Since I was 14 I have battled with depression. It seems to be mostly seasonal and most of the time I have been able to live quite successfully despite at times feeling completely flat. At the worst times I have had temporary relief with medication and counselling.
In January 2012 I left my home country and moved to Australia. After a few months of severe homesickness I finally felt good about what I'd achieved. I have a great job, a nice little house that I rent, an amazing partner of five years and I'm finally starting to make friends, though I'm still finding it hard to open up too much or let myself get close with anyone in particular. My partner has been my rock since moving here and our relationship has grown immensely in the last two years.
At the start of this year I experienced panic attacks for the first time. The attacks came primarily at night, I would find my mind flooded with thoughts of a world riddled with war, famine, destroyed natural environment, disease, drought and poverty. All I could think about was how and when I would lose everything I have worked so hard for, how my partner might drop dead and leave me alone in a strange place, how my whole family would die all at once or how I might lose control of my mind completely and end up in a padded cell. My thoughts were of nothing specific in the long term, any scenario that could come to mind would and I found myself unable to sleep, breath or keep myself together. With the help of a psychologist I learned relaxation techniques and soon I was without panic attacks.
A couple of months back I was feeling good. I was about to start taking dance lessons with friends, we were all looking forward to having a laugh and meeting new people. Halfway through the class the familiar feeling came back, my chest tightened, my vision blurred, I couldn't breath properly and I felt like I would collapse. I ran outside and was found later on in tears by my partner and friends. The next week another attack hit before class, so I never went back. Since then, any scenario out of my normal routine has caused the same reaction. I cannot even go on my friends boat, and I was partly raised on the water!
Now I am worn out. I have difficulty concentrating at work, I am constantly tired, I have no motivation to exercise when before all this I was well on my way to being able to run for half an hour non stop for the first time in my life. I feel I have little control over my thoughts and I am scared to make the most basic decisions. I cannot trust my own judgements anymore and I forget things easily. Depression is once again taking over and I fear I don't have what it takes to beat both depression and anxiety. My biggest worry is that even if I do get better it will again only be for a short time. I am seeing a psychologist who is again taking me through CBT training (for the third time in my life) but none of it seems to stick. I can feel myself getting worse day by day and I don't know what to do about it, or if I am capable of doing anything about it!
I am tired of fighting, it's all getting too much, I just want peace.
