Is work making me depressed or is my depression making work hard?

[Eagle2022]

I’m severely depressed. I haven’t felt this bad in a long time. Getting out of bed for work is an absolute torment. I’m struggling at work, doubting everything I do, second guessing myself self, reluctant to engage with people.  But I can’t work out if it’s work itself that’s making me depressed or if my depression is totally clouding my judgement at work.  I suspect it is both. I feel like quitting work but I obviously can’t. I can’t talk to anyone at work as it will go against me to admit how I’m feeling. So everyday I have to pretend and get through the day but I’m absolutely exhausted and I really want to go to sleep and not wake up. I feel immensely guilty for feeling that way because my beautiful children deserve a better version of me. I just cannot work out how to find myself. I’m completely lost. I can’t breathe, sleep, eat, think. I don’t know what it feels like to laugh. I can’t feel anything. I just feel dead inside. 

[therising]

Hi Eagle 2022

I feel for you so much as you struggle in so many ways, mentally, physically, emotionally and even in a soulful kind of way. Not being able to feel a sense of connection to life would have to be one of the most soul destroying feelings when it comes to depression.

As a 52yo gal who's faced ins and outs regarding depression since my late teens, I've discovered for myself so many different reasons for depression/s over the years. While some were obvious, others weren't so obvious. The less obvious ones involved things like

• how inner dialogue doesn't start off as obviously dark but it gradually shifts in that direction without you realising
• how certain mental programs/beliefs can interfere with being able to evolve through and beyond certain challenges
• How vital certain skills are in life and the consequences of not having ever been taught them
• how energy itself plays a part in life and depression

and the list goes on.

Based on energy coming in so many different forms and it impacting so much of who we are, it can be a major player in relation to depression. I had no idea how important the chemical energy involved in B12 was until I found myself with a deeply depressing lack of it. Had no idea about the energy produced through good quality sleep until a depressing level of sleep apnea became a thing in my life. Energy input and production create excitement in every cell in the body. With you mentioning a change in your breathing, sleep and eating (among other things), they're 3 of the many keys that promote energy - oxygen, plugging in at night and 'recharging' and different forms of necessary chemical input. Using up a lot of energy through work, emotional charges (such as guilt), problem solving, taking care of a family along with not generating more or putting enough in makes it understandable that you're not just tired, you're trying your hardest to function in 'flat battery' mode. It's so hard to describe to someone how seriously depressing that mode can become and feel. The way it begins to mess with inner dialogue can be a brutal side effect. If exciting levels of energy lead us to feel full of life, next to no energy is definitely something that can be felt too. Another way of putting it is 'I cannot feel myself as being alive'.

'How to come back to life?' (in more ways than one) becomes the question.

[Bob_22]

Hi Eagle2022,

It sounds like you're going through a lot at the moment. Whether it's depression making work difficult or the other way around it is important you seek help regardless. Lack of concentration, indecisiveness, trouble getting out of bed and guilt are all recognised signs of depression and/or other mental health issues. I would recommend going to your GP and sharing what you are going through. They can make an appropriate referral.

They will most likely ask you to fill out questions similar to this as well as others: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/mental-health/mental-health-check-in-k10 

I experienced alot of similar things to you while I was at uni before I got help for my depression. Everything became a lot easier at uni and work once I started treatment (for me this included medication). Here is some more information about treatment for depression: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/mental-health/depression/treatments-for-depression 

In the meantime, it might be best to approach your workplace about any support you can receive at work. This could potentially mean receiving an Employee Assistant Program (EAP). Also if you need to talk to someone or are having dark thoughts please have a chat with one of the counsellors here at beyond blue by going here: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/talk-to-a-counsellor 

Have a look and let us know how you go.

Bob

[james1]

Hi Eagle2022,

I'm so sorry to hear how depressed you are feeling right now. You've described so many feelings and thoughts that I also had when I was severely depressed. I really hope you can find some comfort here, in a community that understands where you are coming from.

As you have suggested, depression can be quite a cyclical thing where it clouds your judgement in every day life which just makes everything feel even harder. I found myself feeling quite lost at times, not really sure what to do. I think the best thing when you feel lost is to try and get help. It's too hard to try and do things alone, especially if you have others you're trying to take care of as well. 

While these forums are an amazing source of support, I would also suggest a doctor or even the phone lines like BeyondBlue's 1300 224 636. It might not feel immediately helpful, but every little bit adds up over time. If you have any trusted friends or family, I imagine they would also want to help if they knew how much you were suffering. 

Let us know how you are going.

James