Is that it, I mean is survival the only thing?...

[Sharny]

Forgive me if I'm not grateful for my life in advance. I am grateful for all that I have but it's the ME bit I've never settled with. I go through the motions, go through the necessary things in life and feel settled that I can achieve them. I can look after a house, children and a husband. Over the years I've found new ways of coping with stress and my first thought each day is centered around finding the most effective ways to combat stress, or at least what my brain perceives as possible stress. I'm well aware that others might not find some things that I do as a stressor but I've learnt that I can't afford to focus on their ways because I'm not them.

All I can do is focus on myself, the children and my husband. I've dabbled here and there increasing my duties outside of home etc and for the most part coped ok.

The nagging thought I have though in life right now is, is that what my existence is? I mean, is it just survival or will I get further nourishment to top me up? It's like my brain is not getting the feel good endorphin mix, I take a sauna and swim but don't get long term nourishment, I ride my bike but only feel temporary pleasure, I make my jewellery but the creative side fills me only for a second. My brain seems to feel devoid, depleated of a long term satisfaction. I worry that despite me doing things with my children, asking them about their day and generally being there for them that they feel my dissatisfaction some how. My thick skinned sort of strength though keeps me forcing myself to accept things and keep moving forward or along. I use keeping out of hospital as a yard stick for my own success in dealing with mental illness but sometimes wonder if this is acceptable line of thinking. Again, its all survival based living.

Again, I sound like I'm complaining, I should not. It's just a genuine question because I'm doing all the things I can to live a life of harmony but my ability to really feel things is lacking right now.

Most people accomodate a broken leg, arm or the like. With mental illness, it's just not possible to get an undertstanding going.

How do people out there with mental illness get your struggle across, get an understanding going without upsetting people of what you can cope with?

I actually just feel really lonely right now. We have to exist with people, they are in our lives.

[Guest_128]

Hey Sharna,

Thankyou,you are not alone!

Later

[Sharny]

Hi V,

Thank you for your reply to my post. After apologizing earlier about my non reply to yourself and others , I would like to reply now and hope that's okay since it's awkwardly late.

I find it interesting in your post you mentioned finding peace in accepting your illness once you'd got more understanding of it and how it affects you on all levels. I admire that you've found some peace and acceptance, that benefits you as a person in so many ways because having the illness itself is enough to bare. Anything else to soften the edges around what you are constantly dealing with has to set you up for a better quality of life. I think you are a strong person to seek help, seek understanding and then accept your situation. It provides yourself kindness.

I have not been able to fully 'accept' my illness yet and as a consequence I believe it has added pressure, pressure to be this wholesome figure to my family without imperfections of mental illness. To be kind to ourselves we first need to accept what we are dealing with no matter what.

You mentioned about questioning our existence as people, not being able to finger point what's missing. Indeed, that's been nagging me for years as well. It was a question I thought may be only affected those dealing with mental health issues but realize it's not just us it extends probably to many people. I think perhaps mental health issues can create a platform for over thinking it at times. I know that over the years I have jotted down everything I'd been involved in, almost like some verification to myself of what I'd accomplished. It was so damn important to me. Important to prove what I could keep up with. Recently I realized that my kids, husband don't look at the list I created, they already accept me. It's myself that does not accept who I am, that's the problem. With more work I'll hopefully accept the real me.

Thank you V

Sharny.

[Sharny]

Hi Mary,

As I have apologized earlier I would still like to reply to your initial post even though it's further down the track now. Hoping this is welcome.

You mentioned needing to be around people during depression finding things that were helpful to others gave you a purpose. I find this interesting and strikes me how apparent it is that each person that deals with mental health issues is so unique and responds so differently. My natural feeling when in very deep depressive state was to withdraw, at my worst completely. Thankfully I've been able to maintain a network and not become so withdrawn that I'm in total seclusion although still find it difficult at times on a smaller scale keeping up and long for quiet.

You also mention about animal shelters, tutoring etc. I've been actively involved for a number of years in both children's play groups, kinder and schools with a variety of programs voluntarily in literacy support, reading group, sports assistance, craft club, school swimming, costume making and school committee's. I had to slow right down at the end of last year though and balance things out as it was getting too top heavy for me. I agree though, helping others as you suggest is a great move. I gained purpose and reward knowing I was involved and helping for sure. I think just finding the right balance so as to not over load as well is important.

I think about what it will be like when my children move on as my focus will change too as they grow up. I'm trying not to think too far ahead!! When I say that, it's great to have a future plan but right now I'm trying to keep 'current' without over planning as I'll get all tied up in knots!!

All the best and thank you,

Sharny.

[Sharny]

Hi B2B,

As I mentioned earlier on my apologies for the late reply and thank you for your suggestions.

You suggested to take some time and stop trying to figure out what it is I need to feel fulfilled. I think that whilst it's great to have things on our plate, taking time to stop focusing on what will fill up the bucket of fulfillment is also a great suggestion. I've been trying to settle myself for two months or so into a night routine of a one hour netflix episode to look forward to each night after kids are in bed. Sounds silly but I have not been able to relax much in the past 6 months at night constantly walking around finding things to tinker with etc. The series I have chosen has allowed me time to just 'sit' and escape into a fictional state of being instead of constantly thinking of what needs doing. It would seem easy to some but I have not been able to fully relax for a while.

All the best,

Sharny

[Sharny]

Hi Paul,

I'd like to reply properly to you even though it's awkwardly late. I hope you are well and thank you for your suggestions above. I agree that there are too many very busy people. I think it's about priorites, balance etc. I have felt much shame at times for seemingly not being able to keep up a fierce pace and pay a price late last year after putting MYSELF in a situation of doing far too much. I'd like to think I've got a better mix going on right now, better mix of activity more achievable to cope with weekly.

We do live in a fast paced society but ultimately we decided really how much to take on. Only ourselves can adjust things to suit. I have not got all the answers by far but have made a couple of adjustments which have allowed more breathing space to slow the pace.

You asked whether husband is a solid support. Yes, he's working full time with a 60 hour week so his own agenda is pretty heavy. Despite this, he is still available and offers much support and suggestion. My husband has taken much time to listen mainly to my feelings. I'm lucky because he is incredibly patient despite this illness.

All the best,

Sharny

[Sharny]

Hi Ellu,

Sorry this reply is late but I wanted to reply to you and thank you for your post.

Wow, that's a long time to be dealing with your disorder. You sound amazing and it seems that the voluntary work you've been involved in over a 30 year span has really helped you. I love hearing what helps others, any self help along the journey is a step in the right direction at helping your situation.

I agree that having one thing a day just for one's self is important. I think that having mental illness prior to mother hood was very different, the illness was the same of course but responsibilities ensued were only myself and husband. The children's needs are a priority of course and we always put the children first because we care for them so much and thank fully both are doing very well socially and academically. I'm proud that they are becoming thoughtful, caring and decent children. Along the way, giving ourselves as mother's can feel like our sole purpose so naturally our instincts gear that way. I told myself for a long time that it was selfish to want any time for just myself. I'm now realizing that a small pocket of time each day even 1/2 hour to an hour is probably vital for mental health.

Nice talking,

Sharny.