It's like looking from the outside in and it is not you

NellieJ · ‎04-06-2014

I've been on and off this site that many times.Scared and nervous about what to say, here goes. There are times when I feel happy, but there is an enormous amount of times that I just don't feel right. I can't concentrate on things, feel restless a lot of the time, burst into tears at the slightest, and not know why. I think not knowing why I have these feelings is the thing that worries me the most. Which just makes me feel even worse. Sometimes when I have been sitting with friends, everyone is laughing and having a good time. I get the feeling of isolation. I then put on a front that I'm enjoying what is going on. It's like looking from the outside in and it is not you. It's like being on a roller coaster. I can exude confidence really well and hide the way I feel, but inside my stomach in churning. My father died back in 1995 and I have just neverI really felt the same. Here I am yet again looking for reasons/excuses for the way I feel. I'm unsure of myself nearly all the time. I go through mood changes where I get this strong "not a problem" "whats the worst that can happen" attitude, a sort of high, then I go downhill fast and the wave of uncertainty comes back full on. I more times than not have a feeling of unsettled nerves. Small things that most people seem to just handle, set me off, making me so stressed that I cant eat, sleep and break out into cold sweats. I'm scared for some reason of going to a GP, fear of what to say. Any advise or help would be greatly appreciated.

White_Rose · ‎23-08-2015

Dear Nellie

It's lovely to hear from you again, although a sad reason. I am really glad you wrote in again.

Psychs can be so painful at times. Life seems so easy for them in many ways. They can understand why they get upset and miserable, or so it seems. So often they give the impression you should know what's wrong with you. Well if we knew that the psychs would soon be out of a job.

All the thoughts and feelings you describe are common for depression. I think I have said that before but I want you to know you are not strange or different or stupid or have any of the attributes you mention. You are an ordinary person coping with one of the most pernicious illnesses around. The Black Dog, depression, attacks and bites anyone it wants. And since it is invisible you have no idea where it comes from.

I have been seeing a psych for two years. I mentioned him in an earlier post about how he showed me what CBT was about. He has sent me to another psych who has a different area of expertise, domestic violence. You would laugh to see how much I, metaphorically, kicked and screamed about seeing her. I wanted to stay with the person I have come to know and feel comfortable with. I have seen this new person five times and it was only at the last session that I realised I had relaxed. She worked very hard to help me get to this position.

I am saying this because I feel this is the way to manage a therapy session. It's no good jumping in with both feet and expecting the client to have any idea of what is going on. You need to talk about your life in general, what makes you laugh and cry, how you spend your day, what hobbies you have. I don't mean as a series of questions, but general chat. That way you both get to establish some sort of rapport.

I remember you live in a small town with a quick turnover of GPs. Has there been a new GP since you talked about your depression? I hope so. In any event you do need to start the process all over again. It's worth the effort to go to the nearest larger town to see a GP if necessary and to start seeing a new psychologist. I know this hard for you but please give it your best shot.

You are using an enormous amount of your energy in keeping up a happy front. This is undoubtedly one reason why you feel so down. It is not necessary for you to know why you feel the way you do. That's the job of the psych and GP to find out. It's what they get paid the big bucks for.

Now I'm almost out of allowance. Please write in again.

Love, Mary

NellieJ · ‎24-06-2018

It's been a while since I was on this site. After a couple of years of holding things together, just, the last few months have all just come down around me, yet again. I've tried to work things through like the therapist told me a few years ago, but it just seems to be so much more overwhelming this time. I just feel so unsettled and the worst thing is I can't put my finger on what the problem is and burst into tears at the slightest. I mislaid our house key the other week and went into complete meltdown thinking the worst. "Someone finds it, breaks in, attacks us, the works"... I spent the next few days turning our house upside down looking for it, looking in areas that I knew that it could not possibly be. It felt like I was possessed. Later to find it under a couple of envelopes on a shelf where we usually keep it. I just can't concentrate on anything which requires lots of thought. Even just trying to figure out what to prepare for dinner is a struggle. I stand looking in the fridge at all the food but can't think what to do with it. When I go to bed it takes me for ever to relax enough to fall asleep and then when I do get to sleep its only for a couple of hours after which I wake up with a racing heart and a mind which has a worst case scenario outcome on just about everything that I think of. I've tried relaxation music and the likes but nothing really works. I have churned myself up so much that my stomach feels like it is in a state of constant nervous butterflies which in turn has made me feel yuk, which in turn makes me worry even more. It just feels like being in an endless tunnel with no light at the end. I look around and see people enjoying their life and wonder if I am ever going to be able to get that type of enjoyment and peace. I am finding myself not wanting to socialise with anyone and when I do have to, it's me putting on a front that all is "great" yet again. I feel quite hopeless at the moment. Each day it just feels like I'm going through the paces. I hear people talk about working through these feelings and living normal lives. I'm struggling to believe that I will actually ever get there.

White_Rose · ‎24-06-2018

Dear Nellie

So good you have the courage to return here so we can help and support you. I had to smile, nicely, at your list of difficulties. Not because they are funny but because that's what happens to me. Somehow we start to believe we are the only people with that particular problem and therefore it's up to us to fix ourselves. Definitely not true.

It's like having the 'flu or a broken leg and because you cannot see anyone with the same problem you try to act like all those people who are walking around quite normally. In reality those who are sick are in bed getting well which why you don't see them.

You have struggled for what, four years without finding someone to help you. Can you consider seeing a psychiatrist? I know that word scares the daylights out of some folk but it's really not scary at all. I went to a psychiatrist several years and saw her every fortnight. For various reasons I see her every week at the moment, unless it's school holidays when she has time off.

I re-read the posts above and I have to agree with myself, talking to someone who expects you to know the answers in advance is an idiot. After all, why are you going there? Meeting new doctors of any sort is hard work, or at least that has been my experience. When my GP left the practice about eight months ago I felt totally abandoned, which is one of the reasons I see the psych more frequently.

The advantages of seeing a psychiatrist are:

You only need one referral per year.
There is no limit on the number of sessions you have during the year.
Medicare gives you a refund for every visit, while you can only have ten Medicare supported sessions in one year. I find this a waste of time for anyone with long term needs.
The psychiatrist is a doctor and can prescribe medication and monitor how you are going.
They are more likely to treat you by looking at your life events and the effect of these events rather than jumping straight into exercises and homework.
You are not expected to know the answers although you do need to be open with the psych and put in the effort to understand why you feel, think and behave the way you do.

Talking about your life and especially stories from your life are helpful to you and your therapist. MAy I suggest you think about this.

Mary