questions they ask and comment on suggesting that what ever we want to do is always wrong, so they treat us like babies and restrict us so much.

We finally work out that our fake statue, fake laughs and fake smile and decide that 'laughing isn't for people like you, you don't deserve to laugh', so we feel guilty and work out that we have to hide from everyone, because this is what makes us feel at ease.

There is so much in your post and I know that you are so disillusioned with all that has happened, which means that you have so much more you want to say, so please come back to us and tell us.

You have put your feelers out, hoping to see whether people would respond to your comment, and it's a very concerning post, and we want to help you to overcome these awful experiences, so I hope that you do. Geoff. x