Hi all,
So it’s been a while since I posted. About a year actually. I was doing really well for a while there, but I was continually struggling with working away from home (DIDO and then FIFO) and just found my job wasn’t fulfilling me enough and I couldn’t stand being away from my boyfriend, friends and family all the time.
so I made a massive decision to pursue my dream of becoming a high school teacher. So at Christmas I packed in the FIFO gig and threw out my hi-vis, and come the 4th of January I started my Masters in Secondary Education.
I’m now into my second term, week 5, and I’m struggling. Now I KNEW I would struggle, because I don’t do uncertainty, and I don’t do uni very well. It’s a recipe for disaster with me. But wow, I did not expect it to be this hard! I thought I struggled through my engineering degree... Well this Masters is so much harder!
There’s just no break, it’s full on and I’m struggling to maintain the workload whilst working part time. But even if I wasn’t working at all, I would still struggle with the workload. I just can’t seem to keep my mind focused on my study. I’m always stressing about work, life, my boyfriend (he’s struggling with depression and anxiety now too), and whatever else my mind can bring up. I’m worried I’m not going to like being a teacher, and I haven’t got another plan so if this fails, it’s back to mining, which I left for a reason! So I’m feeling pressured to have this work out but it’s just freaking me out!
I’ve been seeing my psych regularly, I’m trying to get additional help with my studies wherever possible but it’s tricky as I’m a fully online student so there’s no face to face classes.
I guess what I’m saying is, I’m freaking out big time. What if this doesn’t work out? What am I supposed to do then? Why is this so hard for me? Why can’t I be like everyone else seems to be and just get through study like a normal person? Why is my brain so under developed emotionally? Why do I find this so difficult? Will it ever end? Will there always be something wrong with me?
The questions never end, it’s just this steady stream of ‘what if’s and ‘why’s. I’m feeling so deflated, a shell of the person I was. I have no confidence in myself, I feel lost and alone, and trapped. I feel like I can’t turn to my usual network of friends and family for help because I use them too much.
I don’t know how to go through this 😞
Maui
