Is this really depression or something else, what should I do?

[Alyca]

I seriously can't tell anymore.

I have this constant emptiness(maybe vulnerbility) and anxious feeling gnawing at me. It might alleviate some time, but it will grow back.

I don't dare to go to sleep unless I'm tired enough to fall asleep in a manner of seconds, or go quiet and do any quality works even if I really want to.

I had to always watching something or forcing my mind both not to think and not to stop at the same time (Like watching TV), or the darkness and emptiness will find its way and seep in, making me feel anxious, scared, cold and meaningless.

The smallest thing can set me off, and I'm constantly sensing and worrying about things that can go wrong, feeling I'm not prepared for such accidents or mishaps, no matter how slim the chances are. In fact I can't tell whether the chances are small or not, after all there is something called Murphy's Law. And this renders all my efforts, as everything, as long as it can go wrong, will go wrong. How can anyone make anything absolutely perfect?

So it's always there, this gnawing voice, this very deep level of emptiness, powerless, and this angst, I can't even know the reason because anything can lead to that. In this case living alone is burdensome, for the future to me is not something to be looking forward to but something to be feared.

I tried to talk to the family, none of them understand what I was saying, for they don't have the same problem. So all they can say is stop worrying, or you are worry about nothing.

Does anyone here know about this kind of situation? Please share if there is a cure for that.

[geoff]

Hello Alyca, thanks for coming to the forums and posting your comment.

I'm sorry for how you are feeling and living alone may sound to be a good idea but it does have its drawbacks but these could be due to a lack of determination caused by not feeling well.

Can I please suggest you book an appointment with your doctor and ask them about the 'mental health plan' which will offer you 10 Medicare paid sessions per year to see a psychologist/psychiatrist.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[blackdog4]

I understand you, though it may not exactly be the same situation but honestly when I’m watching tv, it’s not like I’m watching... I’m just sitting there feeling empty, and my mind feeling nothing but blank... sometimes I hear a buzzing sound as well... to beat the emptiness is to find something for yourself... try and understand yourself and learn what you most love or enjoy in the world... fill the emptiness with something that makes you happy... it will be a long journey my friend BUT sometimes when there’s emptiness, there’s space!

[Alyca]

Thank you both for your help and sorry this takes so long.

Blackdog4,

I'm actively using TV or music as a distraction, or an escape, because with them there still is something going on, some voice, some infomation or stimulus coming in. Without them, I can drown in my own thoughts and probably die already.

And I do know there are plenty things I'd love doing, it's just that I can't, I can't concentrate or focus long enough before my thoughts drag me down, saying 'what's the point, you'll never achieve anything, there is no escape, you'll give up and feeling worse', something like that. This emptiness comes from beyond, when deep down I know nothing is real nothing is more than dopamine pumping through our brain, and I can't get any, at least not enough for me to feel good, no matter what I try.

Geoff,

I tried that, and after 2 sessions the therapist said he has nothing for me and recommend me to try something as hypnosis. But I do find out besides happiness(esctasy), I also couldn't feel much of other intense feelings such as excitment, terror, grief, or even love(Real ones).That is to say if I'm to ride a rollar coaster I won't fear or get excited, the only thing I'd consider is if it's going to cause physical pain to my heart condition. So just emptiness and anxious and depression for me I guess.