Is the fog lifting?

Leigh1987 · ‎15-09-2020

I have a question I would like to pose to anyone who has successfully found their way out of a depressive episode.

What changes did you first notice when a depressive episode was reaching it's conclusion? My follow up question would be how did you make the most of the changes to continue on the path to mental health?

I have been in the midst of a severe depressive episode for years now so for a long time the world has been a murky, foggy, isolated hell. Lately however I have noticed some changes in how I relate to the world. Formerly I was using my television to create noise to keep me company and distract me from my obsessive thoughts. It didn't matter what I watched, I mostly watched the same things over and over actually, the familiarity was a source of comfort. Over just the last week I have come to realise I am watching things out of a genuine interest again. And not only that but I can concentrate for lengths of time when the viewing material engages me. It may be a pleasurable activity for me again.

This seems like a small victory but it appears to me to be like a light finally shining through that fog of disconnection and despair. Should I take this to be an early step in recovery? Or is it possibly just a freak lull in symptoms? Either way what can I do to take advantage of this slither of sunshine between barely parted clouds?

I am incomprehensibly excited that I have finally enjoyed something again even if it is something as basic as watching tv. It has ignited a flicker of hope no matter how small.

Tangney · ‎15-09-2020

Hello Leigh1987. I'm someone that does not respond well to medication and I've never really found a psychologist/psychiatrist that I've felt comfortable with, despite decades of searching. Through many of the very bad episodes that I've experienced over my life, I've found that it would start to lift only after quite a lot of time had passed. When I feel a lifting of the burden, which might last a short amount of time at first, I try to do things that I've been putting off or really need to be done, things that I'm incapable of doing while I'm in the depths of despair. This provides a sense of achievement, even if the thing that needs doing is just washing some dishes or getting dressed. Doing something productive during these times when I feel lighter is important to me. Eventually, I start to have more days where things are better, even if only a little bit. I'm going through this pattern now. Today has been ok, nothing outstanding or great, but not too bad, as was yesterday. The day before yesterday started off ok, but my mood went downwards as the day went on and I dwelt on things, much as you describe watching the same tv shows over again and not really concentrating. Last week was variable. I don't know what tomorrow will be like. 6 weeks ago, I was completely debilitated. These past 6 months have been the worst I've had for a very long time. But right now, I'm not completely debilitated and even if tomorrow isn't very good, I don't think that I'll be completely debilitated. This is progress compared to where I was three months ago. My history is that these episodes resolve over time and some episodes take longer to resolve than others. I've learned not to force myself to do things that I'm not really up to doing, as this is how I would treat myself with any other illness. Sometimes, if I'm starting to feel better, I decide to just stay with that and not push. For example, if I don't feel like risking being sociable, I don't. I've found that, in the past, when forcing myself to be "normal" when I'm actually still quite unwell, I've ended up relapsing, so now I take things really slowly on my way out of these dark places. This is probably an unorthodox approach, and isn't for everyone, but I hope you can take something from it. It has worked for me in the past and I expect that it will be the same this time - eventually.

therising · ‎16-09-2020

Hi Leigh1987

I've found 'under the circumstances' to be helpful.

Under the circumstances of a significant shift in chemistry, we can be either feeling heaven on earth or hell. Under the circumstances of not being able to identify a challenge that has the potential to provide mind altering enlightenment, we can be feeling left 'in the dark'. If we do identify a challenge yet no one will help us make a positive difference to our life through it, under the circumstances of being left helpless, this can potentially be depressing. If we're emotionally exhausted/numb, under the circumstances it can be challenging to feel 'alive'.

I often feel compelled to explore my circumstances, so as to understand why I'm ticking the way I am. Such exploration often begins with wonder. I can remember first coming out of depression some years ago. This happened in group therapy, where we all expressed sharing the same traits. Long story short, I thought 'If these are the traits of depression and they're not my traits, then who am I?' The quest began. I recall what it felt like to come to life, yet not everyone shared my great excitement. Under the circumstances of people telling me 'I can't get used to this, I prefer the old you', I could feel myself slipping back. It was a potentially depressing time. I never wondered why I was slipping back, instead 'What's wrong with me?' became my question. It wasn't until some years later that I wondered what exactly happened during this time. In turn, I discovered the reason for why everything played out the way it did.

It can be hard to recognise inspiration at times. Inspiration will often come at our lowest point before a shift. It becomes a matter of interpretation. Eg: 'This is hopeless. Nothing's working' can translate as 'There is no hope in what's not working. Search for what works' or 'The things I used to love don't excite me anymore' can translate as 'I need to add ventures, not repeat the same unexciting ones'.

With you currently being inspired to wonder why you feel the way you do and wonder what will lead you to not slip back into the depression, the question could be 'What is it that inspires me to wonder, in my quest for answers? What is this naturally wonderful part of me? Is this a part of my nature that has the potential to make all the difference?' Even wondering 'Why the sudden down shift and how can I manage not sinking down any further?' can lead to shorter episodes and even ones of fascinating revelation.

🙂

geoff · ‎16-09-2020

Hello Leigh, I'm sure this is a question people are eager to know but the outcome would vary from how old you, the weather conditions and the circumstances you're in, however, besides that it's still a good question.

A slight improvement is always a great start, because it takes you out of being negative and turning this into being positive but you need to understand that this may only happen for a short time, day 1, but day 2 it could be a few times, so yes the fog could be lifting, and in saying this, the negative aspects don't seem to be as bad as they were before.

If watching a program on TV begins to enthral your attention (not any bad news) then any stimulus is the beginning.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

If you'd like to tell us a little more about 'these obsessive thoughts'.

White_Rose · ‎16-09-2020

Hello Leigh

I see you have received several answers with different aspects being explored. That alone I feel is good news because it means we are all different and progress in different ways with different outcomes. The only thing I would like to be the same is the joy we feel when we have finally (or near enough) reach the other side of depression.

Your post sounds very positive which is very good news. Congratulations. I was very depressed for many years and believed that was how it would always be. In fact I am unsure if I could remember being happy or pleased.

I am not a fan of medication for any ailment but I like to think I am realistic. So I will take antibiotics etc when I need them. Taking antidepressants was always a struggle as I had so many really bad side effects. However my GP put me on to a different group of AD and I started to thrive. That was the beginning of my journey to wellness. It took a while and I went back and forth a few times, though mainly due to circumstances beyond my control. For example I was prescribed meds after my surgery for breast cancer. No doubt it was good for me but that and the AD I was taking did not get on with each other and I fell down in a huge heap.

As you were describing above I realised I had better days, then, weeks etc. I stopped the cancer pills and started on this new AD. It's been great. I feel more relaxed and positive about life. On those days when I feel a bit rough I am able to look at what is happening in my life and see what is causing the distress. Even better I can do something about it.

I often tell people that AD do not 'cure' depression but does help to build a platform to work from. Once I was taking an AD that gave me a bit of peace/relaxation/quietness in my head and most of all joy in being alive I was off and running. Like you I had times of joy and even when the depression came back I knew I was winning overall. One of the nicer things was the smiles on the faces of my friends and family as they rejoiced with me. There may be better moments in our lives but that one is right up there.

I think I have answered your question about is this the beginning of the end for the depression. I would say yes because you have experienced this since you became depressed. Please remember to tell yourself on the bad days that they will pass and you will be happy again. That is very important.

Mary

Gonetroppo · ‎16-09-2020

I think that the experience is different for people with bipolar disorder - at least it is for me. There's no gradual shift in mood - you can go from basement to ceiling in a matter of hours. I can go through periods where I can barely get out of bed in the morning. Then one day, I'll get out of bed fully energized and be bouncing off the walls by the end of the day. It works the other way too. Manic episodes rarely end with a gradual return to normal. They usually end with a crash.

Leigh1987 · ‎16-09-2020

I have never found AD that works for me either. I can't tell the difference between taking the medication or not once the side effects abate. I do think the only "cure" for depression I have found is to change my perspective.

Once I stop viewing my problems as things that must be overcome to achieve that evershifting goal of happiness I find the rumination and obsessive thoughts ease naturally. Once my dwelling eases I find it easier to focus so I can involve myself once again in activities and derive pleasure from them.

Truly the most painful symptom I experience is the lack of concentration particularly when my short term memory also becomes compromised. Once that symptom is reducing I am able to see my way out of depression again.

I relate very much to what you said about not being able to remember what it feels like to be happy and to enjoy aspects of life. This is what saps away the sufferers hope. Maybe that little twinge of hope is all it takes to begin on the path towards recovery.

Leigh1987 · ‎16-09-2020

Hey Geoff! Thanks for chiming in!

If you would like to hear more about my obsessive thinking here goes!

It all starts when I identify a problem in my life that may be compromising my ability to be as happy and functional as I like. It begins healthy enough it's normal to want to overcome obstacles right? So I start researching for answers and utilising whatever resources I can find to address this issue. And little by little it starts to dominate my waking life to the extent I can't think about anything else except locating that solution.

This leads to a downward spiral as it triggers feelings of hopelessness and helplessness if I am unable to solve this problem that seems bigger by the day. Eventually I slide into full-blown depression and now have the additional issue of mental illness to worry about!

So for me the very basis of depression from start to finish is dwelling . And allowing that rumination to dominate my every waking moment.

therising · ‎16-09-2020

Hi Leigh1987

With the dwelling aspect and the need to find solutions, would you say this is like obsessive wondering, in a way? Do you start off basically curious before things become obsessive? Are you an analytical type of person? Now, this may sound like an unusual question but are you somewhat of a daydreamer as well?

Leigh1987 · ‎17-09-2020

My dwelling begins with curiousity and identification of a problem.

I am definitely a day dreamer when I am healthy haha. When I am depressed all my mental energy is dedicated to my ruminations.